The Sue Slayers: A New Fangirologist
by Epitome of Randomness
Summary: Artemis Fowl is in danger -of the gravest kind. Fangirls watch his every move, poised to strike. His only hope is er...a hyperactive girl with a bad haircut, and a gun that shoots darts. I think we should pray. COMPLETE, with outtakes!
1. Authors Note

**Hi everyone, thanks for all the reviews. **

**So. **

**Thanks for the suggestions on curing my writers block, I have gotten over it, using a technique Scott Westerfield, the guy who wrote Uglies and Midnighters, suggested. Basically, you lock yourself in a room for an hour or so and you can't do anything, but you can write. **

**So after sliding around on my back for half an hour, staring at the ceiling, I got an idea!**

**Huzzah!**

**Anyway. I digress. **

**I've actually gotten a plot, fiddled around with my OCs and changed a few things.**

**The main protagonist is still Hannah Lynch, though.**

**Thanks for reading.**

**On with story…**


	2. The Handbook Lied

**DISCLAIMER: Eoin Colfer owns Artemis Fowl, Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. Paramore is owned by Paramore and Naruto is owned by the people who make it. I just own the Slayers.**

**On with story:**

**The Sue Slayers**

_Excerpt from the Sue Slayer Handbook, page 2 of the introduction:_

_To be part of the Sue Slayers is to be part of something incredible. Slayers are a well-oiled machine. Smart. Disciplined. Sue Slayers work together and cooperate. _

"THAT IS MY MANGA!" screamed a girl, running down the corridor. "GIVE IT BACK!"

The Handbook lied. We didn't get along. Sue Slayer Headquarters were a cross between Cheaper by the Dozen and Big Brother. A bunch of kids running around a big expensive house, not living in the real world.

My name is Hannah Lynch. I'm 14 years old, a brunette Pisces and I'm a Fangirologist in training.

What is a Fangirologist, you ask. Basically an expert on Fangirls, the insane groupies of fictional characters, also known as canons. I study different Squees of Fangirls (think herds of elephants, only louder) and track them, so they don't kidnap a canon.

Sue Slayers, which is also the name of our organization, hunt and slay Mary Sues. When I say Slay, I mean capture, and when I say Mary Sue, I mean the Spawn of Satan.

Who is probably a nice guy when you get to know him.

There are also Canonists and Researchers. Everyone starts off as a Researcher, trawling through hours of god-awful fanfics, learning about the Sues and OCs the Slayers would have to go up against.

Canonists are glorified researchers, experts on Canon characters. They are useful at times, I mean, who knew that Mike Newton was allergic to peanuts?

"NICOLA!" yelled the girl again. "Give them the HELL BACK!"

I sat up in bed and pushed my fringe back. Stupid hair.

The girl yelling for her manga was my teacher, Amelia, a world famous Fangirologist. Her friend Nicola, a Sue Slayer, had stolen her copy of Naruto and wouldn't give it back.

I rolled my eyes and pushed my fringe back again. Why did I have the stupid bob? Fashion, of course. Lately, it had become popular to copy Canons hairstyles. I had the Sakura cut. Lots of the other girls had the Bella, long with a few layers.

Most of the boys tried to copy Edward, but I agreed with Bella. Edwards look was impossible to replicate.

I checked my alarm clock. Time to get up.

I locked the door, jumped in and out of the shower and pulled on my grey jeans and a green top.

Then I went down the hall, grabbed Naruto from Nic and went downstairs.

Being any part of the well-oiled machine that is the Sue Slayers is a full time job. Remember, there are hundreds of fanfic websites all over the internet and they all need to be monitored. So most of us live in Sue Slayer Headquarters, spending a couple of nights a week at home. After all, our families can live hours away.

Of course, we do have Slayers who don't even live in Melbourne, where the main Australian branch is. There's about three Sue Slayers in each state, not including Tasmania.

No one cares about Tasmania.

I sat down in my cubicle, put on some Paramore and logged into Fan Fiction.

'_Harry Potter and Teh Misteryous Gurl_

_Hary waks up in hospetil and meats a impolsev, beyutafil gurl who helped him deefet Voldymort but she has a seecrut. HPxOC, HGxRW R&R pls but no flayms.'_

I rolled my eyes and began to read:

'_Hary wok up in a square white room with a dark blue carpet in a white bed with smooth cotton sheets in the room there was only one window and it looked out onto Londin.He put on his glasseus on. Suddinly, he notest a beyutafil gril standin in the doorway. Sh hud long browne hayr that cascaddid down her bak like a river of cholit. And it had pink & sylver streeks in it As well she had pink and silver eyes that shon in the lite and a purfict figure with a lurge chest and long legs. She was wering tight grey jeens wuth sylva studs down the sides and a piunk top._

"_Hi she says 'how are u harry'_

_harry is brethliss from her beuty. 'hello. He sauys._

'_my name is Amethystina-Bayooti.' She sayss._

_Harry felt imsulf fallen in luv w/ her.'_

I cackled evilly. I would flame her. Politely. She deserved it.

I clicked the pretty purple button down the bottom of the page.

**Oh. My. Carlisle. **

**J.K. Rowling would be spinning in her grave-if she was dead. That was the worst story in the universe. First, where did you learn to spell? I mean, 'says' isn't that hard! Your spelling is an insult to dictionaries everywhere.**

**Seriously, the descriptions are terrible. There is a difference between a picture with words and shoving adjectives down our throats.**

**Oh yeah. Ever heard of grammar? Come on-**

The phone rang. I groaned and picked it up.

"Hello? Who is it?"

"It's Amelia. You have Caller ID."

"Oh, yeah." I giggled. "What's up?"

"Can you come to my office, please?"

Amelia's office was about ten metres away. She could've come and gotten me.

"Sure." I said, hanging up.

I paced out the distance between my cubicle and Amelia's office. 12.5 metres. I turned around to check it, but the office door opened behind me.

"What the hell are you doing?" asked Amelia, pulling me in.

**What else can I say? I'm having trouble affording a copy of Eclipse and it's pissing me off? (True, btw.)**

**Review, or I shall crush you! **

**Now press that button, or you will be in BIG trouble.**


	3. Pink and Blue

**If you had to pick between Naruto and Eclipse, what would you pick? I chose Eclipse, and now I'm broke. But happy. I READ IT! Yay!**

**I've just gone back to school (literally, two days ago), and I might not be updating that often. But on the plus side, I can FINALLY fix my profile on the school computers.**

**Disclaimer: My eyebrows are not huge. Therefore, I am not Eoin Colfer.**

**The Sue Slayers, Chapter 2. **

_Excerpt from the Sue Slayers Handbook, page 45._

_In the event that there are no Sue Slayers available, the next expert in the field should take their place. If there is a Fangirl attack, a Fangirologist should take charge. If there is an OOC causing problems, the Canonists will take control…_

Obviously that had never happened in all my six years as a Fangirologist. But on the day that Amelia pulled me into her office, I had a bad feeling.

Amelia's office looked the way it always did, cushy desk chair, desk, computer, couch, several notebooks. And well over a hundred novels. The only difference was the girl in glasses sitting on the couch, eating a chocolate bar.

"Uh, hi?' I said.

The girl looked up and flicked her short brown hair. "Hi."

"Hannah." Amelia interrupted our riveting conversation. "This is Marisa Douglas. She's one of the best Canonists in America and the founder of MINAS."

M.I.N.A.S. Minerva Is Not A Sue. A foundation dedicated to proving Minerva was not a Sue. Basically all they did was defend Minerva in forums and flame stories with bad Minervas. I was a member.

"Um. I'm in MINAS too." I told her.

"Cool. Have you read that story where Minerva-"

Amelia cleared her throat.

I tried to think of something to say before she burst into an Anti-Sue rant.

"What's up?"

Marisa's face went blank for a moment.

"Oh yeah!" she said suddenly. "Stalkers."

Marisa whipped a memory stick out of her pocket.

"Can I borrow a computer?"

"I have been studying Artemis Fowl, in preparation for Book Six."

Amelia and I nodded. We (and everyone else in Slayers) knew as soon as people had finished reading Artemis Fowl book 6 that they would all jump online to debate in the forums, write fics and post spoilers. It was known as DTD Day, or Discuss To Death Day. Canonists spent the months before and after the books release closely observing canons.

"And last week, I saw something funny."

Marisa opened the first file on her memory stick. It was a grainy mobile phone shot of a pink and blue blur at the end of a corridor.

"I took this last Tuesday. What do you know about Artemis Fangirls?"

Amelia lowered Naruto.

"Artemis Fangirls are the second most rabid, after Edwards. They are, however, far smarter than Edward Fangirls. Their Fangirl #1 is Cathy Timms."

She looked at the photo, zooming in on the blur.

Marisa looked at me, eyebrows raised.

"What about their stalking techniques?"

I closed my eyes, thinking. "Fangirl stalking is when a Squee of Fangirls continually follow a canon, whipping themselves into a frenzy until they swarm and-"

"The canon is crushed." Amelia finished. "Pink and blue, those are the colours of the Artemis Fangirl Squee."

Though Fangirls don't actually have uniforms like the Slayers, the LEP or My Chemical Romance (1) they do have colours. The colours of Artemis' Fangirls were pink and blue.

Amelia glanced at Marisa. "The crushing rarely gets fatal. Normally the Slayers are there by then."

Marisa nodded. "I took this one later on, the same day." She opened another photo, this one taken from a high level.

I gasped. So did Amelia.

"That's…" I started.

"A _patrol_." Finished Amelia.

"And?" asked Marisa, looking confused.

I pulled out Amelia's old Fangirology book and opened it to a chapter.

'…_Though Fangirl stalking is common, it is usually random with the Fangirls splitting into uneven groups. When Fangirls form organised patrols of more than ten, it means that there is an imminent danger to their canon or to their Squee.' _

"Patrols are so rare!" said Amelia. "I've seen about seven in my entire career."

"I've seen one." I told Marisa.

"What's the difference between a Squee and a Patrol?" she asked.

"Squees are like giant herds, just galloping around making lots of noise. Patrols are like hunting parties, organised and with strategies."

"What would Fangirls be hunting?" Marisa asked.

I tapped the book. "A threat to their canon, or their Squee."

"It could be a Sue." Amelia added.

"Do you have any other photos?" I asked.

Marisa clicked through some more. "Just of the…Patrol. And two more blurs."

"Ok." Said Amelia. "You better go and see Grace next door. Me and Hannah will look through the handbook and see what to do."

Marisa nodded and left.

"You know the handbook back to front." I reminded Amelia, sitting on the couch.

"I do."

"And?"

"There are no Sue Slayers available." Amelia told me, picking up Naruto. "Elliot is in the Potterverse. Nic and Josh are in Unfortunate Events-land. Clare is off after some bad OC in the Earth Nation. "

She listed our other two Slayers, the four Slayers in training, and our transfer in America.

"So." I asked. "Who goes after the Fangirls?"

"A Fangirologist. I just want you to guard Artemis-"

"ME?"

"I just want you to guard Artemis against direct attacks." Amelia repeated. "No scouting or spying on Patrols or hunting Fangirls."

I groaned. "Can't a Canonist do it?"

"The main threat is Fangirls. Fangirologists handle it."

"I'm not doing it."

"You can take a gun."

Internally, I jumped for joy. Externally, I glared at Amelia.

"Ok, and some Sue Serum."

I raised an eyebrow, suppressing a giggle. "You'll have to do better than that."

"What's your price?" Amelia asked. "Come on, Hannie! You're my only Fangirologist with the skills to-"

"When I get back, let me borrow your CardCaptor DVDs for a month."

Amelia nodded.

"And your Scrubs DVDs as well."

"Fine." Amelia grunted. Her DVDs were her pride and joy.

"Now." I asked. "Where's my gun?"

**(1) I mean those marching band uniforms. You know.**

**So that's chapter 2. What did you think? What are you going to tell me…IN A REVIEW!!**

**This feels like a pretty weak chapter, but the next one is roughly 2000 words, contains Sues, Fangirls and the canon you've all been waiting for, Artemis.**

**In other news, I'm working on my first Twilight fanfic! Yay!**

**REVIEW!!**

**Love and live life,**

**Nicola.**

**xoxox**


	4. The Second, that is

**I have just put a rather important poll on my page and would like you all to vote on it…NOW!**

**Writers block. It truly is the creative minds AIDS. Except it hasn't killed millions of people and caused millions more unbelievable suffering. But it might've if J.K. Rowling had trouble writing The Deathly Hallows….**

**Ahem. On with story…**

_Excerpt from the History of Sues, OCs and Fangirls, pages 13-14_

'…_The war between Mary Sues and Fangirls was long and bloody…after seven years of catfights and bitchy text messages the Squees and Sues reached an uneasy truce…'_

That war had ended the year after I'd joined the Slayers. Six innocent Slayers and two Fangirologists had died trying to keep the peace. After that, it had become mandatory for anyone going to a Fic-world to carry a gun loaded with Sue Serum capsules.

Amelia reached into her desk drawer and handed me a small black pistol and a box full of Sue Serum.

"Do you know how to shoot?" Amelia asked me.

I rolled my eyes. "We all took the courses."

"Fine." Said Amelia. She stood up and stretched out her long frame. "Let's go get you suited up."

"I don't…like it." I told Molly.

Molly O'Kearney, Australia's best Canonist, stood back from me and sighed.

"Angeline Fowl is an energetic woman." She told me, running her hands through her blonde hair. "She loves people who are energetic and excitable and-"

I put my hands on my hips. "And who wear shiny blue tights?"

I was wearing the aforementioned blue tights under orange baggy shorts, blue jelly shoes and a yellow top with the slogan SAVE THE RAVE. (1)

Oh, and my hair was getting blue streaks.

"Excitable and bright and…sort of…Alice Culleny." Completed Molly. She smiled.

Molly is an expert on Artemis Fowl, Harry Potter, Vampirate and Twilight canons. Alice Cullen is her hero of sorts.

My phone beeped (well, actually randomly shouted 'What the deuce?'), and I flipped it open. I'd gotten an email reply from the author of Harry Potter and Teh Misteryous Gurl, Ja'miePotter.

'**Oh my frikken god dont flaym me u r such a bitch Amethystian is da colust caricter ur just gellus. If u don't like it u shuldint read it.i checkeed ur profil and u cant rite aneeway'**

I laughed to myself and sent back a short reply.

'**I can't write? More like you can't write. Or spell. You CAN NOT spell. Oh my **_**Artemis, **_**you really need to get a dictionary. Or a life. Either is good.'**

"Are you done?" Molly asked.

I patted my hair. "Are you?"

"Yes, and you look like a raver." She told me with great gusto, holding up a mirror.

My hair had been streaked with turquoise. Cool.

"Hannah?" asked Amelia. "Are you-woah."

I grabbed my (fluro orange) backpack.

"Yes, Amelia." I said. "I just need to get my dart gun."

Yes, I got to have two guns, one was the Sue shooter, which only took capsules and was deadly to Mary Sues, the other was a Fangirl Dart Gun, which shot darts filled with tranquilliser.

My phone deuced again.

'**OHMY ARTIMUS??WHAT THE FUCc K IS THAT U STUPED BIetCH u R just a FUCKwiTwed SKaKNA if u rite 2 me agan I wil coomeova 2 ur hous and sssMASH ur fugli fase-'**

You get the picture. I sent back a short, sweet reply.

'**Stop trying to play hardcore with the keyboard and quit mailing me. You're just some random Fangirl, and no one cares what you think. If you do think at all, of course.**

**Yours truly,**

'**FUCKwiTwed SKaKNA'**

I turned off my phone, waved to Molly and set off with Amelia.

_Excerpt from Undercover In Canon-land, page 4_

_When undercover, it is vital that you stay inconspicuous, even in the most conspicuous clothing. Keep to the shadows, stay down and don't make eye contact…._

All the shadows in the world couldn't help me as I walked along the road to Fowl Manor. Cars were beeping me, three people had given me the number of a rehab clinic and a whole crowd of bikies had offered me a lift.

I had declined, although that Harley had been incredibly inviting…

Finally I made it to Fowl Manor.

I smoothed my hair, straightened out my ridiculous shorts and pressed the intercom button that was on the gate post.

"Hello?" asked a flat voice.

"Hi," I said, squinting at the camera above my head. "My name's Ashley Reed, I'm here about the maid job."

"Uh-huh." The voice replied after a beat. "Please, come in."

The wrought-iron gates swung inwards, and I began another long trudge up the drive.

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**Ok peeps, read and review or-you want more? Ok. But you have to review. Or**

**ELSE.**

**And I'm not playing hardcore with the keyboard, lol.**

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"Hello, young lady. I'm Mrs. Fowl, but you can call me Angeline." Angeline smiled at me. "Tea? Coffee? Spring water? Chardonnay?"

I shifted uncomfortably in my leather chair. "Just water, thanks."

She handed me a crystal glass full of chilled water and smiled again.

"So, about the maid job?" I asked.

"Yes." Said Angeline, bobbing her blonde head. "You see, one of our last maids, a lovely girl about your age-"

Yeah, one of my friends in England, Kasey Allard. She had worked undercover at Fowl Manor for almost a year.

"Left just last month after her brother got ill-"

No, because she had to go to a conference on Edward Cullen.

"And she had to quit."

"Oh." I said, and sipped my water. "That's a shame."

"Yes." Angeline smiled again. I found myself wilting under the glow of her pearly whites. "And here we are."

I smiled. "Here we are. Might I ask, what kind of work I'd be doing?"

"Oh," said Angeline. "Just housework, vacuuming, sweeping, dusting. We have two young boys, you see."

I nodded. "I have two brothers. Um, I thought you had another son."

"Yes, my Arty. He's very quiet, always holed up in his room doing experiments-"

Yeah, and hanging out with fairies.

"And he never makes a mess."

Long story short, I got the job.

Don't scoff and call me a Sue, it's true. There were several good reasons why Angeline hired me. As Molly said, she liked colourful people. She wanted someone bright around the house.

Angeline also would've wanted someone around Artemis' age around the house. Someone to be friends with him. Someone for him to relate to. Maybe even hook up with.

I shuddered at the thought.

Well, not the thought of hooking up with Artemis. What would happen if I did.

Your mind sure does wander when you're dusting.

I finished the statue of the thinking guy and moved onto the next object, a Ming Vase decorated with a blue dragon.

I was so enthralled by dusting and thinking about how darn interesting my life was, I didn't notice the person standing behind me.

"Just ignore me." They said quietly. "Everyone does."

I dropped my feather duster, whirled around and swore. Loudly.

"I knew you wouldn't want to see me."

It was an emo. An emo _Fangirl. _

_Excerpt from Fangirls and Squees, page 35_

_The rarest of the rare, the Emo Fangirl. An emo Fangirl may not actually cut herself, but she is morbid and depressed. They have no Squee. Emo Fangirls are incredibly rare and quiet. _

She was wearing a black top with a red singlet underneath, black ripped pants and had short dark, red streaked hair.

"Wow." I whispered, whipping out my mobile and taking a photo.

"Just take what you need…" muttered the Fangirl. "Do you want my heart as-Artemis?"

One thing you need to know about Fangirls. They can't be seen by Canons, unless the Canon touches them.

"Ahem."

I whirled around again and found myself face to face with Artemis Fowl.

The Second, I mean.

**(1) Just because the Rave really should be saved. Stuff the whales, SAVE THE RAVE!**

**Just joking, I love whales.**

**http:// www. a picture of the vase for the people who have no idea what a vase looks like. Lol.**

**That was mostly a filler chapter, and I'm sorry it took so long, but since I was getting no votes on my incredibly important, plot-defining poll, I decided to rewrite the last half of the chapter. And reading Vampirates!!!!!! **

**And I've been working on a series of 26 (no joke, 26) drabbles centred around the alphabet.**

**Why? Because I'm weird. And I like a challenge.**

**REVIEW and then VOTE and thanks to all my VOTERS!!**

**PEACE AND PARAMORE!**

**Nicola.**

**P.S.**

**Vampirates deserves its own section.**

**Just had to get that out there.**


	5. HANNAH MONTANA?

**Sorry this took so long, and the sheer shortness of it really pisses me off too, but… **

**(WARNING! RANT!) I had GERMAN and MATHS homework. And I had to spend the entire weekend with my infuriating friend. Who kept babbling on about her other new friend, and dragged me all over the shopping centre to find the perfect birthday present for her. She wanted me to throw in 20 bucks, when she knew I only had thirty, and I don't even know the OTHER girl very well. **

**RANT OVER!**

**Yeah, like I said before, sorry it's so short, but I wanted to put something up until I can contact amaya-black-wings (don't ask. Just…don't.)**

**DISCLAIMER: I can't think of a droll, witty or clever way to say it, so I don't own Artemis Fowl. Or any canonverses mentioned in this chapter.**

**The Sue Slayers, Chapter…what are we on now? Four?**

**Chapter Four, HANNAH MONTANA?**

_Excerpt from 'Face to Face with Stephenie Plum', page 12._

_There are many ways to react when faced with a canon, but the most common one is a complete shut down of all logical thought. Or, if the canon is a Cullen, some drooling may occur._

"Holy…." I muttered, my eyes bugging out of my head.

Artemis Fowl raised his left eyebrow perhaps three millimetres.

"May I help you?" he asked.

I dropped my feather duster.

"N-no." I told him. "I'm all good. Dusting, actually. Ming Vase."

He nodded. "I can see that. Who are you talking to?"

I raised _my_ left eyebrow a full three centimetres, my mind switching back on.

"I wasn't talking to anyone." I said, whirling around to check behind me. The Fangirl was still there, dark eyes filled with tears as she stared at Artemis. I turned back around.

"Funny." Artemis replied, straightening his dark blue tie. "I could've sworn you were saying "Holy jeebus….emo….wow.""

He was correct.

Damn him!

"Oh, that." I laughed.

"Yes, that."

"I was…"

"You were…"

"Singing. Eminem."

"You were singing Eminem." Artemis narrowed his wide blue and hazel eyes.

I smiled. "I like to sing while I dust. Eminem for vases, Hannah Montana for paintings…"

"Interesting." Artemis commented.

I winced, internally swearing.

"Yup." I told him. "And David Bowie for statues."

The truth is, I don't know any David Bowie songs. All I know is that he was in Zoolander, judging the walk-off.

XoXoXoXoXo XoXoXoXoXo XoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXo XoXoXo

_Sue Slayer HQ, Melbourne_

Amelia groaned in horror as Hannah told Artemis she sang while she dusted.

"HANNAH MONTANA?" she yelled at the TV.

XoXoXoXoXo XoXoXoXoXo XoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXo XoXoXo

"As you do." Artemis commented. "Carry on."

And he was off, marching down the hallway.

To keep up the charade, I picked up my duster and began to sing Lose Yourself.

**I know, short and bad. But I knew I had to put something up or I would've given up on this fic altogether. **

**And even though the top authors note is longer than this chapter, I still think you should REVIEW!**

**I hate German class (Ich hasse Deutsch klasse),**

**Nicola.**


	6. Fourth Wall

**I have Alterna-Emo-Punk-Rock-Pop on the brain. If you don't know this, you will have to read the prequel (of sorts) to this, My Random Rant On Mary Sues. Otherwise, the next chapters will make no sense. Then again, the next chapter is going to be a massive encyclopedia thingy, where I explain how the Canonverse, fandoms and this world work.**

**Disclaimer: …I might be an expert (of sorts) on Sues. I might be the Prime Minister of Australia. I might be your mum! **

**But I'm not, and I'm not Eoin Colfer, either.**

**The Sue Slayers.**

**Chapter…It's five, right? Yep, five.**

**Fourth Wall**

XoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoX

_American Sue Slayer HQ, New York, America (duh)_

Beth Oswin, an American Slayer was happy. Tired, but happy. She had just finished the latest chapter of her Artemis Fowl fic. Beth glanced at the clock on her computer screen. 2 AM. She had one last skim of her fic…

**As they walked up the stairs in silence, she became uncomfortable and started talking again. "So are things a little tense with your folks?" she asked, and he looked at her and nodded, "Ah, I know the feeling. Do you want to know something?" she asked and he nodded. **

"**I'll take that as a yes, the reason I'm being an exchange student is because…um…I have cancer." **

**She said and he looked wildly at her.**

**Artemis frownud, and loiked behumd her.**

**Virgenia rayesd aa ibrow &8 turned. Sevenn stayrs behind them was a girl abot there age. She has longe golden blonded hayr with butifle silver and wite and turquiuse hihlites, vioylete eyes and was wearing the latest Chanel line. She was butefil.**

Beth leaned back from the computer, frowning and pressing the delete button. Where had that that last bit come from?

It wouldn't delete. Beth pressed Control Z. She highlighted the text and tried to cut it. It wouldn't leave. Or delete. Whatever.

Beth picked up the phone, dialing the Commanders number. This was bad.

Very bad.

XoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoXoX

_Fowl Manor, Ireland, The World, Artemis Fowl Canonverse, The Universe_

_The Big Book of Alterna-Emo-Punk-Rock-Pop, The Ultimate Guide to Slaying with Music page 864_

'_The lyrics of a song are equally as important to the song as the music, as demonstrated in this Fall Out Boy song. Though it has rather basic music, the lyrics are rather vague. Though a regular listener of Alterna-emo-punk-rock-pop would understand them almost right away, a Fangirl or Sue would find them baffling…_

'_Brothers and sisters, yeah, put these words down_

_Into your notebook (spit lines like these)_

_We're friends when you're on your knees…'_

"Make them dance like we were shooting their feet!" I sang. "It's just past eight-"

I swept in time to the song, cranking my iPod until it was blasting my eardrums.

My Carlisle, I was bored.

After the aptly named, 'Hannah and Montana' incident three days before, I hadn't seen Artemis. Sure, I'd seen the swish of an Armani suit, but no boy genius.

I had a feeling he was avoiding me.

The song ended and a new one began. Swing Swing, by the All American Rejects.

I sang along quietly, lifting the rug and sweeping the dust under it.

"Wi….eep…cket…OWN?"

I looked up and simultaneously took out a headphone, dropped the broom and shrieked like a mutated Michael Jackson.

"What on earth?" Artemis Fowl (the Second) asked.

"I ran out of Hannah Montana, you see-"

Artemis sighed. "I don't mean the music. I was wondering if you were being attacked, from the noise you were making."

"I wasn't being loud, was I?" I asked, scratching my head.

Artemis pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Not really, 70 or 80 decibels would be my estimate. Not loud at all."

I nodded. "Just be glad I wasn't listening to MCR. The old MCR. Like Skylines and Turnstiles old." Then I frowned. Wasn't 70 decibels loud?

"By MCR, I'll assume you mean My Chemical Romance."

I nodded, picking up my broom. "They rock. They rock _hard._"

Woah, I sounded weird. Even by my standards.

"Of course they do. Now in future, use a dustpan, not under the rug."

Artemis glanced at his Rolex and hurried down the corridor. I cringed as he turned the corner and began to sweep the dust into the dustpan.

That's when I saw them.

Fangirls, sneaking after Artemis. There was two of them, a skinny Indian girl and a short brunette, both wearing lurid blue and pink jumpsuits. The Fangirl version of stealth clothes.

I tossed my iPod onto the table and yanked out my phone, sending a hurried and horribly spelt text:

'**Fangurls x2 after AF.goin afta dem. G2g.'**

Even I hated the spelling. I sent it to Amelia's phone and tiptoed after the Fangirls. They took their time following Artemis. He was nearly out of sight going downstairs by the time I got to the Fangirls. I hid behind a handy table and listened in on their riveting conversation.

"This is so cool!" squealed the brunette.

"I know!!!" cried the other. "Um, Aliza? Why are we here? Can't we worship Artemis by writing fanfics? This feels a little…stalkery."

Aliza, the brunette, shrugged. "You're new, Kelly. You get used to it. But-"

"What the deuce?"

People with a good memory will remember that 'What the deuce?' is my phones message tone-I mentioned it a few chapters ago. (1).

"What was that?" cried Kelly and Aliza.

I considered my options. One, play the part of the maid, simply cleaning and being unable to see the Fangirls, two, pretend to be a Fangirl, or three. Shoot the Fangirls with darts and lock them in a cupboard.

Three would definitely be the most fun.

Unfortunately, I'd left my Fangirl gun in my bag, down in the coatroom.

**1. Crap, I broke the fourth wall. Quick, get some sticky tape!!**

**That shows how much I love you all. Italiangurlinamessedupworld, thanks for letting me use some writing from your fic, A Change For The Better. It's a great fic and y'all should read it. The first set of lyrics belong to Fall Out Boy, Swing Swing to the All American Rejects, and anything else to it's respective owners. I'm so sorry I offended you all with the Hannah Montana thing last chapter too. I didn't know you all hated it so much.**


	7. ATTACKED PHONE?

**I did something very stupid and quite OOC for me:**

**I started four fics. **

**I've just shoved two of them in the trash, but the other two, a drabble (HollyxTrouble, yay!) and a sequel to M & R. I'll be putting the drabble up next, but I might forget. I'm going outside (it got to 37 degrees today!)**

**So here's Chapter 6 of the Slayers. It's nowhere near as funny as the others, but PLOT! It has…a little PLOT!**

**And guns.**

**So here it is….**

**Chapter 6, or ATTACKED PHONE? **

_Excerpt from 'The Big Book of Slayerness.' Page 75_

_A blitz is when a single Slayer is sent in as a solo attack, an attempt to neutralise the Sue. If that fails, then the rest of the group, up to 20 Slayers is sent in, shooting at the targets.'_

I pulled out my phone, began texting Amelia random letters, and did my best impression of a sulky teenager with a boring life. I don't think I did it very well. After all, my life is anything but boring.

I walked over to the window and peered out.

A burgundy car was winding its way up the drive. Artemis was standing on the front steps, hands in pockets.

"I bet it's that bitch, Minerva." Spat Kelly the Fangirl. She punched the wall.

I finally worked up the courage to read Amelia's replies.

'**Follow them at a DISTANCE!! A DISTANCE!! Have you got your gun?**

**p.s. your spelling is terrible.'**

And of course, the replies to my random ones.

'**Don't sit on your phone when it's open. WAIT, ARE YOU BEING ATTACKED??**

**Lol.'**

I sent back a quick no, and peered out the window again. A girl with curly blonde hair was getting out of the car, and Artemis was shaking her hand.

In the corner of my vision, I spotted another girl moving at a rapid rate across the garden, wearing a green and orange t-shirt, green knee high runners and black leggings.

I filed through my memory, trying to remember what Squee had those colours…green and blue was an extinct Draco Squee, orange and black was a tiny Trouble Kelp squee….

Then it came to me. Just two words.

But they came out as one.

"SHAYTERS!" I yelped.

Translation: "Shit! Slayers!"

The Fangirls squealed and fled.

I flung myself downstairs, tripping on the last few stairs. Green and orange were the Slayer colours! I wore them myself. I could I forget?

I ran into the cloakroom, grabbed my Fangirl gun and sprinted outside.

Artemis and Minerva were frozen.

I guess, being socially retarded, they had no idea what the other blonde was holding.

She had a whole bag of them.

Water balloons (1).

"DIE, MINERVA!" the blonde screamed. "EAT THIS!!!"

I recognized that voice.

"Elliot, you stupid, stupid, dumb, blind…" I squealed.

Elliot flung a water balloon at Minerva. Suddenly, Butler was in front of her, the balloon exploding in a wash of red across his chest.

Sue Serum.

I had to do something.

I jammed the gun in my jacket pocket and ran out to them.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?" I screamed, sounding like a confused teen. Which I was.

Artemis and Minerva turned to face me, and Elliot froze.

"W-well?" I squeaked. "What is g-going-"

Elliot burst into action. She grabbed more balloons and began to fling them in our direction, yelling something. She looked like a crazed ninja, jumping up and down and making hand gestures.

Butler looked more like a ballerina, dancing into the path of the balloons, his bulletproof vest absorbing the serum.

I thought I might throw up. If one balloon hit Minerva or Artemis, they would collapse. Sue Serum was too powerful for canons to touch. I lurched forward, pushing Minerva out of the way as Butler finally took a shot at Elliot.

Not with his Sig Sauer, thank Carlisle, but a smaller, silver gun. He hit Elliot in the leg. She dropped her balloons and Sue gun. Many of the balloons popped and her gun clattered across the pavement.

Elliot fell slowly, grabbing her leg and squeezing her eyes shut. Vomit rose in my throat, and I looked away. Artemis was reaching down to touch some of the Serum.

"ARTEMIS!" I screamed, and dove on him.

We rolled out of the way. Butler didn't notice. He was a little preoccupied with 'neutralizing the threat.'

Artemis and Minerva both ran forward to examine the bleeding Slayer, leaving me in a puddle of serum.

I closed my eyes for a second. There was one thing to do.

Slowly, I pulled out my Fangirl Gun and checked it was loaded. I struggled up and hurried over to Artemis, Minerva and Butler, aiming for Butlers neck.

"Oi, ANNIE! Put it away!"

A blonde boy in the Slayer uniform snatched it out of my hands.

"Thanks."

I recognized him then. American accent, kind of cute-

Matthew Carney. The best American Slayer ever, and a famous Sue Sniper.

He tapped my gun for a second, then glanced down.

All of a sudden, I heard a familiar click and a stinging, like someone had stuck a needle in my leg.

I looked down and immediately felt woozy.

"You….shot me!" I said loudly. Matt shrugged and reloaded.

"Bastard!" I shouted, spots of light beginning to dance in my vision. I stumbled backwards.

Artemis and the gang whipped around.

I fell forwards into another puddle of Sue Serum and heard more darts being fired.

Someone shouted, "Don't let them fall in the puddles!"

"What about Dom?"

"Aim for Butler!"

At that, many more guns went off.

Everything went black.

**(1) Yeah, Water Balloons. DUN DUN DUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**That was like, random.**

**You know what to do.**

**Don't you?**

**I suggest looking for rectangular buttons. That might give you a clue.**

**Lotsa luv and good karma,**

**Nicola.**

**Next chapter up: When I feel like it!!!**


	8. Stogguring and Shayters

**Just picture me sitting at my computer, vibrating faster than a shielded fairy…**

**I'm high in two ways….**

**SUGAR!**

**AND….**

**TWILIGHT! DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! REAL TWILIGHT MOVIE FOOTAGE ON YOUTUBE!1!eleven!11!**

_**Rational thought: God, Nicola. You're such a Fangirl…**_

**Now picture me keeling over off my chair and giggling on the floor. Because I just did!**

**TWILIGHT!**

…..

**Ok, I've eaten some solid food. I'm OK. **

**DISCLAIMER: I own the Sue Slayers, not the original idea of a Mary Sue. I own the Fangirologists, not the Fangirls. I own the Canonists, not the canons. I don't own common sense, but I do have a vague understanding of it.**

**This is a pretty weird chapter, because Fangirl Tranquilliser drugs can really mess you up…a lot.**

**If anyone has ever slept walked into a pile of toys, you'll know what I mean. Sort of.**

**Like the last one, this chapter may be a little confusing for some of you. Anyway.**

**Ado.**

**Ado.**

**Ado.**

**Ado.**

**Ado.**

**And without further ado, the new chapter.**

**The Sue Slayers, Chapter 7, or Stogguring and Shayters.**

'_Excerpt from Fangirl, Anatomy of….page 24_

_Fangirls have incredibly fast metabolisms, and many have been diagnosed with Hyperactivity disorders. Because of this, very strong drugs must be used in Fangirl Tranquilliser darts.'_

There was something yanking at my jacket, pulling on the shoulders. Something else was around my ankles. Something cold and hard. I was swinging back and forth a little. I knew that feeling…. I was being carried.

"Don't her drop!" a girl warned. I knew her voice.

"She's not a canon, it won't kill her." replied a boy. I knew his voice, too. American. Max? Marty?

The girl sighed. "Have they gotten Artemis inside?"

Artemis…I recognized that name. He was…pale.

"Yes, _Commander_." The boy said. "Nearly dropped him in a puddle."

I felt the things around my ankle loosen, and I was lying on something soft and cool.

Footsteps. Someone was walking away.

The yanking on my jacket stopped. 

"Sleep tight, Hannah." Muttered the girl. Her voice…

Grace! That was it. The Australian Slayer Commander.

"Grace?" I asked. My voice came out like a rusty squeak. It hurt my throat.

"You're ok, Hannie." Grace whispered. "We'll be back soon. Listen out for the anthem."

The anthem? What was she talking about?

"Huh?" I tried to ask. 

There was the sound of a lock opening, rush of air across my skin, and Grace was gone.

"Hel-lo?" I asked. "Hi?"

Something slammed shut. I heard a lock click.

I held my breath and listened.

More footsteps, these ones loud and flat, like the people were holding something heavy.

"Put her on the floor." Someone, a girl, whispered.

"We should've left her outside." Someone else snickered.

I heard a soft thump as their package was left on the floor, a short distance away from me. There was another click as the lock opened again, and another rush of air. 

I let out my breath.

My head felt like it was stuffed full of coconut. My throat felt like I'd swallowed a jar of vegemite (1), and then a bunch of staples.

"Mmmm." 

I froze, wondering if I should 'mmm' back.

Instead, I opened my eyes a crack.

Light shone into my eye, effectively blinding me.

I snapped my eyes shut again. 

Very slowly, I raised my arm. It felt like it was made of porridge.

I placed my hand over my eyes and tried opening them.

They did. Open, I mean.

I raised my hand gently.

Sunlight beamed into my retinas, scorching them and dazing me.

Taken back to my time before the Slayers, I did what any teenager would do. I groaned, rolled over and grumbled, "Five more minutes!"

"Make it ten." Someone else groaned.

I shrieked, and it all came rushing back to me. The Fangirls, Minerva, the Shayters…Artemis!

I sat up straight. Big mistake. I had been lying on the edge of a couch, and sitting up threw me off balance.

"Woah!" I shrieked, falling on the cream carpet with a thump.

I sat up again, rubbing my head. The room was wobbling slightly.

I leant on the couch and looked around. There was a table on my other side, with a blonde Someone on the other side. Artemis was sprawled on the couch opposite mine.

I struggled up.

I was coated in Sue Serum. It had turned my grey jeans almost black, my fluro pink top was ruined, it was in my hair, and ew, it was in my socks.

Artemis and Minerva were clean.

My eyes rolled back into my head as a wave of tranquilliser drugs hit me again. That's the problem with Fangirl Tranq. Darts. They are stronger than the drugs used in stuff like brain or heart surgery, and stay in the system for almost two weeks.

Stogguring to the door, the room began to pirouette again. I had to get out-if I could wash thee sserum away to Paris in Narnia, maybe I could think like glassy-I meant, maybe I could think clearer. The door handle is funny. It was shaped like a round circle. Or was it a dome? Maybe a igloo. I didn't no. (2). I was feeling sick. Maybe I should sit down or stand on my head-wait, what?

The door handle was a long way away now. It was getting very little, like a Smartie. 

I was on the floor again. How did that happen?

Oh well, back to square nine and three quarters.

I shut my eyes.

Someone was picking me up again.

They weren't swinging me, though. I was on a soft thing.

Someone was washing my hands and face and hooting at me-no, not hooting, talking.

I tried to listen.

"Don't worry, Ashley, I'm getting all this blood off your face. You'll be fine, dear."

Why was she calling me Ashley? I thought my name was Hannah. I opened an eye again. A girls face swam before mine.

"Hi!" she said. She was all blurry, but I could see few details. Glasses. Tall.

American.

"So many Americans." I muttered.

"Yeah, I know. Bloody Matt." She muttered. "Shooting an OC….Ridiculous. Then again, he is trigger-happy. Give him a gun, he goes all bubbly."

"Yeah." I replied, my throat still feeling vegemitey. "Wait, what?"

"Ooh, consciousness." said the girl. "I'm Beth. You were shot by Matt Carney, 'member?"

I nodded, trying to sit up. I wanted to see where I was.

"You're in the spare room. Well, one of them." Said Beth. "Butler found you, Minerva and Arty comatose in the living room."

I nodded again, looking around the spacious room.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

"I'm a Slayer, and my fic got Captured by a Sue." Beth sighed. "My OC won't recover for ages. So I raised the alarm, we came here to check for Sues. Unfortunately, Elliot got the bright idea to attack Minerva." She frowned, lost in her thoughts. "I hope she's-"

I sighed. "I meant, 'What are you doing _here? _In this room.'"

"Oh, a maid rang. For today, I'm your cousin."

"Right. You do know my real name is Hannah, right?"

"Yes, you're the lamington girl."

I rolled my eyes at that comment. It happened a long time ago, and it was all luck. And hot jam.

Beth tucked her short, red-blonde hair behind her ears. "I better go tell them you're awake."

"Who?" I asked.

"Artemis. He woke up when Butler burst into the room." Beth told me. "We think the magic he stole helped get rid of it, and now he's trying to figure out what the hell it is."

I swore. "He hasn't touched it, has he?"

"No. I made sure of that. Try and get some sleep."

I lay back down on the plush pillows, and heard Beth leave the room.

"What the deuce?"

I groaned and looked around. My Serum covered jacket was over the other side of the room. It was amazing my phone had survived, actually. Serum often shorts out electronics.

I struggled out of bed, the blood rushing around my body and wobbled. I walked over to my phone in a style reminiscent of Jack Sparrows, and flipped my phone open, brushing off the caked on Serum.

'**Elliot is ok the bullet got lodged in da bone though and damaged sum nerves or sumthing. It'll take ages to heal.**

**-Grace.'**

I sighed with relief and Sparrowed back to bed, tucking my phone under the pillow.

**A/N: I almost hate to do it, but…**

**Graces POV**

_**Sue Slayer HQ, Federation Square, Melbourne, Australia, the Solar System, The Galaxy, The Known Universe, The Unknown Universe, the Unknown Unknown Universe, et cetera et cetera. **_

A Slayer-MY Slayer had gone kamikaze and been shot. A Fangirologist-MY Fangirologist was lying practically in a coma in a canons house. The canon was attempting to find out what was all over said Fangirologist. And another Slayer, this one not mine, was masquerading as the Fangirologists cousin.

What a day.

I sat back in my office chair, waiting for the Panadol to kick in. 

Bored, I opened iTunes and began to work on the new Sue fighting Alterna-emo-punk-rock-pop playlist. A little Good Charlotte, a dash of Red Jumpsuit…

There was a knock at the door and Matthew Carney walked in. In light of recent events, most of the top Slayers, in other words, Elliots friends, were staying in Australia.

"What do you want, Matt?" I asked.

Matt became very interested in his shoes. "I wanted to….apologise. You know, for shooting the Fangirologist-and those canons."

He said this in a bored, flat tone-like he'd said it before.

I turned a shade of red reminiscent of the late Julius Root, Carlisle rest his soul. 

"You SHOT my Fangirologist. You SHOT three vital Canons. Eoin Colfer, and around a million fanfic writers are going to have headaches, writers block-updates will stop and bad Mary Sue rants will spike! People will write those insanely irritating OOC fics where Holly and Artemis make out like there's no tomorrow! And of course, the Fangirls will be out in droves-"

"Squees."

"Squees, whatever, attacking their canons, and we'll have to send you, Mr. Shooty Man in to deal with them eventhoughit'sactuallythefangirologydepartmentsjobandyouSHOTmySlayer!"

I threw myself into my chair, gasping for air and glaring at Matt.

He stared at me.

I burst into tears.

"Jeez." He said. "Sorry, I just-"

My computer binged-an alert to show me there was a Sue-alert fic. I opened it up:

**Arty Fowl and Public Skool by mizzusartyfowl582**

**Crap name but anyway.Basically AF has 2 go 2 public school with normal kids soory I suck at summarys R&R no flames AFxOC!**

I rolled my eyes, minimizing the window.

"Yeah, just-I didn't know Fangirl drugs were so strong. Should be a warning, y'know."

I nodded. He was such a guy. And a teenage guy, at that.

"Just…be careful, next time. If there is a next time. Someone is posting fics about people who fight Sues."

Matt shrugged. "Those fics pop up all the time. Have you been in the Fruit Basket lately (3)? Not pretty."

"I don't do anime." I said. "Go…see Elliot. She's in the Royal Childrens.

**Hannah's (or Ashley's, whatever you want to call her) POV.**

_**One of the many spare rooms, Fowl Manor, Dublin, Ireland.**_

I woke up.

This time, it wasn't a foggy awakening with porridgey arms and vegemite throats. I just snapped awake, hyper aware of everything.

I lay very still in the bed, watching the moonlight on the ceiling.

I was feeling ok. My legs didn't ache from the dart, the bruises I'd discovered on my body and head didn't throb, I could see clearly.

Why? Warum? (4)

A creaking floorboard, outside my room. I tensed up again, scared of-what? Opal Koboi? Victoria? Fire Lord Ozai?

I stepped out of bed, my jeans feeling incredibly horrible and disgusting on my skin. My top was plastered to my back and stomach with dry serum. I was sure my hair looked similar.

Slowly , carefully, I opened the door onto the corridor. It was empty except for the moonlight, shining off a creepy portrait of a Fowl ancestor. 

I crept out, stiff legged, and looked around. The corridor was still empty-except.

"What on earth are you wearing?' asked a peppy, British voice.

I whipped around. A Fangirl, just a Fangirl. She was wearing a blue t-shirt and black leggings and had her red hair in a tight bun.

"It's Sue Serum." I told her. 

She frowned. "What's that?"

"The Sue Slayers use it." I said. "You know, green, orange and black, mostly teenage girls?"

"Oh, I've seen them. Scary."

"Yeah." I nodded, wondering if I could find a shower in the immediate vicinity. My hair felt _disgusting._

"And they have Fangirl hunters, I heard."

"Yeah. Look, I've got to go-" I began to turn around. She grabbed my shoulder, spinning me back around.

"Have you ever seen a Fangirl Hunter?" she asked.

"Uh…" I began. "Yes, yes I have. They're called Fangirologists, and they drug you."

"Wow. Are you one?"

My eyes widened. 

"N-no." I stuttered. "I'm a Fangirl too. I'm Ha-Ashley."

"That's funny." Said the Fangirl. "Because I saw you. I saw you and your _boyfriend _shooting my ARTY!"

She shouted the last word and shoved me against the wall. 

"Oh, ow!" I cried. "What are you doing?"

"You hurt Arty! You Fangirl Hunting, canon stealing bitch!"

"Now just hang on-" I began. 

The Fangirl slapped me across the face.

"Don't hang on me, you slutty, flaming, badly written OC!"

I tried to kick at her. She slid her legs out of the way.

"Bitch!" I hissed.

"Skank!"

"Witch!"

"Dog!"

"Whore!"

"Sue-writer!"

Now, she had just gone too far.

I wriggled from side to side, cricked my neck to one side and bit her hand.

"Suethor!" she yelled, pushing me onto the floor. I fell against the door to my room. It opened and smashed into the wall. 

"GROUPIE!" I spat at her. In the Fangirl dialect, Groupie is a derogatory term. In the Fanfic community, Suethor or Sue-writer is something akin to the c-word.

She sighed, grabbed my wrist and yanked me forwards. We stumbled down the corridor, banging into walls and things, making a hell of a lot of noise.

I slapped feebly at her hand, realising my heart rate was speeding up and the tranq. drugs were active again. My eyes rolled back into my head, I stumbled and we fell into a door. It opened, I fell on the floor-hard, and the door smashed against the wall-even harder. The Fangirl whacked me across the face, her nails digging into my skin like needles. I felt my nose begin to bleed.

"Stupid, dumb, idiotic, Fangirl murdering SLAG!" she yelled. 

She pinned my arms to my sides with her bony knees and whacked me in the stomach. I gasped, I couldn't breathe. I thought I was about to throw up-

The Fangirl punched me with her pointy fist again. I cried out. My eyes rolled back into my head as the drugs took their toll. 

Suddenly, something moved behind her.

"I HATE YOU! MURDERER!" she yelled. "YOU-"

"Art-" I yelped. It was all I got out, but it was enough.

The Fangirl looked behind her. Artemis was standing in the corridor, eyes wide.

**(1) For the smart people who haven't done it, swallowing a lot of Vegemite leaves your throat feeling thick and blocked up. And Vegemite is spicy. **_**SPICY!**_

**Good on toast, though….**

**(2) Yes, I am aware of these spelling, tense and grammar errors.**

**(3) I actually have no idea what the Fruits Basket is about. It just sounded cool.**

**(4) I think that's German for Why….**

**2308 words! Just the fic, not including the author notes! WOOOOOOO!**

**I put in a few hints to the next chapters in this one-but I don't think you'll see them….**

**In fact, anyone who finds them and tells me in a review gets a dedication and a shoutout in the next chapter!!**

**Oh yeah, a few people have asked me about why Hannah was attacked by the Slayers, and all that kind of thing. It will be explained next chapter. Any other questions, ask me. Don't just say you're confused…**

**Next chapter up: Dunno, but there is a drabble going up….**

**Lotsa love, Yellowcard ROCK,**

**Nicola.**

**p.s. I cried at the end of Titanic. DAMMIT! I ALWAYS SAID I WOULDN'T!**


	9. She Told The Lightbulb

**I have some very important news…I'm reading Maximum Ride….yeah, I am. **

**Awesome.**

**I know.**

**I know you know.**

**Well, good.**

**I'm glad you think it's good.**

**I'm glad you think that I think it's good.**

**Well…**

**Yeah.**

**On with story:**

**DISCLAIMER: We've been down this road before, many a time. I don't own Artemis Fowl, Naruto, Twilight, the idea of a Fangirl, or any other Fandoms you see in this travesty of a chapter.**

**The Sue Slayers**

**Chapter Eight, She Told The Lightbulb.**

_Excerpt from Fangirls and Squees, page 42_

_Like the emo Fangirl, Rabid Fangirls are rare….unfortunately, the are easy to create, their low numbers are caused by the fact that Rabid Fangirls rip each others throats out at every available opportunity…_

It all happened quickly after the Fangirl saw Artemis. She stood up suddenly, relieving the intense pain on my knees. I rolled away from her-it was all I could do at the moment, wiping the blood away from my nose.

Artemis was simply staring at me like I was a giant lollipop monster out to get him.

"What…on Earth?" he said quietly.

I struggled up, looked around the Fangirl to see his shocked face and shrugged.

"Cab I hab a tizzu?" I asked, pinching my nose so the blood didn't splurt everywhere.

"What…is going on?" Artemis asked me again, reaching into his jacket pocket. Why was he still dressed at that hour? I didn't know.

Artemis pulled out a white handkerchief and reached out to me.

Unfortunately, the Fangirl was in between us.

He very gently poked her shoulder.

I would like to remind everyone that Canons cannot see Fangirls in the Canonverse, unless they touch them.

And touch a Fangirl, Artemis did.

The second his fingers scraped at the material of her t-shirt, Artemis yanked his hand back. A split second later, the Fangirl began to shake. A small silver ripple was spreading from her top, covering her in what looked like mercury. A moment later, she was totally covered, a vibrating silver statue.

I'd heard about this. It was about now that the canons began to see a faint outline of a person.

The Fangirl threw her head back and screamed with laughter, loud and horrible laughter. She began to scrape the silver off, and as she did, she stomped over to Artemis and flung her arms around him.

I had a feeling he could see her now.

Still pinching my nose, I hurried forwards, yanking at the Fangirls arm. The less contact the better.

She was still laughing-giggling, now and sobbing into his shoulder. Artemis looked like she was a piece of snot on his jacket.

"What is it?" he asked me through clenched teeth, his usual emotionless mask gone in the face of a girl-on-girl fight and intimate contact with a girl of his age.

"A Fangwul!" I told him, my voice thick and clogged with blood. "Don't touch her!"

"I'm trying _not _to!" he informed me, voice going up several octaves at the end. I smirked. Little Arty, growing up.

The Fangirl looked up at him, and let go. She began jumping up and down, squealing.

"Oh, my GOD!" she shrieked. "It's Artemis Fowl!"

"Cathy Timms?" I asked incredulously.

"What's it to you?" she asked.

Cathy took a deep breath.

"Oh crap." I muttered, dropping to the floor and blocking my ears.

"SQUEE!"

Windows, vases and glasses nearby broke, foundations cracked. And in the distance, there was a rumble, like thunder.

Fangirls, and they were close.

Cathy loped out of the room, snorting like a pony.

I had to get the Slayers.

"What on Earth?" Artemis asked again, looking around.

I grabbed the handkerchief from his limp hand.

"Run." I told him thickly. "The Fangirlbs are cubbing."

"What?"

I rolled my eyes and grabbed his wrist, pulling him to the door. I leant out and looked around. The corridor was empty, of Fangirls, Sues and Original Characters.

Apart from the obvious, of course.

"Where are we going?" asked Artemis. I ignored him, looking for the spare room. I would need my phone, a jacket, tissues, an iPod, definitely. Maybe two. And my gun.

Halfway down the corridor, I froze and lowered the handkerchief.

"Where's the gun?" I asked.

"What gun?"

"My gun."

"Your gun?"

"My gun."

"Your gun?"

"My gun."

"Your gun?"

"My gun."

"Your gun?"

"My gun."

"You're looking for your gun."

"No, I need my gun. I think you have it. I need it."

"Why?"

"For the Fangirls."

"Why do you need a gun for the Fangirls? It's a little extreme, they are only teenagers. One moment, what exactly do you mean by Fangirl? The prop used by FanFiction authors as an amusing distraction?"

"It's not….ugh, I need my gun."

Artemis sighed. "We've established that you need your gun."

"Seriously, Artemis," I said, continuing down the corridor. "Without that gun, I'm dead and you're crushed, because I doubt the Slayers will get here in time."

I looked over my shoulder as I found the door to my room. Artemis was standing back down the corridor, mobile to his ear.

"Butler?' he asked. "I apologize for waking you, old friend, but it seems the maid has….flipped out, as Juliet would say. Yes. Goodbye."

He hung up.

About ten seconds later, Butler appeared behind Artemis, wielding a really, really big, shiny gun.

"That one isn't mine." I told them, and ran into my room, locking the door. Butler could handle the Fangirls. Butler could handle the Fangirls.

"Butler can handle the Fangirls." I muttered.

"I doubt it." Said a familiar voice.

I shrieked.

Lying on the bed, staring at the ceiling was Amelia.

"You idiot." She told the lightbulb. "You world-class ignoramus. You told Artemis that it was a Fangirl."

Amelia sat up.

"You told him about the Squee."

"In passing. He knows more about them than we thought. I think he reads fanfiction."

I crossed the room to the dressing table, where Beth had left my stuff. I began to chuck the necessities into a bag. iPod, phone, extra socks….

"Butler can't handle a ravenous Squee!" Amelia hissed. "It's more than-"

"He can and will." I said. "Do you have my gun? I don't want to-"

"No, idiot, Matt still has it." Sighed Amelia. "Where are you going?"

"I figure, get the Slayers. They'll come, save Artemis and the gang and we'll be on our merry way."

"Messy way, more like it. Can you imagine the damage a rampaging Squee will cause?" Amelia hurried over to me, and pulled out my iPod. "I don't want to think about it."

I sighed. Butler could handle the Fangirls. Butler could handle the Fangirls.

"They'll be fine." I said, reaching out for my iPod. "It's not like they have a pack of Rabid ones."

I grinned at her.

Amelia looked up at me. Through her dark hair, her eyes were serious. Really serious.

The grin slid off my face.

"They don't, do they?"

"I've never seen a group so big. The Squee to Pack ratio is 2:1."

"Well, shit."

There was a light tap at the door, and a deep voice asked, 'Ashley? Are you in there?'

Butler.

"Who are you talking too?" he asked.

"Myself!" I yelled. "My imaginary friend!"

Amelia crossed her arms and smirked.

"Why are you so grumpy?" I asked her.

"Artemis Fowls impending crushing is a bit of a downer." She told me. "And Darcy, you know Darcy, that Canonist?"

I rolled my eyes. "Yes. Unhealthy obsession with guitar, Fanboy for-"

"Yeah. He had to write me in."

"Oh, you poor-"

Butler knocked louder.

I looked around for a handy chair to shove under the handle. There was a big cushy armchair, nothing else.

Amelia rolled her eyes and pulled me into the ensuite, locking the door.

"Yeah, he had to write me in, and it's ridiculous. He was deliberately mucking up the way I spake. Dammit!"

I sniggered. I'd have to thank Darcy when I got back.

"ASHLEY?" called Butler, knocking even harder.

"Yeah, whatever. And it's not just the Squee and the Pack of Rabids. There are Sues coming, Hannah. Mary Sues."

"And Gary Stu's?"  
"ASHLEY?" He was seriously bashing the door now. I didn't know why they wanted to talk to me so much.

"Unfortunately, yes."

"Marty Stu's?"

"**ASHLEY**?"

"Oh, shut up." Said Amelia. Then she crossed her arms and began to mutter. "It could be worse, it could be Naruto Sues, those stupid, Carlisle-damned blonde haired Vixens!"

"Yeah." I said. "I hate Naruto Sues. Just-"

Crunch.

"There goes the door."

Amelia swore, yanked out her phone and began to yell into it.

"DARCY! OUT, OUT NOW!"

"Random." I muttered.

'_As the door was bowled down by Butler, Amelia randomly disappeared in a puff of magic fairy dust and reappeared in Sue Slayer HQ, leaving Hannah to deal with the furious genii and his bodyguard.'_

**I don't think anyone has realised this, but I haven't asked for reviews in the last two chapters. Sure, I've suggested it, but I actually haven't asked. So I'm asking now.**

**ARTEMIS FOWL AND THE TIME PARADOX!! **

**BREAKING DAWN!!**

**I just put those there so you'd read it.**

**Sorry.**

**Lotsa love,**

**Nicola.**

**NEXT CHAPTER UP: I hate to do this, but I will need 12 reviews before the next one goes up. Not too much to ask, hey?**


	10. The Sink The Cistern The Shampoo Bottles

I have some important news…

**I have some important news….I finished Maximum Ride….yeah, I have. **

**Awesome.**

**I know.**

**I know you know.**

**Well, good.**

**I'm getting the strangest sense of déjà vu…**

**Yeah, me too.**

**Who the hell are you?**

**Ah, sleep deprivation. Gotta love it.**

**DISCLAIMER:**

**I think we all know by now. I. Eat. POPCORN!**

**The Sue Slayers, Chapter Nine!!**

**The Cistern, The Sink, The Shampoo Bottles.**

_Excerpt from PEEPS, by Scott Westerfeld, somewhere in the back._

_WHEN IN DOUBT, COVER YOUR ASS._

_That's when I knew our secret was safe._

"AMELIA, YOU BITCH!" I cried suddenly.

There was a tapping at the bathroom door.

"Ashley?"

"I'm decent." I said, leaning against the shower door. I felt dizzy again. Stupid Tranquillisers.

Butler opened the door and began to search. For what, I had no idea. Bombs? Guns? Positive pregnancy tests? He searched me, he checked the cistern, the sink, the shampoo bottles. When he was satisfied, he nodded to Artemis.

Suppressing the urge to shut myself into the shower, I looked at him.

His face was a perfect, emotionless mask. Typical Artemis.

"Are you ever going to act like a teenager?" I asked randomly.

He raised his right eyebrow perhaps four milimeters.

"What do you mean by that?" he asked.

"Well…." I began. "It's just….the suits. It's like, 2 AM, you're wearing a suit and your hair is neat."

Artemis raised his other eyebrow to match the first.

"It is 2 AM, right?"

"It is half past three." Artemis tapped his Rolex.

"And you're wearing a watch. At 3:30 in the morning!"

And he was back to the emotionless mask again.

"Whom were you speaking with?" he asked.

"The whom I was speaking with? What whom?"

Artemis sighed. "Butler and I can wait all morning."

"My imaginary friend." I told them with gusto.

"Of course." Said Artemis. "And what is your imaginary friends name?"

The three names that came to mind were of no help:

1. Koboi

2. Julius

3. Domovoi

See what I mean? The imagination does NOT function under pressure.

"Bartimaeus?" I squeaked. (1) I took the handkerchief from my nose. It had stopped bleeding. Finally.

"And what does Bartimaeus look like?" Artemis asked, like he was talking to a two year old.

"Uh…." I said. "An Egyptian?"

Artemis spoke again, and this time it wasn't in a condescending tone. His voice was deeper, somehow, and kind of relaxing.

"Is Bartimaeus really your imaginary friend?"

I bit my tongue. "I think so…"

He smiled at me. His voice was very relaxing now. "Really?"

"Sort of…"

I blinked. What was I saying?

"Is he really?"

"No."

Crap!

"W-wait." I stuttered, as Artemis smirked. "He is real."

Artemis stopped smirking. "Now, Miss Reed, I want you to tell me everything about this Fangirl we saw."

"You mean the silver girl?" I asked.

"Please, we both know you identified it as a Fangirl."

"Yeah." I shrugged. "It just popped into my head."

"Miss Reed-"

"_Please, _Mr. Fowl." I grinned at him. "Call me Ashley. Everyone does."

"Very well. Ashley, tell me about the Fangirl."

"Well." I said. "Fangirls appear in FanFiction. You know, FanFiction is when fans of anime and books and stuff write stories-"

"I am aware of what FanFiction is."

"Do you write it?" I asked.

"No."

"Uh-huh. Well, Fangirls are a prop or a group of OCs used to make the fic more funny. You know."

"How did you know it was a Fangirl, though?" Artemis crossed his arms.

I shrugged. "It Squeeed. Didn't it?" (2)

Artemis's forehead wrinkled for a split second. I continued;

"Yeah, so I assumed it's a Fangirl. But it's kinda stupid, cos we're not canons and this isn't a fic. "(3)

"Ashley." Said Artemis, and his voice was all nice and relaxing again. "Do you know anything else?"

I looked away from him-his eyes were strangely bright and alluring, and looked out the small window. I couldn't see much, but I could see a dim outline of the wall surrounding the grounds. There were strange, stick figure outlines on the it, moving a box.

Or something.

Whatever.

"Ashley?"

"Hmm?" I asked. "There's someone on your wall."

Artemis didn't even glance in the windows vague direction. He was staring straight past me.

I turned, and as to be expected, there was a Fangirl, this one a pretty Japanese girl, crouching behind me.

"This is becoming a regular occurrence," I quipped, and she jumped at me.

She bowled me over into the shower, and we both thumped our heads on the wall.

"Ow!" she cried.

"Yeah, ow." I agreed, and smacked her in the nose.

"Slayer!" she yelled, rolling off me and grabbing at something behind her. She brought it down on my head with a dull thunk. No pain, though.

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Artemis pointing in my direction and telling Butler something.

"Ow!"

She brought it down again, and I saw what it was. It was a shampoo bottle.

Damn you, Pantene Pro-V!

I rolled out of her way and grabbed my own bottle, this one conditioner. Before I could even swing it at her, Butler reached in and yanked me out by the elbows.

"Thank Car-" I began, but the Fangirl dove at my legs and held on.

"For crying out LOUD!" I yelled and started to kick wildly. Butler looked at me like I was nuts.

"Put her down, Butler." Said Artemis loudly. Butler dropped me, and consequently the Fangirl, into the bath. He began to shepherd Artemis out of the bathroom-protection from the crazy girl.

After a few minutes of pointless slapping and kicking, we managed to escape the tub and were in the middle of a world class bitch fight (you should've heard the words she used!) when Butler came back in.

He picked me up by the scruff of my disgusting t shirt and lifted me up. The Fangirl dove at me and whacked me in the stomach. Her momentum carried us right into the mirror, smashing it to pieces. I landed face down in the middle of the shards, swearing.

The Fangirl was gone.

"Well, FUCK!" I yelled. Loudly.

Suddenly, it felt like my stomach and chest was full of needles. Or glass.

Shit.

I closed my eyes, praying I hadn't stabbed myself.

There was a click and several light patters, like footsteps. No way.

I opened my eyes.

Butler was being held at gunpoint by six kids. Six Slayers.

"THANK CARLISLE!" I cried.

"Come on, Hannah, you know I hate Twilight."

Someone offered their hand and pulled me up. I checked my stomach, just a few cuts.

I looked at the speaker. She was blonde, with black and green glasses. A canonist, an expert on Bleach, Fullmetal Alchemist and Naruto.

"Skylar!" I cried. "Thank…God you're here."

She grinned. "Yeah. We need you. There are Fangirls all over this place. How did Artemis survive them?"

"I've only seen a few!" I replied.

"Ahem."

I turned. There were five more Slayers standing around Butler, Sue Guns and Dart Guns drawn.

"Yeah, Han, this is Samantha, Kimberly, Anna-"

"Hey, you're in MINAS!" I cried.

Anna nodded. "Only when she's written well."

"Nishana, and you know Clare."

I waved at them all.

"Yeah." I began. "Artemis is in the next room."

I smiled at them all.

"You know," began Samantha. "Sometimes Fangirologists piss me off."

"Yeah." I agreed. "Shame I am one, huh?"

"_Hannah_. It was rather obvious that Ashley was a pseudonym."

"And here he is!" I cried.

Yes, it was everyones favourite canon, Artemis, looking around with an eyebrow raised.

"He's even better in real life." Kimberly whispered.

"I love meeting canons!" Clare agreed.

"Real life?" Artemis asked flatly.

"Yeah, thanks everyone!" Skylar called.

Artemis was just looking shocked. Very OOC for him.

It was about to get a lot more OOC.

"Artemis." I began. How would you like to know that your entire life was all a lie?"

Anna frowned. "Not a lie, per se, more of a story."

**(1) Yes, the djinni. I just looked to the left, and there it was, the Amulet of Samarkand. Huzzah!**

**(2) That is, my people, the correct spelling. Triple E!!**

**(3) OR IS IT?**

**Next chapter, PLOT TIME!!**

**Sorry for the wait but thank you all for the reviews. Now, if we can all keep this up, the chapters will be going up like there's no tomorrow. **

**Yeah.**

**FRATELLIS ROCK!!**

**Nicola.**

**Next chapter up: ASAP!!**


	11. Piffed My Cornflakes

**I AM SO PISSED OFF RIGHT NOW!!**

**I HAVE SCHOOL CAMP IN TWO DAYS!!**

**THE POWER WENT OUT TWO DAYS AGO AND JUST CAME ON THIS MORNING!!**

**I'M OUT OF CONTACT LENSES!!**

**I FINISHED MAXIMUM RIDE TWO!! Wait, that's a good thing.**

**Thankfully, I used the long boring internet-less hours to write a new chapter. Huzzah!**

**DISCLAIMER: Some flowers are yellow, some berries are blue, Colfer owns Arty, not I or you.**

**Oh yeah, POETRY!!**

**Uh hum. On with story.**

**The Sue Slayers.**

**Chapter 10**

**Piffed My Cornflakes**

_Excerpt from Teenager Vocab, page 439767_

'_Piffed.' Piff-ed. A synonym for tossed or thrown carelessly._

You should've seen the look on Artemis's face. No really, it was priceless. He seemed to frown slightly, then squint at me, then he frowned and squinted simultaneously.

He'd heard those words before, he just didn't know where. We did, and he didn't.

Brilliant. It was all I could do not to dance around, singing, _'I know something you don't_ _know, I know something you don't know!'_

We took him down to the kitchen and began to explain about the Slayers. Not everything. We gave him the version us Slayers call the Crammer.

First, we explained the Three 'Verses.

There is our Galaxy, or Dimension, or Universe (Verse for short), whatever you want to call it. We live in it, it's what you're in right now.

Then there are the Canonverses, where the Canons simply…exist. Like in the Twilight-verse, everything is the same. Except in Forks, Washington, there is a strangely hot family with four teenage children and two hot adoptive parents. In the Artemis Fowl Universe, which is often called the Arty-verse, there are fairies living underground. Like, for real.

And then FanFiction Universes, or Fandoms. They are like Canonverses, but a FanFic authors creation, so Sues and Fangirls may or may not be visible, the Canon and the setting will look different, and so on.

The Universes have four connecting factors.

1. The Canons. They exist in all three, if only in anime, book, show or comic in ours.

2. Fangirls, Stus and Sues. They've been Dimension-hopping since FanFiction was invented.

3. The Slayers. We've been Dimension-hopping since the 1950s.

4. Dreams.

Canons often have dreams about what their Fandom counterparts are doing. Blurred vague dreams, obviously. The better the fic, the less blurred the dream.

I left the girls to explain the more technical side of it and went to have a shower, finally. Besides, I didn't want to be around when they told Artemis about HollyxArty lemon fics. He'd probably start crying or something.

Standing under the water, clothes and all, for ten minutes(1)was no doubt the most wonderful thing that had ever happened to me.

The kitchen was silent when I returned, dressed in my Slayer shirt and leggings.

Butler was sitting silently, staring at Artemis. Artemis was sitting without moving, staring at his thumbs.

The sky was lightening when he looked up.

"Ahem." He said softly.

We all looked up from our cornflakes (2).

"I have cross referenced this with everything I know about this Eoin Colfer." Artemis began quietly. "As well as anyone else who would have the guile to pull something like this."

Yes, authors live in the Canonverses, just not as the authors.

Kim gulped down some OJ. "So, Colfer?"

"Here, Eoin Colfer is the creator of the phenomenally successful Supernaturalist series. There are five books in the series so far."

Samantha and I choked on our coffee. Anne and Clare inhaled some cereal. Skylar and Kim spat out their drinks.

And Nishana cacked herself laughing.

"FIVE?" Samantha cried. "We've only got one!"

"There are movie adaptions of the first three."

"Have you got these books?" Skylar asked, eyes gleaming.

"Mother bought them for Myles and Beckett, for when they-"

"So?" I asked. "Do you believe us?"

"Not really."

I nearly piffed my cornflakes at him.

"Why don't you?" asked Clare.

"Yeah!" I cried. "Dude, the last time you didn't trust a short stranger with weird technology, you nearly got done by trolls!"

Well, that attracted some weird and infuriated stares. We hadn't let on about our extensive People knowledge. The fairies had been our ace up the hole, or whatever it is.

Artemis closed his eyes and breathed deeply. We all leaned closer.

"Fine." He sighed. "But you need to give Butler and myself proof."

We all began to reach into pockets, shoes and holsters.

"No." said Artemis, reaching for his cup of Earl Grey. "I want you to bring me an OC."(3)

Well, crap.

Artemis stood and left the room, Butler close behind him.

I shoved my bowl away.

Nishana sighed. "Hayley will never go for it."

Skylar glanced at me.

"Grace might." She mused. "After all, you did get shot in her battle."

I nodded. "Yeah, but what OC? We need a good one."

"Jackie and Jasmine from Forgotten Forever, by chescazi." Cracked Kim, and we all laughed. Mary Sues, the both of them.

We all fell silent. There had been a lack of good OCs in the Artemis Fowl fandom lately…

"Quinn Davidson?" Clare suggested.

"Twila, da gurl who-" began Anne. (4)

"NO!" we all yelled.

Wrong fandom, anyway.

Samantha suddenly grinned. "ReLive, Ame Shiku."

**(1) There's a drought in Australia at the moment. 10 minutes is like, a long time!!**

**(2) What? We were hungry.**

**(3) All together now….DUN DUN DUN!!**

**(4) ****Twila, The Girl Who Waz In Luv With A Vampyre, the freakin' epitome of sheer fanfic crappiness, Twilight style anyway.**

**Yup, that's all I got to say. I have school camp on Monday for a whole week, so another shorter chapter might be up tomorrow, a parting gift for y'all.**

**Yup.**

**Lotsa luv,**

**Nicola.**

**NEXT CHAPTER: VV SOON, hopefully.**


	12. You Guessed It, Priceless

Basically, there were two highlights on camp:

_**ATTENTION EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU!! YES, YOU TOO, ACADEMIAN. **_

_This is incredibly important stuff. You can tell by my excessive use of bold, italics and underlining. Research. _

_Basically in the next few chapters there will be a lot of references to aussie bands and food, like lamingtons, for instance. God, I love that song…(it's actually a food)_

_So you need to know who or what Kisschasy, Adam Gilchrist, Shane Warne, Gabriella Cilmi, Jet, Powderfinger, Summer Heights High, Thirsty Merc, Phar Lap (hint: it's a horse), Faker, The Chasers War on Everything (aka the Chaser), Kate Miller-Heidke are. Oh, and that bastard Wayne Carey. The majority are bands, but some are just ridiculous._**  
**

**To business…**

**Basically, there were two highlights on camp:**

**The high ropes course**

**And…**

**Being attacked by possums on Thursday night.**

**Any questions? No, seriously. Any?**

**Yeah, on with story. It's good to be back.**

**DISCLAIMER: AF belongs to Colfer, Twilight belongs to Meyer, Slayers belong to yours truly and Ame Shiku belongs to Amaya-Black-Wings.**

**The Sue Slayers**

**Chapter…It's been so long I've bloody forgotten!! Um….Eleven?**

**Yeah, Eleven.**

**Chapter Eleven, You Guessed It-Priceless.**

We all nodded in agreement.

"Now." I said. "Who's going to go get her? I vote for you, Skylar."

"I vote for you!" she said. "You're the one who got attacked by Fangirls in front of him!"

"Like it was my fault." I grumbled, glaring at the tabletop. Stupid table.

"Five against one," Skylar told me. "And we're Slayers, you know, for _Slaying _stuff."

I sighed and stood. "Right." I said. "I'll call Grace."

**xOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOOxOxOxOxO**

**Thursday, about teatime**

**The corridor, Fowl Manor, Dublin, Ireland**

**reLive Fandom (Canon, Fowl Artemis, Original Author, Colfer Eoin, Fandom creator FanFiction . net author-** **714573)**

**The Universe**

**And so on…**

Hideous blue and pink portal floating in midair? Five dollars.

Windswept head (invisible to all, now) poking out of portal? Ten dollars.

Incredibly dizzy pubescent wobbling out of portal, bumping into walls? Fifteen dollars.

Incredibly dizzy pubescent 'Sparrowing' towards priceless sculpture? Twenty dollars.

Incredibly dizzy pubescent (accidentally) smashing said priceless sculpture? You guessed it-

Priceless.

I stumbled away from the porcelain shards, cursing Carlisle with all my might. Stupid rich Fowls.

Thank the Gods of Book-Fiction (Carlisle, Bartimaeus, Lemony and Max) that I was invisible to everyone in this fandom. Sues and Fangirls didn't appear in their usual forms. My only task was to get Ame. It would be easy. I had a perfect, flawless plan. The Portal would've dropped me to within one hundred metres of her, then I'd just dart Ame with my-

Ah yes, there it was, the flaw in my otherwise flawless plan.

I looked around. The portal was gone. I was in the same corridor I had been in during the 'Hannah and Montana' incident, minus one sculpture, obviously. Ame would be nearby. I ran through the plans of Fowl Manor in my head. Four possible places. Artemis's rooms, Artemis's study (1), the library or the bathroom.

Shame there were so many bathrooms.

I checked four bathrooms, searched Artemis's room and found his study locked. That left one place. The library.

I hurried down the corridor, cursing Eoin Colfer for making the Fowls so rich.

Artemis and Ame were reading peacefully in the library together. Naruto (2) and a psychology textbook. How cute.

I cursed Matt under my breath, wished for my gun one more time, then slipped past the pair into the shelves.

I would need the thickest, heaviest hardcover book this library would have to offer. In my experience, paperback wouldn't do. (3)

The Macquarie Complete Dictionary-every word in the English Language from 1801 to present day. Thicker than my arm, heavier than a ton of bricks-wait, that made no sense, forget it- and with a thick, leather bound cover.

I just hoped it wouldn't give them any brain damage.

I slunk up behind them, raised the book above my head and swung down, whacking Artemis's head with a painful sounding, deep thunk.

"What the?" was the only thing Ame got out before I thumped her too. What else would you say about a floating, concussive dictionary?

Holy crap, perhaps?

**(1) I was assuming she was with Artemis, of course.**

**(2) I'd have to introduce her to Amelia…**

**(3) A lot of painful research went into this, and let me tell you, Ptolemy's Gate hurts, but the Half Blood Prince can knock you out.**

**I AM SO SIZZLING SORRY this took so long, but I did come second in the High Jump at School Athletics today…I jumped 125 centimetres…**

**And thanks to amaya-black-wings for lending me Ame, and for drawing this absolutely fantabulous picture of Hannah…**

**http / amaya-nightrain. deviantart. com/ art/ Your-Gun-My-Gun- 82779099**

**Yeah.**

**That's all I got to say.**

**Keep an eye out for my new Bartimaeus fic, it's coming to a fandom near you!!**

**Lotsa luv and free brownies,**

**Nicola.**

**NEXT CHAPTER: ASAICWI (As Soon As I Can Write It)**


	13. Fountaining Fountain

Yes, that last chapter was short, I apologise

**Yes, that last chapter was short, I apologise.**

**Yeah.**

**Thanks for all the reviews. I'm sorry it took so long to update, but my mum is limiting my time on the computer, to half an hour on each weeknight.**

**Yeah. Sucks to be me, I know.**

**And thanks to amaya-black-wings for all her help on this chapter.**

**DISCLAIMER: Do I look like an Irishman to you?**

_Excerpt from UnderCover in Canonland, page 364_

_Leave no trace. That is the cardinal rule. Do not leave a strand of hair. Socks are ok to forget, however, as long as you only leave one…._

A swirling pink and blue portal appeared above the fridge, and with a muffled curse, the limp body of an unconscious Japanese girl flew out, landing on some prearranged cushions. A conscious Australian followed, but missed the cushions.

"Fuguggle!" I yelped. (1)

The Slayers grouped around Ame, turning her on her back, checking her breathing, pulse, the massive bump on the back of her head.

I stood and examined it. Huh. My cricket skills had come in handy for once.

Anna looked at me. "Go get Artemis."

"Shouldn't we wait till she wakes up?" I asked her.

She shook her head. "No. If she's awake he'll perform a psychological assessment or something, without us realising."

Ame stirred. "Ah….kuso." she muttered.

"Listen to the Canonist, Hannah." Kim pointed at the door.

I opened my mouth to protest, but Anna made a jerking motion with her head.

"He said something about his library, or the study. Most likely study, centre of info, you know."

Anna was right. Artemis was sitting quietly in his study, tapping away at the keyboard of an iMac. Well, I was pretty sure it was an iMac. The keyhole didn't give me a good view.

Suddenly, Butler opened the door.

"Hello, Hannah." He said in a quiet voice. "Can I help you?"

"Yeah." I said, sizing him up. "Can I please speak with Artemis?"

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Artemis shake his head slightly.

"Oh." I shrugged. "Can I leave him a message? Tell him we got Miss Shiku, she may be concussed and-"

Artemis stood quickly, knocking his chair backwards. "Where is she?"

I lead him back down to the kitchen. What we saw wasn't pretty.

A very wet Ame was brandishing a rolling pin at the girls, all of whom had their guns drawn, loaded and primed.

"What the hell?" I shrieked, ducking behind the doorframe.

Artemis took a step into the room, arms folded with a mildly amused smile on his face. Well, more of a smirk, but it was close.

"Might I ask?" he said quietly. "What is going on here?"

Nishana lowered her rifle slightly. "Your girlfriends gone psycho!" (2)

Ame glared at her before glancing over at Artemis. "I'm not a girlfriend to

that bastard!"

His eyebrow raised just oh so slightly to his new and crude name.

"And, uh…You know these people?" she asked.

Artemis seemed to ponder the question. "The girl cowering behind the door is Hannah-I'm fairly certain these are her work colleagues."

"Put…the rolling pin…down…Ame." Said Nishana.

"Put the guns down!" Ame replied.

Clare, Sam and Anna followed Ame's instructions, giving her big smiles.

"What is going on?" asked Ame.

"To be honest, Ame, I'm not sure." Said Artemis.

Silence.

Ame dropped her rolling pin, Nishana lowered her rifle in shock. Even Butler raised an eyebrow.

"Woah." I muttered.

Everyone turned to look at me.

"Well, you were all thinking it!" I protested, walking into the kitchen. "Ame, this is Artemis."

"Good morning," said Artemis, offering his hand.

Ame gave him the evil eye. "Artemis…what are you doing?"

"Introducing myself."

"My God, he's an idiot!" muttered Clare.

Ame looked around at her. "Yeah, I agree…who are you?"

"Captain Clare Mart-I mean Clare. Yeah. Clare." (3)

"Artemis?" asked Ame, turning back to the boy genius. "They aren't with…Holly, are they? They aren't, uh, _birds_? High birds?"

"No, Ame." Said Skylar. "We aren't Avian-Human Hybrids-"

We all giggled at the Maximum Ride reference.

"And we're not with Holly." Finished Kim

"Then what are you? Who are you with?"

"Yes, that's what I'd like to know." Said Artemis. "And where did the other one of you girls go?"

"Yeah, where is Nish?" asked Samantha.

We looked around the room-no Nishana.

"She was here a minute ago." Said Anna.

Thump.

"What the heck was that for!" shrieked Ame. Nishana was standing behind her, holding a rolling pin like a baseball bat.

Ame rubbed the second, growing bump on the back of her head.

"Think of it as a cricket bat." I advised.

"What do you mean?"

Ame rounded on me.

"You hit me?" she asked.

"Sort of." I told her. "The dictionary did all the work. And I used to love cricket, you know."

"Oh, like a cricket bat!" said Nishana, and swung the dictionary, hard. (4)

Down she went like King Kong off the Empire State Building. Artemis practically flung himself down beside her, suddenly in a fluster, checking her pulse, breathing. He opened her closed eyes and checked her pupils. I rolled my eyes.

"What a day you two are having." Commented Nishana, lowering her pin.

Anna and Samantha pulled Artemis back.

"Calm down, Artemis." Kim told him, as she grabbed Ame under the arms and hauled into a sitting position.

"She's not concussed, I hope." Said Anna.

Artemis frowned. "No. Why did you hit her?"

"Easier to get through the portal this way. Guys, seriously. Need help." (5)

We all hauled Ame onto the table, and Anna pulled out her MUPRC (Multi Universe Portal Remote Controller) and pressed something.

Ten seconds later, a portal opened and Kim slid Ame off the table, into it.

Anna tapped on the MUPRC again, and ten seconds later, the portal closed.

Artemis watched this exchange with a shocked expression. Well, his version of a shocked expression, eyes widened by 0.545 parts of a millimetre.

"That thing needs new batteries." Commented Skylar. "Give it to Hannah, she'll plug it into the Fangirls."

"Hey, I'm not your slave!" I protested. "Artemis, are you ok?"

"Earl Grey and some biscuits." Anna advised us all.

Butler hurried in, pushed a chair under Artemis and began to check his vitals. (6)

"I think hot chocolate and cookies would be more appropriate." Said Nishana, filling the kettle with water.

"I don't like _cookies._" Said Artemis quietly.

"Got any lamingtons?" I asked.

Butler sighed. "I think Artemis needs to be alone for a moment. Ladies, if you please."

He gestured at the door.

We trooped out of the room. Just before the door closed, I saw Artemis rest his face in his hands.

The door slammed shut.

"Poor guy." I whispered.

We stood in the corridor for a few moments in silence, until Skylar tapped me on the shoulder.

"Hannah, you should go upstairs and pack your things. We're needed at the gates."

"Needed at the gates?" I asked.

Clare smiled. "We'll explain in a minute. Go get your stuff. Don't leave _anything_ behind."

I nodded. "The Handbook. Leave no trace, unless a sequel is planned."

"Good one."

I walked slowly upstairs and tried to remember which one was my room. Was it the one with the vase next to it, the one at the end of the hall, or the one with Sue Serum on the door? Three guesses.

**xOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxOxO**

**Grace's POV**

**Tactics Table, The Gates of Fowl Manor**

**Dublin, Ireland**

**The Canonverse**

"And when we lose four, that's the signal for the song." Said Hayley, the American Commander, tapping the list of AEPRP.

"I'm not OK." Agreed Marcus. Leader of the British.

I nodded, as did Amelia.

She pointed at the middle of the map.

"I'm a little worried about that fountain. Fangirls are good swimmers, and they have a high lung capacity-"

"We could drain it." Suggested Marcus.

"They could see us. You'd notice if your fountain stopped fountaining." Countered Hayley.

"It should be fine." Amelia said. "We'll add some tranquillisers to the water."

"Various Commanders!" yelled a Slayer from the laptop table. "Team B are back!"

We all turned from the maps and lists. Skylar, Samantha, Kim, Nishana, Anna and Clare were ushering Hannah through the trees.

"What is happening?" she asked.

"Hayley Long, Commander, USA." Hayley offered her hand to Hannah. Hannah took it.

"Uh, Hannah Lynch, Apprentice Fangirologist, Australia."

Marcus stuck out his hand. "Marc-"

Cutting him off, I began. "You've been busy, Hannah."

Hannah licked her lips nervously.

"I forgot about the bugs." She muttered. "But it was the Fangirl-Fangirls, seriously, what was I s'posed to do?"

I glanced at the rest of the people around the table, the English, American, French (Genevieve D-Albreta) and Canadian (Patrick Black) Commanders, Amelia and the Captain of American Fangirology, Alex Smith.

"Ever heard of sleepwalking?" I asked.

Hannah's eyebrows shot up under her fringe. "I was screaming, swearing and doing freaking karate!"

"Call that karate?' muttered Patrick.

Amelia glared at him.

"Have you ever fought a Fangirl?" asked Ameila cooly.

"No." said Pat. "Can't say I have."

"Well, you see, Fangirls have a very random fighting style, mostly based on anger, and the energy comes from adrenaline, and they lash out."

Amelia rolled up her right sleeve. On her wrist there was a clear half circle scar.

"They bite." She said. "Hard."

It was true. Though the Slayers had the highest serious injury (and fatality) rate, the Fangirologists were the ones coming in with the sprains, dislocations, nose bleeds and the inevitable slaps and scratches.

Sucks to be them, I know.

**(1) Morris Gleitzman made up the word. Read Teachers Pet if you don't believe me….**

**(2) Technically, she wasn't his girlfriend. She was his Fandom counterparts girlfriend. Just thought I'd clear that up.**

**(3) She was going to say Captain Clare Martin, Canonology, Australia. It was a habit we all had, Rank, name, class, place. It was how you introduced yourself in a serious situation.**

**(4) She had terrible form, her elbows were too straight and her hands were all wrong. Just thought I'd point that out.**

**(5) OCs and Canons aren't made for Verse-jumping-it just spins us Slayers around a bit, but puts OCs in the washing machine.**

**(6) I just realised, that's the third time in this chapter that someone's had their vitals checked.**

**It IS possible for a human to leave a bite mark scar, I've done it myself, and was called Viper for three weeks afterwards…**

**Yeah.**

**I gotta do my maths assignment.**

**Lotsa Love,**

**Nicola**

**Next Chapter: I don't know, late Saturday, Australian time.**


	14. Third Most Random Thing

Amelia pulled her hair (Sakura, ala Naruto) into a ponytail

**Hope all Aussies and New Zealanders had lots of ANZAC biscuits on Friday. I had to go to my schools service early Thursday morning, and it was bloody cold!**

**But you know. Yeah, I do too. Lest we forget, and all that jazz…**

**On with story….**

**The Sue Slayers**

**Chapter 13 (wow, thirteen!!)**

**Third Most Random Thing**

_Fangirls and Mary Sues spend a lot of time on Fanfic sites, reading and chatting. The time spent on these sites, for some, has permanently disabled their speech, making them speak in chatspeak. So when OMG is written, to them it actually means O-M-G, or LOL is L-O-L._

Amelia pulled her hair (Sakura, ala Naruto) into a ponytail.

"Jeez, Amelia." Said Marcus. "Was it an Edward Fangirl?"

I snickered. "Dude, it was a Fang one."

Amelia grinned, pulling her sleeve down. "Right, Hannah. First, we need to find your gun."

"Matt has it." I told her.

"Yeah, I know." She replied, beginning to steer me away from the table, past the speaker technicians, the Sue Scouts and a dartboard, into a thick copse.

"We need a Sue Shooter as well. Then a Double-Holder-Holster™ and some ammo."

"What is exactly happening?" I asked. "Like, Fangirls are everywhere! I've seen about eight!"

"Hannah." Amelia looked down at me. "There are hundreds more. Well, about a hundred and ninety-two, we're not sure where-"

Thud.

I fell against a tree.

"ONE HUNDRED AND NINETY TWO?" I shrieked.

Amelia gave me a weak grin. "It could be worse."

"And…how?" I spluttered. Nothing Amelia had ever taught me would apply fighting 192 stark raving mad teenager girls. Or guys.

"There could be a whole ton of Sues coming."

There was a rustling in the bushes to our left. We both stared at it, and Amelia drew her gun.

"Like, OMG!"

We froze, and a girl stumbled out of the bushes.

"Speak of the Victoria." I muttered.

The girl tossed her long, golden tresses over her shoulder, blinking her violet and silver eyes at us.

"Like, OMG!" she said in a musical tone.

My first Wild Sue. A historic moment. She was so beautiful…

"Hannah, hit…or miss." Muttered Amelia. She was humming something with a strange riff as she reloaded.

The Sue straightened her tattered white dress, which just barely covered her slender legs and ample-

"You're gonna need a bodybag!" Amelia hissed at me. I looked her, eyebrows raised.

The Sue tossed her tresses again.

"Can you, like, help me?" she asked.

"Sure." I said. "What is it?"

"Can you take me to Artemis? He's my one true love, you see, and I need to see him."

I grinned and held out my hand. "Yeah. Now, this way-"

"Oh my Carlisle, Hannah, you, you-!" cried Amelia, and suddenly yelled the third most random thing I'd heard that week.

"FLATHEAD!"

The Sue and I glanced at Amelia, and a faint voice yelled back-

"Yes, ma'am!"

Very faintly, I heard a strange guitar riff, then the music cranked up. Way up. (1)

"_Just because she feeds me well and she made me talk dirty in a pink hotel-_

_doesn't mean she's got eyes for me…_

_she might just want my bones you see."_

I felt like a hundred litres of ice cold water had been dumped on my head. I stared at the Sue, as she crumpled to the ground, blocking her ears.

"_Hey flathead don't you get mean, she's the second best killer that I have ever seen._

_They don't come much more sick than you, I could go on if you want me to."_

The golden curls and the eyes, which were grotesquely large, now I could see properly, fell away, and a brown ponytail and dark blue eyes grew in their place. The Sues body shrank in some places, and grew in others.

Crack!

Amelia hit her in the nose with a Serum capsule.

The Sue rolled around in the leaves in agony, kicking and flailing, clawing at her face.

Finally, the Sue began to scream, a horrible scratchy sound that sounded like someone was beating a cat with some bagpipes. (2)

And woosh, she exploded into a big bloody mess, splattering everything in the immediate vicinity with blood, other bodily fluids, a few brain cells and Chanel No5.

Amelia reloaded with a click that echoed around the clearing.

"It's clear!" she yelled. "And what a great job you all did!"

Three Slayers emerged from the trees.

"Well, we had no shoes on." One muttered in an English accent.

I wiped some red gunk off my t-shirt.

"I really need a gun."

**(1) I'm saying UP, like one hundred and decibels up.**

**(2) A little louder, obviously. And unlike the cat, she didn't spit at us.**

**The song, obviously, was Flathead by the Fratellis, and was used in that pretty awesome iPod ad a while ago.**

**Ok.**

**REVIEW!!**

**Now, off to do homework…**

**Lotsa love,**

**Nicola.**

**Next chapter: Absolutely no idea…cookie, anyone?**


	15. Cooing Over It

The Playlist of Sue Slaying, several excerpts:

**Uh….gotta be quick, half hour rule and I'm already at forty five minutes….i finished MR3 today, yay Faxness and all that jazz, I'm hopped up on bacon and the WEASELS ARE OUT TO GET ME!!**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Artemis Fowl, he would be in a punk rock band. Obviously, I don't own him.**

**The Sue Slayers**

**Chapter 14**

**Cooing Over It**

_Excerpt from Lesser Known Posts, page 19._

_Sue Scouts are apprentice Slayers, used for tracking wilder Sues and taking them down. They work closely with the music researchers or Musos, the technicians in charge of music for slaying._

"I'll keep you my dirty little-"

"Miss Murder can I, hey Miss Murder can-"

"I tear my heart open-"

"Comb the crowd and pick you-"

"Runnin' in circles again."

"Shut UP, you tech heads!" some Slayer yelled. The two boys sitting at a laptop with massive speakers grinned sheepishly.

I zipped up my nice, pristine Slayer jacket and fiddled with my dogtags. Beside me, Amelia was peering through binoculars, sitting perfectly still on her branch. She was in her sort of 'Mentor' mood, and was telling me about Fangirls in formation. Fascinating stuff, really.

Well, if you didn't know what she was going on about you'd fall out of the tree in boredom but I was riveted, except when I sat on a sharp piece of bark.

"It's really amazing how they don't trip over each other in such close formation, but they rehearse these marches at their 'Sits.'"

I leant forward and parted the leaves, expecting to see a Patrol springing across Fowl Manors lawn but nothing. Just….lawn.

Amelia handed me the binoculars.

"Try the rose bush at ten o'clock."

I looked through the binoculars and found the place Amelia was talking about, a cluster of rose bushes. I focused the binoculars a little better, and yes, underneath a deep crimson flower, two pairs of eyes, the skin around them smudged with dirt.

"They must have been travelling for days," I remarked.

"Weeks." Amelia corrected me. "This morning, when you destroyed Artemis's universe, I saw a Squee of Japanese Fangirls heading across Dublin."

"I was attacked by a Japanese Fangirl!"

"Shush, my young padawan. Disturbing the Fangirls, you are." Amelia said. (1)

I began to look around the grounds. A footprint in the dew-hard to believe it was only nine in the morning, when I had been up all night. There were a few hair clips by the front door (2), a smear of lipstick on some daisies, and of course, a few dozen fanfics spread across the driveway. Sue Scouts had been dispatched to collect them up. Terrible, everyone single one of them. (3)

Typical signs of a Squee 'Sit', a temporary campsite for Fangirls. Other signs were empty nail polish bottles, outdated mobile phones and discarded, broken iPod headphones.

I handed the binoculars back to Amelia. She smiled at me.

"You know, Artemis will get over it."

"Over what? And you're not a Canonist."

"Over you ruining his life, telling him millions of people have access to his innermost secrets, he'll get over it."

"You lie."

Amelia opened her mouth, but we were distracted.

Something rustled below us (4) and we both shut up.

Amelia was perched rather precariously on a leafy part, so she couldn't see who was below us. I leant over and looked down.

Not a pretty sight.

Auburn tresses, waving down over two sculpted shoulders and coming to a rest on a stacked chest. Long legs delicately picking their way through the leaves, clad in long dark skinny jeans and black boots.

My view of her top half (excusing her chest obviously) was obscured by hair.

Amelia tapped my shoulder.

"Sue?" she mouthed.

I nodded, feeling slightly dizzy.

Slowly, slowly Amelia pulled her Sue gun out of her holster and handed it to me.

The Mary Sue slumped by the tree, sighing like some princess stuck in a tower.

"Why?" she whimpered pathetically.

I glanced at Amelia again. She rolled her eyes and started singing in a low voice.

"Ecstasy, Ecstasy, e-e-e-e Ecstasy." She handed me her gun and I kept singing the song in my head.

'She's a naughty girl with a bad habit-a bad habit for drugs. She's a party girl with a bad habit-'

I started laughing despite the situation. God, I loved Mr G.

I loaded with a click.

The Sue gasped again, looked up and I shot her.

Just like that.

She , of course, started writhing around and screaming, her hair turning a much lighter, and shrinking to a shoulder length cut, her body re proportioning itself.

I shuddered. I had a feeling there was going to be a lot of this in the next few days.

Amelia zipped up her jacket.

"Come on." She said. "Back to base. It's time you learnt what's going on."

She shimmied down the tree trunk, singing.

"Party girl, with a bad habit, bad habit for drugs."

I slipped down after her.

"Matt! There you are!" cried Amelia.

Matt looked like a blonde Terminator in an orange and green shirt. He had an ankle holster with a Serum pistol (5), a hip holster with two guns, capsules strapped across his torso and a massive rifle on his back.

"You got my gun?" I asked him.

Matt squinted at me. "Who are you?"

My jaw dropped. "You shot me, along with Artemis, Butler and that blonde chick…."

"Minerva. Fine MINAS member you are."

"Thanks, _Millie._ You know, I fell onto rocks, whacked my head into big puddle of red stuff…"

"You don't have any bruises." Matt said.

"What?" I asked.

"If you'd fallen onto rocks, you'd have bruises. Any on your arms?"

I frowned and rolled up my sleeves. Fresh marks from the bark. Nothing else.

"There were bruises…" I trailed off. "Got me gun?"

Matt grinned and pulled my gun from one of his ankles.

"Fangirl serum not affecting you?" he asked.

I yanked the gun off him and started cooing over it.

"My preciousssss…whaddya mean the Serum?"

"Well, when I shot you with the Serum you displayed the usual effects it has on adolescent psychos."

"You should be toppling over right now, Hannah." Said Amelia, as if she'd just realised.

"I should, shouldn't I."

"Maybe he healed you." Said Matt.

"Who?" I asked.

Amelia rolled her eyes. "Honestly, sometimes you're as blind as Iggy."

"Oh!" I said, what they were talking about dawning on me. "I doubt it."

"You did ruin his life."

Matt shifted under his rifle. "This thing is heavy. Mil, you're wrong. I bet Fowl did heal her. Dang Fangirologists, you're all so…"

He never did get a chance to finish that sentence (6) because at that very moment in time, that split second, four different Squees swarmed all over the camp, loaded up with sticks, stones and a whole arsenal of insults.

We were in trouble.

**(1) Just for the record, her Yoda impression was **_**terrible.**_

**(2) Lemme tell you, they were some good binoculars.**

**(3) Yup, they were all plotless, pointless and pathetic. Unlike the book Plotless, Pointless and Pathetic, which is hilarious.**

**(4) For the incredibly stupid and unobservant who haven't realised yet, we were in a tree.**

**(5) In other words, a souped up water pistol.**

**(6) Probably a good thing, because all the Fangirologists in the vicinity would've pounded him. We are truly a proud race. A proud, Fangirl shooting race.**

**The song, Naughty Girl is off this immensely popular show, Summer Heights High. You better YouTube it, it's hilarious. This is more of a MOVE THE PLOT ALONG chapter than anything else. That explains the sheer crappiness of the humor in it.**

**Just to check that anyone actually reads my authors notes, here is a special password, moderate. If someone gives the password in a review, I give you a sneak peek of the next chapter.**

**Hope you all check out my FIRST Maximum Ride fic, Prayer. **

**Uh, thanks for reading, everyone!!**

**Lotsa Love,**

**Nicola**

**Next chapter up: In time, in time.**


	16. DuckandCovers

WE HIT 200 REVIEWS

**WE HIT 200 REVIEWS!! WE MADE IT!! THIS IS, LIKE CHAPTER 15!! IT HAS 239 WORDS IN IT!! IT'S THE LONGEST THING I'VE WRITTEN ON THIS SITE!! WHY AM I WRITING IN CAPITALS??**

**DISCLAIMER: Ich heisse Nicola, der epitome of randomness. Ich heisse nicht Eoin Colfer, der author oft Artemis Fowl.**

**Hooray for broken german!!**

**The Sue Slayers**

**Chapter 15**

**Duck-and-covers**

Blue Fangirls! Pink Fangirls! Red, orange and green Fangirls! They swarmed over the camp.

I shot wildly into the Patrol in front of me, felling a tubby Fangirl. Amelia yanked at my wrist and we ran into the trees, helping Matt set up his rifle.

Four Slayers, identified by their stripes (1), and six Fangirologists dove in from the fray.

"Captain!" squealed an American apprentice Fangirologist.

Ooooh, they were referring to Amelia by rank. (2) This was _serious_.

"Circle the perimeter. Shoot any non-OCs on sight."

"And the trampled people?" asked Clare, who'd run in with the Slayers.

"Get them out. We'll meet back here in ten minutes if this doesn't die down."

Amelia glanced out at the attack. Bitch slapping, screaming, biting and shooting. (3)

The Slayers seemed to be gaining the upper hand as I shinned up a tree, holding a case of darts in my mouth. Still, I was fairly sure that another Squee was lying in wait, if the battle went shaped like a pear.

I aimed at a blonde Fangirl who was on the fringes of the fight, clipping her in the shoulder. She clutched at the dart and keeled over. I shot at the girl behind her, who was in the process of kicking the shit out of a Canonist my age. She flopped over too, and the Canonist grabbed another Fangirl by the hair. I shot at her, missed and shot again. It hit her in the waist.

The Canonist waved over at me, and grabbing a boy, ran for the trees.

I grinned. I'd never been in a firefight before, and it was kind of…fun. (4)

Somewhere in the trees, an iPod tech had obviously escaped with their equipment, because as I took down another Fangirl, the Killers began to boom from my right.

At the first catchy twangs of guitar, the Fangirls lost their heart rates of 176 (5), their pulses plummeting down to about one hundred. They lost their hyper energy, and the battle (aka eighty-odd different bitch fights and twenty duck-and-covers)

'_You sit there in your heartache_

_Waiting on some beautiful boy to_

_To save you from your old ways_

_You play forgiveness_

_Watch him now, here he come.'_

Yeah, the Killers kill in battle. I felled a blonde Fangirl as she fled from the battle.

'_He doesn't look a thing like Jesus_

_But he talks like a gentleman_

_Like you imagined when you were young.'_

A familiar Fangirl, with strange silver streaks in her hair leapt onto the table where, until recently the Commanders had been hanging out, and began to scream in the Fangirl dialect.

"OMG, lyk, G2G!! TOTLY!! G2G!!"

The table collapsed under her weight.

As one, the Fangirls-every single one of them that wasn't unconscious turned and ran, leaving about forty others, sleeping.

"Everyone in!" I heard Amelia shout. I jumped down from my perch and ran into the clearing.

Most of the Slayers seemed to be alright. The majority had scratches, a few had black eyes and I saw at least six nosebleeds.

Amelia went straight for the Commanders, immediately beginning to yell at them. I headed in the opposite direction, looking for any remaining Fangirls.

"Hannah Banana! You're ok!!" I was knocked over by a blonde missile.

"Ooof." I rubbed my head. "Hi Molly!!"

Molly ruffled her hair up and grinned. "I saw you shooting-awesome!"

"Where were you?" I asked. "More important, why are you here?"

Molly was a young Canonist. We'd only need about three in a situation this big, and I'd already seen twelve. (6)

"Grace wanted me here. She says we need the big guns."

She sounded a little weird, considering Molly weighs, like, 30 kilos. She's like a Human-Avian hybrid…except she can't fly. (7)

I nodded, picking up a crushed Super Soaker. What a waste.

We were going to have a water fight.

"Right!" Yelled someone. "Pile the Fangirls here!"

"_You're making choice to live like this-_

_, And all of the noise,_

 _I Am Silence. _

_We already know how it ends tonight,_

 _You run in the dark through a firefight."_

I had a massive headache, and the Yellowcard wasn't helping. I mean sure, I love their unique brand of punk rock with violins, but seriously. This was after seven hours of My Chemical Romance (Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge), Cute Is What We Aim For (The Same Old Blood Rush), Good Charlotte (Self-Titled), Sum 41 (Does This Look Infected?), Fall Out Boy (Evening Out With Your Girlfriend) and bloody New Found Glory (Catalyst).

And now were halfway through Paper Walls. I had been praying they would at least chuck on Only One, at least it was quiet, but that wasn't even on the Slayer Playlist.

I readjusted the towel over my eyes and stuck my fingers in my ears again.

The tent was _so _not soundproof.

Someone began to unzip the tent flap.

"Hannah, we need-what's with the towel?" Grace asked.

"I'm getting a migraine." I whined.

"Suck it up, Montana." She reached over and yanked the towel off my eyes.

"What do you want?" I groaned.

"We have out-of-date blueprints, and I want you to look at them."

I wriggled out of my sleeping bag, grabbed my runners (8) and crawled out into a tree trunk.

"Ridiculous place to put a tent," I muttered, following Grace.

The other Commanders, and the Fangirology Captains were standing around the area where until recently, the Tactics table had been. As I walked up, Marisa and another Canonist hurried over.

"Hannah, Kasey, Kasey, Hannah." Said Amelia, gesturing to the other Canonist.

I nodded at Kasey and she smiled.  
"Pleased to meet you." She said in an English accent.

"Right." Said Fred-I mean Hayley. "Hannah, we want to send in the Snipers and a couple of Fangirologists to flush out the Fangirls in Fowl Manor."

"Excellent decision," I commented. "I trust dear Millie here had something to do with that."

Hayley smiled in Amelia's direction. "Yuh-huh. Perfectly planned, except that the blueprints we have of Fowl Manor are wrong. There are hallways that don't exist, rooms that do but aren't listed-you were attacked in one of them."

"I'm not too good with blueprints," I said. (9) "If someone shows me how to draw them, I could probably try."

"Not enough time-none of us can draw them anyway." Marcus told me. "We need you to take the Snipers to the attic and then you and the other Fangirologists will find and eliminate any Fangirls."

I blinked. Long sentence much?

"So you want me to take four people with massive guns, and seven-"

"Ten, including you."

"Ten Fangirologists into a securely guarded location, unseen by the occupants, and chase out the invisible, yet incredibly noisy hormonal teenager girls?"

"That's about it."

"Right. Easy."

NOT!

**(1) Our uniforms have colour coded stripes on the right shoulder. Light blue for Slayers, yellow for Fangirologists, orange for Canonist and bright green for researcher.**

**(2) We never call each other by rank, I mean it sounds stupid, Captain Amelia, Commander Grace, Private Hannah. Ridiculous.**

**(3) Honestly, it was like the bloody Big Brother house.**

**(4) Barring the majority of my friends being badly injured by hyped up groupies, of course.**

**(5) That's the average. And I've seen em with rates of **_**210**_**.**

**(6) Twelve-ish. Four of them had been in training, and two had been Slayer Canonists. That is, Slayers who were also Canonists.**

**(7) OR CAN SHE?**

**(8) American translation: Sneakers.**

**(9) Actually, I'm terrible with them. Why **_**are**_** they blue, anyway?**

**That song was When You Were Young by The Killers. All the mentioned artists and albums, My Chemical Romance, Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge, Cute Is What We Aim For, The Same Old Blood Rush, Good Charlotte, Self-Titled, Sum 41, Does This Look Infected?, Fall Out Boy, Evening Out With Your Girlfriend and New Found Glory with Catalyst.**

**Trust me on this, I had to end the chapter there. Artemis'll be making another more vocal appearance next chapter, and there will be soooo much more music, it will be like a Spit Roast songfic. **

**When you read my next rant, you'll understand. And as part of this run-on sentence, the first reviewer of this chapter will get a sneak peek of the next one!!**

**Back to school tomorrow, and I have 2 assignments so updates will be hampered by those, my mild case of writers block and my roller-skating injuries. My butt will never be the same…**

**Ahem.**

**REVIEW!!**

**Lotsa love,**

**Nicola.**

**Next chapter up: First draft is MISSING IN ACTION!**

**Oh, and word count: 1494. I need more WORDS!!**


	17. An Appropriate Greeting

I'm really sorry this has taken so long, but something really important came up

**I'm really sorry this has taken so long, but something really important came up. Something really really important…Percy Jackson.**

**Yeah.**

**So, while I wasted time hunting down book 2 (I just finished it), did homework, and imagined how FREAKIN' COOL it would be to be a half-blood. I'd like to be a daughter of Artemis (not gunna happen) or Athena.**

**But yeah.**

**On with story.**

**MUCH apologising, et cetera.**

**DISCLAIMER: For crying out loud, stop asking for autographs! I'm NOT EOIN COLFER!**

**The Sue Slayers**

**Chapter XVI, or sechzehn, or 8x 2 or 2x8 or 4 x4….or1+1+1+1+**

**1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1.**

**An Appropriate Greeting**

'_Excerpt from Sue Fighting Habits, page 45_

_Some Sues, the ones who do not have kick-ass fighting skills, use the nearest objects to protect themselves. Do not attack Sues in bathrooms. Curling irons and hairspray are a deadly combination….'_

Earlier, when I said the Slayers never leave anything behind, I may have grabbed a few extra things-a half empty (or half full) bottle of Chanel no5, a Jodi Piccoult novel that had been in Artemis's study, the Pantene ProV bottle, and of course, my set of keys to Fowl Manor.

So, after I finished chapter 15 of My Sisters Keeper (we had time to kill-we had to wait until semi-darkness), we jogged out of camp to the tune of Snakeskin by Gyroscope, and followed the wall around to where I thought the servants entrance would be.

_Hang up the phone, no need to cry. _

_I'll take you home, it'll be alright. _

_Tonight means nothing if we stay._

I was boosted over the wall, and after stumbling from the spiky hedges, unlocked the door.

_Staying here will only breed obsession, and I'm already obsessed. _

_If everything you see is your possession, then I'm already possessed. _

_Careful kid - this is not your song, although it could be before too long._

We all filed into the dark hallway and spread into the kitchen. Amelia stood on the table, in between the breakfast dishes and began to point at people, saying Team 1, 2, 3 or 4.

"Right." She said. "Earpieces in. Listen to Hannah."

We all tucked our earpieces into our right ears. Through the tiny speakers, I could still hear the song.

_Before too long, a lesson learned; to stand downwind and watch it burn, _

_To the lake, wash away any trace of yesterday._

I stood on a chair and looked at the decked out crowd. They looked like the Sue Slayers fanfic writers heard about, with ammo on their belts, guns in holsters. The Fangirologists all had knives, the Slayers had little Patrick Stump figurines. (1)

"Ok." I began. "There aren't many Fangirls on the ground level, so Team…uh three, will stay here, cos you're the smallest."

Nods.

"Ok…Level two will be the most populated, right Amelia?"

Amelia nodded, not bothering to launch into a whole talk about it. Very OOC of her.

"Team four will be on level two then."

"We're called the Knights of Ni, now." Someone said.

"Thanks, Tim. Ok, the Knights of Ni will be on the second level. And Team One-"

"We're called Team Dicktation now." One of the boys said. (2)

"Jeez…" I said as the kids all laughed. "Dicktation-" laughter-"will be on the third floor. And Team Two, level four. What's your name?"

"Kool-Aid Men."

I didn't get the joke, but the Americans chuckled.

"Yeah, you're on four, and the Snipers will be in the attic. Good windows up there."

Amelia stood up a little straighter. "I'll stay with the Knights of Ni. Hannah, you go up with the Snipers."

"Ok. Let's go."

A new song came on, by an Aussie band. I couldn't help but relax at the guys accent.

'_Wait while jealousy tears you apart_

_I'm sorry but I cannot help the way you are_

_That we do the things you can't-'_

We made our way up the back stairs, losing people at every doorway.

Finally, the remaining people (i.e. me, and four Snipers) made it to the attic.

The only words that one could use to describe the attic would be…Moderately surprising. I don't know what I was expecting, but it was kind of a letdown. Giant windows and sort of clearway along the west side, but the rest of the stuff in there was simply…a normal attic. Old junk.

Matt tipped a backpack out along by a window and started to set up his rifle.

_Just wait, can't you see you're being weak?_

_It's shallow and dark you know every time you speak_

_You're just lying through your teeth_

The other Snipers, Rachel, Joey and Chris copied Matt, choosing windows a few meters away from each other.

I started to wander around the junk. It was piled in messy stacks. I saw a ton of stuff you wouldn't expect to be in Artemis Fowls attic, pogo sticks, ukuleles, high heels, Baby-Sitters Club books.

I crossed to the stack with the books and began to skim through them. (3)

Something creaked.

I dropped Kristy's Great Idea and span, pulling out my gun. It wasn't the Snipers, they were by the window, discussing….pie? (4)

I shrugged off the creak, and turned back, selecting Dawns Wicked Stepsister. As I rolled my eyes at the 'Introducing the BSC chapter,' I caught a glimpse of a shadow to my left.

I drew my gun again and tiptoed over to where I'd seen the shadow, by an old Christmas Tree. My foot nudged an old shoebox.

I blew the dust off, whipped the lid open and nearly went _**FWL!! **_(5)

Baby pictures!

Wriggling with delight, I sat on an old PC monitor and began to sift through the photos.

Something creaked. Again.

I glanced up, looked around and went back to the photos.

Artemis in one of those humidity cribs, Artemis at like, one, reading a book, Artemis in the bath at two, reaching for a laptop. I shoved these into my left shoe pocket. (6)

Another creak. I tucked another Arty pic – at three, he was reading some massive novel a Slayer wouldn't read until they were twelve, and a regular (Australian) student until Year Nine.

This time, I shut the box, left it on the saxaphone that was opposite me and really began to look for the source of the creak. I mean, sure, it was an old attic in an old house…with Fangirls and Sues in it.

There was another creak, a few metres to my right.

I narrowly skirted a drum kit (7) and did a sort of shuffle and mini pirouette combo, so I spun behind another stack, this one predominantly of hardware, cassettes, CDs, Floppy Discs, USBs, RAM boosters, ABC sticks, DEF flash memory card, GHI external memory storers, DVDs, MP3 players, records, videos and hard drives.

It was a big pile.

I don't know what made me turn back from investigating one of the salvageable MP3 players, to see the Fangirl. Was it instinct? Was it psychic powers? Was it the fact that the Fangirl's dive for me had fallen short and carried her into the drumkit? (8)

I don't know.

With an almighty crash, the Fangirl landed on top of the cymbals, rolled into the bass drum and landed on the snare. Winded, she staggered off the drum and Sparrowed into a small pile of chinaware.

Loudly.

I clicked the safety off my gun and pointed it at her. She rolled out of the china shards and staggered to her feet, leaning on a chest of drawers.

"Don't move." I said, as much to her as to the Slayers.

The Fangirl shook one last bit of plate from her long hair and put her hands up.

I racked my brain, searching for the appropriate thing to say in the Fangirl dialect.

"Lyk, tottaly fawseome 2 c joo! U have 2, lyk, come wiv me cos u, lyk, being a biyotch!"

The Fangirl sighed and slumped her shoulders.

"Watevs ur such a…lyk, OMG, BABBEEE PIXS! I so MYSPACE!!"

I raised an eyebrow – have Fangirls, like, _ever _heard of grammar? Then I remembered I was holding a gun.

I shot her in the thigh, where there were lots of lovely big arteries and veins. Down she went, almost into the china again, but I caught her.

"Oi!" I called to the Slayers. "Coming through."

Lucky she was a little Fangirl, a skinny blondie with a massive mop head. I dragged her through the stacks and laid her down. Rachel brought over my bag. I holstered my gun, rummaged through my bag and brought up a syringe and a vial of black stuff.

The Snipers had all gathered.

"What's that?" asked Joey.

"These are tracker beads, like in the Supernaturalist." I told him. "We use it to trace Squees."

I leant over to the girls neck and placed the needle carefully above where it had to go in.

The attic door opened with a slight creak. Artemis was standing there in a plain black suit, looking at us like, 'Oh? You're still here? I thought you were gone.' Not like I thought he would. You know.

"HOLY CRAP!"

Artemis nodded at all of us.

"Hannah." He said. "You haven't introduced us."

"Busy." I told him, sticking the needle (9) into the poor girls neck.

"Sup?" asked Matt. "I shot you, remember?"

Artemis smiled at him like he was a child. "Vaguely."

Artemis stepped delicately into the attic and joined our little circle as I took the Fangirls pulse and temperature.

Finally, I stood, made a clicking noise at Artemis (10) and gestured at the Fangirl, who began to snore.

"Neutralized Fangirl, Canon, Canon, Neutralized Fangirl."

Artemis sighed.

I was kind of disappointed with his lack of reaction. We looked pretty sweet. I had my gun on one hip and my knife on my right shoes, the Snipers had ammo, and of course, their little Patrick figurines.

Thinking about my attire made me remember my Fangirl-proof wrist guards. They were made of thick plastic, and had been implemented after Amelia's wrist had been used as a chew toy. It took a Fangirl about seven vital seconds to bite through them.

"May I ask a small question?"

I nodded at Artemis. "Shoot."

"What in the world are you doing up here?"

We all glanced at each other. Someone had to give him a straight answer.

"I'll handle this!" I declared, swinging my arm around Artemis's shoulders. He flinched.

I looked at him like he was a small child.

"Lets walk and talk."

We exited the attic. I began to sing along to the new song.

_This ain't a song for the broken-hearted _

_No silent prayer for the faith-departed_

I was sure I heard Rachel say, 'She has had her medication today, right?'

Interesting fact. I hadn't. I really needed to fill that prescription…

I steered Artemis down the stairs. I was planning on…well, I wasn't sure. I'd probably hook him up with Team Dicktation.

"I'll assume you know how we got back in?" I asked Artemis.

He opened his mouth, a smug look on his face, one eyebrow raised a fraction of a nanometer.

He froze, however, when we passed his study. The emo Fangirl from chapter…what was it, chapter 4? Or was it five?

Anyway, the Fangirl was curled in a ball on the floor next to the study door, sobbing and streaking her eyeliner something terrible.

Artemis gasped.

The Fangirl-

Record scratch noise.

Artemis gasped.

Artemis gasped.

Artemis had gasped.

Artemis had _gasped_.

Artemis had shown that he was…SHOCKED!

HE HAD GASPED!

Back to story.

Artemis gasped.

The Fangirl looked up, her face black with Revlon eyeliner and Maybelline Mascara.

"SO beautiful." She whispered, gazing at Artemis. "So dark."

"Is she dangerous?" Artemis whispered.

I glanced at her fingernails. Stubby.

"Nah. Want me to shoot her?"

"No!"

"I really should."

"No."

"Emo Fangirls are rare…endangered!"

"Don't shoot that poor girl. She clearly needs counselling."

I sighed, stepped over the Emo (who was staring at the ceiling, sobbing, 'So DARK!') and pushed Artemis into his study.

I shut the door as Artemis sat in his big leather throne chair.

"It's just a Fangirl." I said. "They won't hurt you. They'll hurt me, of course. But you…dude, they worship you."

Artemis looked a little…smug, and smiled. He was a teenager, after all.

"And not for your Nobel Prize, either."

His smile faded.

I threw myself into his couch.

"They loooooves you. They want to have your babies."

"Really."

"Really, really. Little baby genii called Aphrodite and-"

"Why do you do it?"

"Do what? Aphrodites a common name in the Fandom." Not really. It's aaaaaaaaaall about Apollo at the moment.

"Why do you hunt these Fangirls, slay these Sues? Butler can handle them."

"Butler can handle a group of invisible, hormonal teenagers? I doubt it."

"I'm sure-"

"We're teenagers, the Sues and Fangirls are teenagers. We know how they work. How much did the girls tell you about us, this morning?"

"They gave me a basic outline. There are four main classes, Headquarters in every major country, but usually the more Cultured city, not necessarily the Capital."

"And about the lemons?"

I was sure I saw Artemis shudder. "Yes, they told me about the lemons. But, why do you slay Sues…how? How do they recruit you?"

I looked at the ceiling-nice roof!

"Well." I said. "There are different recruitment schemes in each country. The Australians have scouts at twenty different schools across Australia, usually an ex-Slayer who's become a teacher. They pick the schools very carefully, ones that focus on either athletics or English and literature. Usually English."

Artemis grabbed a small black box and pressed a button.

"Go on."

"Yeah, so if the teacher sees a kid with promise, someone who's good at sport, likes reading and writing, computers. Usually the kids are Grade one or two, about six or seven."

Artemis nodded.

"About fifty kids are selected, and letters go to their houses, about a special English tutoring group. They send books like Percy Jackson but a little simpler, a couple of mangas, usually a Naruto, and a seriously babyish picture book to the kids houses. Then, after a few months, the Slayers send out a questionnaire, with questions like How did your child enjoy this book, do they seem to relate to the characters, do they prefer the manga, the novel or the picture book.

If the kid picks the picture book, which about twenty do, they're cut."

"Isn't that a little harsh?" Artemis asked me.

"Shut up, I'm info-dumping. So then, the Slayers send the manga preferrers some manga fanfiction, a few with Sues, and the book likers some book fanfics with Sues. The kids that can say they don't like the Sue fics stay, and

that's about twenty."

I paused and started to wish for a glass of water. (11)

"And then?" Artemis prompted.

"They send a letter saying to come to a picnic, where they have races and stuff against each other, the slowest five are cut, and the remaining fifteen families are told about the Slayers."

"How old were you when you were picked?"

I frowned. "I was chosen along with Elliot. She was a Prep, about five and a half. I was a Grade One, and I was six."

"That's a very young age. Have they thought about the psychological damage it could do, taking a six year old from their home-"

I sighed and shrugged.

"They don't take us right away and we can see our parents whenever we want. Didn't do me any harm."

Artemis laughed.

**(1) Complete with detachable sideburns!**

**(2) Team One was made up predominately of Australians. I should've expected their new name. Don't ask…Ecstasy, ecstasy, e-e-e-e-ecstasy.**

**(3) We were beginning to police the BSC fandom. Don't ask me why.**

**(4) I HAD to stop watching Scrubs.**

**(5) Fangirl without leave. All computers have some program in them that makes the writing go bold, italic and underlined. It's a mark of the Fangirls.**

**(6) For…um…evidence.**

**(7) What the Hell was a drumkit doing in Artemis Fowls attic??**

**(8) Interesting fact for all you trainee Fangirologists out there; when angry, Fangirls can jump up to two metres in the air, jump onto surfaces a metre off the ground and from a slight angle, make it about four metres. **

**(9) Yeah, ew, ew, EW!**

**(10) An appropriate greeting in some countries.**

**(11) Soooo thirsty…**

**So? Thoughts? I've just spent the entire day at home with a cold, and my brain is smashing itself on the inside of my skull, screaming at me to LEARN SOMETHING!!**

**I hope you all check out my new fic, Reasons. It's a Max Ride one, but spoilers for books 2 and 3, so some Academicians out there shouldn't read it.**

**I am so weird sometimes.**

**Yeah.**

**I feel a little out of practise writing this. Why?**

**I wrote out a plan of the remaining chapters. There's probably about four chapters left, including this one.**

**So!**

**Sorry for the long wait again.**

**Thanks… **

**Uh…**

**REVIEW!!**

**Lotsa Love,**

**Nicola.**

**Next chapter up: ?**

**Word count: 2855 words**


	18. Mary Sue? I Shoot You

It wasn't actually that simple

**Thanks for being patient with me, everybody. I hope this is worth waiting for…**

**DISCLAIMER: I may be fabulous, but I'm not Eoin Colfer.**

**The Sue Slayers**

**Chapter 17**

**Mary Sue? I Shoot You.**

'_Excerpt from Tasmania In Slaying, page 54_

_Tasmania never has and never will do anything of value towards slaying. Nothing. Nada. Zip.' _

You know when you're incredibly comfortable and warm, reading a really good book and listening to great music, and someone interrupts you? You know how much that sucks?

Yeah.

In my case, I was lying on the couch in Artemis Fowls study, practically eating up book three of the Supernaturalist series with Small Mercies alterna-emo-punk-rock-popping away in my ear. It was the most relaxed I'd been in like, AGES!

One of three minor interruptions was Artemis, typing away on his computer like Hannibal Lecter (1). Every ten minutes or so, he'd ask me a question and I'd brush him off with a two word answer. (2)

The second interruption came just after Artemis asked me his seventh question, 'What methods of protection do you use against Fangirls?'

It was a small, insignificant interruption, of course.

Ever noticed you can't type sarcasm?

A Fangirl, absolutely covered in dust, lego and what I hoped to Carlisle was mud fell through the ceiling, narrowly missing Artemis's oversized head and crushing his computer instead. She flopped against the wall, groaning.

I just had to take a moment to absorb this new bit of information, when the third interruption came.

Amelia jumped through the hole in the ex-ceiling, landed on and crushed Artemis's keyboard (3), kicked the Fangirl in the stomach, using a Karate move she learnt, and shot her in the leg.

"Good shot," I said, going back to the Supernaturalist.

Amelia pulled some plastic ties out of her pocket and tied the Fangirl to Artemis desk.

"I know." She said, glancing at my book. "I'm reading that after you."

"Artemis-" I glanced at the genii, who was at the moment sitting in the corner, frowning at his computer.

He looked at us.

"Artemis, Amelia, Amelia, Artemis. Amelia's my…teacher?"

"Mentor." Corrected Amelia. "Captain of the Western Australia, Northern Territory, Queensland, New South Wales, Victoria and South Australia-New Zealand Fangirology division."

Well, it was actually the Australian-New Zealand Fangirology Alliance, but whatever.

Artemis stood up, brushing an invisible speck off his sleeve. "Isn't Tasmania part of-"

"It'll be a cold day in hell before anyone cares about Tasmania."

Amelia nodded. "Unless they get a footy team."

"Or invent something we can eat."

"Yeah."

I marked my place in the Supernaturalist and stretched.

"Ready to go?" Amelia asked.

"Mmm-hmmm." I said, then glanced at Artemis.

"OMG7& wat du jooo fink lol we shuld do bowt Arty??" I asked, meaning, _What should we do with Artemis?_

Amelia frowned. "leaf him will mak like a nana, den get sum Canonist 2 eye-g2g, patrol, nirby.kick dare asis." she replied in perfect Fangirlese, meaning, _We'll leave him here. We have to go. I have a Canonist lined up to look out for him, and there's a Patrol nearby. We'll tackle them._

I nodded. "Ditto. Hasta lavista lol." We switched to Australian…(4)

"It was nice to meet you Artemis." Not really. "Can I borrow this?" I held up the Supernaturalist.

He nodded. (5)

"We'll see you round." Said Amelia, jumping onto the desk again and peering up through her entrance. "Hey, Darcy get a rope."

A few seconds later, a rope was dangling through the hole and Amelia climbed up. I smiled at Artemis, tossed the book through the hole and climbed up too.

We emerged in the closet that was about five doors down from level three of the library. Amelia stepped over the door (6) that was lying across the hallway and started up the stairs to the attic. I followed her, noting the several posters plastered over and around the door. Yellowcard, Papa Roach, pictures of canons in their proper pairings and of course, Eoin Colfer pointing a gun at the camera, with the slogan **'Mary Sue? I Shoot You.'** (7)

I cracked up and followed Amelia through the door.

There are probably seven hundred active Slayers around the world, with one hundred and fifty in America, one hundred in Australia, another hundred in England, and the rest in non-English speaking countries, especially Japan for anime and manga.

I had a feeling 99 percent of the Slayers in Artemis Fowls attic weren't bookers-they were mangaheads, square eyes and popcorns.

Don't ask.

Anyway, there were about thirty kids with their sleeping bags in a rough circle with an iPod playing Wolfmother. Everyone was talking, reading, writing or drawing.

"Completely Sue proof." Announced Amelia.

"Sweet."

Amelia made her way over to a massive pile of weaponry, selected four semi-auto Tranquilizer guns.

"Right, shut up you lot!" she yelled.

Everyone looked up from their books, sketchpads and note pads.

"Will all the senior (8) members of the Australian-New Zealand Fangirologist Alliance please come with me, we have a Patrol alert."

A Grand Total of eleven people, eight girls and three boys, stood up. I knew most of them pretty well. They weren't exactly the best Fangirologists in the world, (9) but when you can quote Charlie the Unicorn word for word, you're ok with me.

"Awesome. Come on, we're going to the library."

She turned and walked with them towards the door.

I scooted by them and made my way towards a quieter area of the attic, hoping to find a quiet area and finish the Supernaturalist.

"Hannah! Where are you going?" Amelia called. "You're coming too!"

Well, yay.

……

We made it back to the attic an hour and a half later, covered in mud, blood and nail polish. (10) Ten Slayers were gone when we got back.

Amelia found me a sleeping bag and took me into a corner of the attic.

"Hannah." She said, her eyes serious. "Do you know what day it is?"

I thought for a minute. Strange. I had no idea. I'd only been at Fowl Manor for about a week, but it felt like I'd been here since January.

"I dunno."

"Me neither. Anyway. Do you know what's happening tomorrow?"

"No." I scoffed. Cool word, scoffed…

"Well, you've noticed the High Fangirl activity and Mary Sue concentration around here, right? Well, there's more. Remember how I said 192 Fangirls and Sues were coming?"

"Unfortunately, yes. How many more now?" I asked.

You've been reading all those new 'Artemis falls for a student/random girl/the twins babysitter/the twins nanny/his maid/a girl he's tutoring/someone from the wrong side of the tracks/his secretary/his dads friends daughter/his mums friends daughter-" (11)

"Yeah." I said, cutting her off before she could start ranting.

"All of them."

"Yeah." I nodded.

"Times ten."

"Frick."

"And _two hundred and ninety two_ Fangirls. We miscounted." Amelia shrugged.

"Double frick."

"With fifty-odd rabids."

"Frick on a stick."

"Will be attacking Fowl Manor…"

Oooh, can you just hear the drumroll?

"Tomorrow morning. At dawn."

"Oh, shitake mushrooms." I said.

"I concur."

**(1) A non-eating-people Hannibal, of course.**

**(2) eg, Artemis: who formed the Slayers?**

**Me: Ya mum**

**Artemis: Of course…**

**(3) They just don't make 'em like they used to.**

**(4) I mean English…**

**(5) I still would've taken it if he'd said no.**

**(6) The Fangirl had knocked it down. Destructive little buggers, those Fangirls are.**

**(7) Carlisle bless Photoshop.**

**(8) By senior, she meant non-apprentice.**

**(9) America's Fangirologists rock.**

**(10) Just…don't…ask.**

**(11) She literally said slash, as in a student slash random girl.**

**So? Thoughts?**

**I've got to go tackle some homework! See ya!**

**REVIEW!! Please…**

**Lotsa Love,**

**Nicola.**

**Next Chapter up: Soon…..**

**Word count: 1280…Woah, that's low.**


	19. Sponge Cake Analogy

Well, after that bombshell blew up, taking the majority of my eyebrows with it, Amelia and I went back to join the Slayer Slee

**I just saw Speed Racer…but I'm procrastinating. This is not my best work. It's the chapter that moves over 250 characters in a circular motion, while simultaneously singing alterna-emo-punk-rock-pop songs. **

**But Speed Racer blew me away. More about that later.**

**DISCLAIMER: Here he comes, here comes Speed Racer…I mean, not Colfer. Me Eppy.**

**The Sue Slayers**

**Chapter…18**

**Sponge Cake Analogy**

'_Excerpt from the Random Book of Bok Choi, by Eps, Epponee Rae and Jonah, page 23_

'_Stacy's mom has got it goin' on…who the fuguggle is Stacy's mom? Who's Stacy?_

_What's it? Eh, to tell the truth, I'm a little worried about the guy who's singing.'_

I hate teenagers.

Really, really despise them.

We all do.

There obnoshious, kant rite or spell and hav no idea what a Australian-Strain Level 14 Fangirl with canons in 2-3-80, 3-2-16 and 2-3-35 is. Ok, most non-Fangirologists wouldn't know what that is, but whatever. (1)

So, we were all pretty pissed off when a Slayer, my friend Christy, to be precise, pulled out her laptop and found a backlog of Sue-fics, Sue-rants, Grammar-rants and those incredibly irritating, 'Random Canons in a chatroom!' fics.

"I don't believe this!" cried someone, peering over Christy's shoulder. "Seventeen Level Tens in the Fullmetal Alchemist!"

"Well, I've got four level elevens in Avatar! Hello, since when is electricity even in that verse?"

"Five level nines in Harry, _Seventy four_ level-"

"You're not gonna believe this, twenty nine new rants in Section 2!"

"TwilaBeautifulPsycoTopazCullen just updated!"

We all groaned.

See why we hate teenagers? Honestly, we stop policing the fandoms for, what, two days?

"Turn that thing off!" said Amelia, slamming the laptop shut. "We have to go over the plans one more time. Then we better get some sleep."

I was sitting behind one of the stacks with Clare. She was reading the Supernaturalist Three and I was writing a new chapter for my fic.

"C'mon." she said, tearing herself from the tale of Cosmo, Mona, Ditto and Chihn. (2)

We all spread ourselves out on sleeping bags as Amelia and Matt spread out the maps and plans of Fowl Manor we'd…borrowed. (3)

"Who's staying in the attic tomorrow?" Matt asked.

Half the Fangirologists, the Snipers, five Slayers and all three Canonists put up their hands. I wouldn't be staying-I had to stick with Amelia.

"Right. Now, after the end of the first song, the Fangirls should slip into a panic and lose their formation." Amelia had slipped into 'Captain of Fangirology' mode. "That is when those who are staying, Team A, will sweep the house. Remember, check. The. Cupboards. If you see any emo's, stay out of their way, they will not hurt you.

Team 1, we will be leaving at 6: 15 am tomorrow. Boots on, guns primed, shoot to knockout or explode. Earpieces in at all times, including tonight."

Matt took over. "Amelia talked to y'all about Fangirl formations in battle, and we all know that Sues have their own…styles….so, there's nothing we can do except shoot at people."

"It depends on how loud the song is, but if it's a hundred and sixty decibels, the Fangirls will go crazier than anyone who goes for the Kangaroos."

All the Australians laughed-everyone else looked confused.

"We need to do some cultural integration when we get back." Someone commented.

"I agree."

"Yeah."

"We digress." Continued Amelia. "So, you've got ten minutes then it's lights out. Early morning tomorrow, and it's gonna be a long, long, ugly, Fangirl filled day."

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO**

**5:00 AM, the following morning.**

It felt like I'd just closed my eyes, when my earpiece seemed to explode in my ear.

"GOOD MORNING SUE SLAYERS!"

Everyone simultaneously groaned, swore or blindly looked for a non-existent alarm clock.

It was Happy Peppy Grace and Happy Peppy Marcus, obviously hopped up on Nescafé.

"I'm Grace and this is Marcus."

Yep, I was right.

"And we want everyone to get the hell up! Campers, there's free coffee, tea and milo under the old oak tree with the 'I shoot you' posters. People in the attic, you're screwed. You've got nothing. Over and out!"

I struggled out of my sleeping bag and yanked my horrible feeling, full of dirt and grease and Carlisle-knew-what hair into a ponytail, before putting on my boots.

Around me, everyone was doing the same.

For breakfast, we had two highly nutritious slices of bread with either Vegemite (the Americans hated it), Marmite (the Australians hated it) or peanut butter and jam/jelly (which the Americans loved.)

Yum. Vegemite.

We were all packed and ready to go six. We stood at the window, looking east. The sky was dark blue, tinged with grey. (4)

The anticipation hung thick in the air. Nerves lay in between the anticipation like the layers of a sponge…the nerves would be the cream, they always made me feel sick-

"Hannah, you're JD-ing." Amelia nudged me from my cakey thoughts. "Watch."

It was like we were at the Olympics, watching two sprinters within milimeters of each other slogging it out, nearing the finish line.

In slow motion.

The tension was the icing on the nerves and anticipation sponge cake.

Slowly, slowly the sky lightened until we could see the outlines of trees, the fountain, the stone wall, the hills.

The Snipers drew the dust covers off their guns, and we saw them.

Twenty Fangirls, just twenty, were standing along the fountain, facing the sun.

Idiots.

"They'll be the #3's," said Amelia.

"I know." I said.

There was a click over the speakers. Not our earpieces, but the speakers the Slayers had rigged up the night I was attacked in the shower. (5)

"Right, team 1, we're off." Amelia announced.

We drew our guns, locked and loaded and half-ran silently down the stairs, some of the more daring kids sliding down the banister. (6)

I'd just reached the landing when there were five pips in my earpiece. Five pips meant switch to your private frequency.

"Good morning, Hannah! It's Happy Peppy Grace!"

"Hey, what's up?" I asked, starting down the next flight of stairs.

"I need you to take a detour."

"Where?"

"Artemis."

For crying out loud.

"Why can't someone else do it?" I asked.

"Just go! Tell him what's going to happen today. Then you can go kick butt and shoot things, which is what all the readers want you to do."

"Did you just break the-"

"Enough with the fourth wall jokes. And block your ears, we're starting the songs…now."

A split second after she said, 'now', one hundred and ten decibels of I'm Not Ok (I Promise) by My Chemical Romance began blasting from outside.

I sighed, jogged back up a flight of stairs and took a hard left.

Artemis's room was two hallways left of the suit of armour that looked like the Black Knights, off Monty Python, and three doors down from the portrait of a Fowl who looked like a Cullen. (7)

I tapped on the dark wood of the door, holstered my gun and waited for Artemis to complain about the disturbance.

Nothing.

I knocked again.

Nothing.

I knocked again.

Nothing.

I knocked again.

Nothing.

I knocked again.

Nothing.

I knocked again.

Nothing.

I knocked again.

Nothing.

I knocked again.

Nothing.

I knocked again.

Nothing.

I knocked again.

Nothing.

I knocked again.

Nothing.

After some deductive reasoning, I realised something was up. Either Artemis was a seriously deep sleeper, he had an iPod in, or…

I grabbed my gun, wrenched open the door and burst inside, knocking over the Fangirl that had been blocking the door. I shot her in the neck and rammed into another coming to her aid. She fell against Artemis's bedside table, smashing everything on it to bits. (8)

Five Fangirls were holding Artemis down, though one could have sufficed. They were force feeding him milkshakes and marshmallows, and had stuffed him into a leather jacket and jeans. In other words, OOC-ing him.

"Right, bitches!" I yelled, as they all stared at my gun. "Hands off the canon or you'll all be eating stainless steel!"

No body moved.

"Jeez, I hate shooting people when they're standing still." I groaned, and shot the one clutching Artemis's right foot. She fell to the floor, her spindly limbs and wild brown hair waving.

"You're going down, Suethor." Said the largest Fangirl. She tossed a milkshake at me. I ducked and it splattered Raspberry Rumble everywhere.

"Missed me!" I cheered, and fired. The Fangirl ducked behind a table of Blue Heaven and Choconana.

I fired off three darts, hitting the lamp, the pillow and finally, the tanned Fangirl with the marshmallows. She went down like a ton of bricks.

I dispatched the next Fangirl with a kick I'd learnt from a Karate course, before sticking a dart in her back.

The next one came up behind me. I whirled and shot a few times before hitting her in the face with a dart.

The Fangirl who'd chucked a milkshake at me tossed a few more. I leapt onto the bed, wobbled – feathery mattress!, jumped over Artemis and onto the table.

"Cool." I said. The Fangirl popped up, milkshake in hand.

I kicked her in the face. Her lip split and her nose began to bleed.

"Head wounds bleed a lot, _Omega_." I quipped.

Suddenly, the Fangirl threw Blue Heaven in my face. It burnt my eyes, and I shot blindly in front of me, hearing the Fangirl hit the deck.

"Get me a towel, would'ja?" I asked, jumping off the table and wiping the stinging goo out of my eyes. I heard Artemis rummaging through the debris of his bedside table.

"Thanks." I said as he handed it to me. I wiped the stuff off my face.

"What are you doing here?" Artemis asked. He was standing at the foot of his bed, arms crossed.

"Saving yo ass, chicken man." I told him.

"I was perfectly fine." Artemis told me. "Butler was on the way."

"Butler's locked in the pantry." I said. "But seriously, I came here to tell you that some seriously big battle is going on, on your front lawn. Can't you hear the music?"

By now, the song had switched to Understatement, by New Found Glory.

"I-"

"But obviously, you knew what was happening. You were so in control of those girls, well…you had them exactly were you wanted them. Like marshmallows?"

"I despise marshmallows."

"I thought as much. Anyway, Grace told me to tell you that-"

Bang.

About a dozen Fangirls missed the door and smashed straight through the wall. I checked how many darts I had. Four.

Crap.

There was no time to reload. It was time for a crazy plan, worthy of Maximum Ride herself.

The Fangirls slowed down and stood in a half circle around us. I glanced behind me…the window was open.

Brilliant. We were on the second floor, ten metres up, with a hedge underneath and a tree nearby.

I bit my lip. I could jump that far, Artemis couldn't.

Thankfully, Fangirls can't walk and talk at the same time. I distracted them.

"_Waazip!hru?? im lyk, freekin kewli, AF iz lyk, lyk heirr!!"_

All of the Fangirls stopped and looked at me, grinned and began to chatter excitedly. Honestly, they had the attention spans of goldfish.

"Artemis," I whispered. "Grab…the…curtain. You're going out the window."

"No."

"Please, Artemis. These are vicious Fangirls. They probably have rabids. I know you think that you can take some marshmallows-"

"No, I have blinds. The other Fangirls ripped the curtains down."

"Oh." (9)

I quickly rearranged the details of my plan, whirled around, grabbed Artemis's wrist and pushed him out the window.

Interesting fact: No matter how scrawny a genius is, dangling them out a window is still hard.

After, like, five seconds, I dropped him into the garden below and shot my remaining darts at the larger Fangirls.

"OMGEE!" said one, eyes narrowing. "U SO DEEEEEEEEED!"

I physically leapt out of the window and into the lower branch of the tree, where I yanked a box of darts from my belt and fed them into my gun.

"Artemis?" I called down slightly. "Answer yes or no, with no genius talk. You hurt?"

"No."

"Sweet."

I clambered up the tree slightly, to check on the battle.

Pande-frickin-monium.

**(1) If you can figure out what that is, tell me, and you get a cookie. And some brownies. With kudos.**

**(2) Pretend you didn't see that…**

**(3) Ok, we'd nicked them. We steal anything that's not nailed down. In that case, we take the thing that the object is nailed to, as well.**

**(4) Honestly, even Irelands sunrises sucked. At least in Australia we had some colour.**

**(5) That sounded like something off Law and Order: SVU…I meant attacked with a Pantene Bottle.**

**(6) I had a feeling they'd forgotten about the large, ornate carvings on the ends. Ow.**

**(7) I called him….FULLEN!**

**(8) Almost everything. Thankfully, Artemis's Sex and the City novel stayed intact. Wait, what?**

**(9) Honestly, why do my plans always have fatal flaws?**

**So, that's the psychopath chapter where it all kicks off. **

**What'dja think? It was a long one, I'll admit.**

**Yeah. **

**SPEED RACER! W00T!**

**Yeah…..**

**Review!**

**Lotsa Love,**

**Nicola.**

**Next chapter up: No idea.**

**Word count: 2214. Awesome!**


	20. Like Freakin' JAWS

Ss19 have you noticed these random lines up here

Ss19 have you noticed these random lines up here?

**I FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY READ MAXIMUM RIDE FOUR, AND BECAUSE MY EXPECTATIONS WERE SO LOW, IT WAS ACTUALLY GOOD!**

**More about that later.**

**I'm not that proud of this chapter. It's all 'I shot this' and 'Fangirl did that.' My thesaurus has an astonishingly small list of alternatives for the words shot.**

**It's not fair.**

**DISCLAIMER: Insert witty disclaimer here.**

**The Sue Slayers**

**Chapter 19**

**Like Freakin' JAWS**

"HOLY FREAKING SUGAR HONEY ICE TEA!" I half yelled.

Fighting. Everywhere.

Two hundred Fangirls were engaged in hand to hand and gun to stick combat with one hundred and twenty Slayers. People were wrestling, martial-artying and breakdancing everywhere, on the wall, in the fountain, all over the lawn. They were fighting tooth and nail, cuticle and cavity, fang and foot.

Almost everyone I could see were out of darts (1) and were using moves that would be considered dirty in a Britney Spears music video.

You know, biting ankles (Fangirls), throwing rocks (Slayers), pulling hair (Both) and lots and lots of name calling on both sides.

I watched, struck dumber than a Furby (2), several Fangirls dove into the fountain, sloshing tons of water all over the place and making an awful muddy mess, which was immediately flung at people.

I leapt out of the tree, did an Ashitaka and fell over, before commando crawling through the leaves until I found Artemis meditating under a slightly crushed Magnolia.

As I narrated, a young apprentice Slayer from Canada came barrelling towards the tree - he was about eleven and like, albino with fear., pursued by two salivating Fangirls.

I fired two shots at them and down they went.

I gave Artemis a friendly shove deeper into the garden – best keep him hidden – "Don't move." I told him.

I crawled out from under the garden and grabbed the kids ankle, scaring the living Shishigami out of him.

"Don't worry. " I said, standing up. "I'm Hannah-?"

"Adam."

"Sweet. Adam, Artemis Fowl is in the Magnolias. I need you to-"

I ducked as a stray rock flew over my head and fired in the general direction of the thrower.

"Guard him for me."

"What? No way, I'm a Slayer."

"Rank pulling!" I announced with gusto. (3) "14, Six months till graduation, Fangirology."

Adam sighed. "Twelve. Two years. Slaying."

"See you, seven hundred and thirty days boy!" I said cheerfully, running off to battle. (4)

I was barely five metres away when I had to shoot my first Fangirl.

There were a lot of them.

A Fangirl sprung at me. I ducked and she soared over my head, like a Concord.

Flight of the Concords. I cracked up.

I ran to the fountain, where Team Australia and New Zealand's Fangirologists were fighting for their lives. Amelia was shooting up a storm on the rim of the fountain, knocking down a Fangirl every five seconds or so. Amelia's second in command, Tim, Tim's ex-protégé Alyssa and Kat, a Fangirologist of no great talent, were in the shallowest parts of the fountain, backed up against the statue in the middle. (5)

I ran past them. Amelia was always telling me to stay away from the water until _she_ said I was ready.

I soon found myself in mud up to my ankles, facing off three Fangirls in a line.

"You pushed…ARTY!" they screamed and stampeded.

I thought they looked familiar…

I shot the middle brunette before slinting (a mix of sprinting and slipping) as fast as I could to the left.

I whirled and pushed the next Fangirl over. Her companion tripped over her legs and I shot them both, turning them on their sides like we had to.

Another came rushing at me from the side. For a second I was transported back to when Jeb…uh, a Karate instructor came and taught us a few moves.

Unfortunately, it had been a while since I practised, so I hit the deck instead.

The Fangirl missed me, I spun over onto my side and hit her in the arm.

I wiped the mud out of my eyes and began to run towards a drier looking area. Ew, it was in my socks again…and down my shirt. Ick.

The song, which I hadn't been listening too until then, changed. Chelsea Dagger…not a good sign. It was the signal that more Fangirls had arrived.

I saw a soaking wet Fangirl sprinting after another Slayer. I couldn't tell who they were, but I had a feeling it was a Canonist.

I began to run after the Fangirl and was catching up when she suddenly leapt into a tree. Like, leapt two metres high and grabbed a branch. She began to climb.

I ran as fast as I could, grabbed at the lowest handhold and pulled myself up. The Fangirl was scrabbling up through the leaves, high above my head. I swore to myself and shot wildly upwards. On the eleventh or twelfth hit, something must've got her foot because she fell out of the branches, whacked into me and knocked me down a metre, where I fell on to another Fangirl (a skinny one, unfortunately. Why can't they be fatter?), shrieked and sort of bounce-jumped on the ground.

Where the first Fangirl landed on me.

I wheezed. This job seriously sucked sometimes.

I shoved the stupid girl off me, shot at the unconscious one I'd fallen on me. You know, just to be sure.

Over the music and the screaming and the swearing I heard possibly the loudest noise in my life. It sort of sounded like one hundred and fifty Fangirls blasting through a solid brick wall and stampeding into a bunch of exhausted Slayers.

Astoundingly enough, it was.

Someone began to yell in my earpiece.

"Fall BACK to the fountain, all Fangirologists fall back to the fountain, Slayers in front, Fall BACK to the fountain, all Fangirologists fall back to the fountain, Slayers in front, Fall BACK to the fountain, all Fangirologists fall back to the fountain, Slayers in front!"

Whoever it was saying that was the most annoying person in the universe at that moment.

They just kept repeating it. I hate it when people just keep repeating things, over and over and over and over and over.

Oops.

I saw all the Slayers begin to run backwards towards the fountain, still shooting and throwing stuff at the tide of Fangirls, a sea of pink and blue.

I twitched as I heard some footsteps behind me, and bolted for the fountain, shoving my way though, yelling, 'Fangirologist! I'm a Fangirologist!'

I made it to within about a metre of the fountain, reached up and someone grabbed my hand. I was pulled up on to the rim by Tim, who yelled in my ear, 'Glad to see you!'

That guy is sooo weird.

The song changed again, to a particularly potent Getaway Plan song, The New Year, and we all began to shoot at the Fangirls, knocking down at least seventy of the three hundred-odd.

The Fangirls kept running at us.

As one, the Slayers ran straight at the Fangirls. About fifty got through their line, and it was up to the Fangirologists to stop them.

It felt like everything went into slow motion. Five Fangirls sped up, two leaping at Tim with hands out like claws, and three diving for Amelia.

No Fangirls attacked me.

I felt kind of rejected.

Amelia swung her leg up and smashed one Fangirl in the face with her foot. Tim didn't have many martial arts skills, but he was a crack shot and he took down his Fangirls easily.

Suddenly, I heard a snarl and a Fangirl was sprinting towards me. At the last second, she swerved and dove into the fountain.

I let loose a wild shot, but missed by miles and hit a Canonist in the head (oops).

The Fangirl dove into the fountain.

Without thinking I jumped in too, took a deep breath and went under. The Fangirl was getting her bearings. Soon she would be uncatchable – I grabbed her ankles, stood with my head above the water and shot her.

"Get them out of the water!" Alyssa yelled, and someone grabbed my wrist.

"I'm fine!" I lied (I was freaking out a little), offering them the ankles. With a massive amount of pushing and pulling, we got her out of the water.

I began to swim towards the shallower centre of the fountain, my heart racing. Fangirls were under my feet, Fangirls could pull me under, Fangirls were like freakin' JAWS, I could drown…I could hear the Da-Dum…

It was weird. I seen the fountain a ton of times before, whilst cleaning. In the day, it shot streams of water high into the air and whenever Angeline had a party at night, blue lights on the bottom made it look like that lake that Excalibur comes from, whatever it was called.

Right now, it was tinged red with blood and dissolved Sue Serum capsu-

Something smashed down on my shoulders and pushed me under the water.

I can honestly say I had never been more terrified in my life.

I lost my grip on my gun and the Fangirl pushed me towards the bottom as I thrashed wildly in the water. One of my flails turned me over and I came face to face with a livid Tasmanian. (6) There was nothing but horrible silence, with the occasional splash. The Fangirl grinned, and I stupidly gasped and began to choke-

I was out of air and time. I was on the bottom now. The Fangirls face was right in front of mine, it was blurry.

Wow, what a sucky way to die.

Suddenly, I was cold, soaking, shivering and sucking in rich, wonderful oxygen and the Fangirl was floating, semi-concious in the water. There was noise and wind and I wasn't dead. (7)

"Holy MIYAZAKI, Hannah!" Amelia yelled in my ear. "I told you a million times, stay out of the water!"

I coughed and brought up water all over the rim of the fountain and all over my t-shirt. Didn't matter. I was already soaked.

"Fangirl." I choked, and Amelia whirled and shot the Fangirl behind her in the neck.

"Get away from the water." She shouted.

"You have to go?" I coughed. I was like, dead! One of the bad things about having a captain as a mentor.

"Go and help Artemis, some short kid told me that there are Fangirls near the Magnolias."

I tried to sit up and hacked water, spit and snot all over the place.

"I can't got babysit!"

"You nearly died! I'm ordering you as your captain to go help that dumb, stupid genius canon you love so much!" (8)

And she was off and running with the other Fangirologists, shepherding a huge group of Fangirls towards the muddier area where they had a chance.

I sat up and fell off the rim onto the ground, hacking up water.

"Mother eff." I muttered, standing, reaching into the fountain and dragging the Fangirl out so she hung over the edge. "I'm going to kill Eoin Colfer."

I stuck my hand in the water, grabbed my gun and began coughing again. This could take a while.

(1) So trigger happy. Honestly.

(2) I AM AWARE THAT THAT SENTENCE MADE NO SENSE

(3) I just love that word.

(4) HOWZAT for quick maths…365 x 2 is 730, right….

(5) It was of a Greek God kissing a dolphin…it rang a bell. Where was it from?

(6) How did I know it was a Tasmanian, you ask. Well…it was the evil red glint in her eye, the pale, pale skin, the I WAS AT BEACONSFIELD WHEN THEY GOT OUT t-shirt. Little clues.

(7) And as I am an important character, that would be bad.

(8) As in the books, not Artemis himself.

**If you don't get the BEACONSFIELD reference, look up Beaconsfield Mine Collapse on Wikipedia. It was, like, the only thing we talked about for those two weeks.**

**See? I'm not exactly happy with it.**

**Oh well.**

**It's only a week till holidays, so I'll have more time then! **

**Thanks for reading and reviewing!**

**Lotsa Love,**

**Nicola.**

**Word count: 2055**

**Next Chapter Up: Is next week good for you?**


	21. Buddha and His Giant Plasma TV

'Excerpt from ARTEMIS APOCALYPSE, page 17

**Mucho apologies that this is so late, but I came down with holiday-itis and could NOT stop watching Howls Moving Castle and Sailor Moon…really bad, undubbed Sailor Moon on YouTube. It's just as cute as I remember, and get this: I haven't watched it for seven years, but I still remember the theme song!!**

**The human brain is really cool.**

**Yeah.**

**Thanks for being patient, and I think this is the penultimate chapter, everyone!**

**So…**

**DISCLAIMER: I'm Eoin Colfer. Seriously.**

**Oh, wait. I'm not!**

**The Sue Slayers**

**Chapter…seriously, I can't remember.**

**Buddha and His Giant Plasma TV**

'_Excerpt from ARTEMIS APOCALYPSE, page 17_

_The Seven Sues of Artemis Fowl fanfiction are the Minerva Sue, the Arty's Daughter Sue, The Random Student/Everyday Gal Sue, the Hybrid Fairy Sue, the Maid/Babysitter Sue, the Parents Friend Sue and the relatively new, fellow Genii/Crim Sue._

_All are dangerous when in 'Stripped back form.'' _

Unfortunately, unlike most protagonists with owies, I didn't get a nice long rest to cough up water. No, about four point seven seconds after Amelia abandoned (1) me, a _Fan__**boy **_(rather rare) dove for the fountain and smacked me in the face with his foot.

So I was hacking up water and the blood that was now pouring out my nose was staining my shirt.

Oh happy day.

I rolled off the rim and crawled across the mud before struggling up. I had to walk.

There was no way in hell I was crawling over gravel.

I stoggured over to the shrubbery and began to look for 730-Days Boy, or whatever his name was. Oh, and Artemis. (2)

Finally, after parting the lavender, I found them. A-drian or whatever his name was- was sprawled out on his stomach under some azaleas and Artemis was meditating under the magnolias where I'd left him.

A-ndrew looked up.

"Finally!" he said. "Given up?"

"Yeah, you cab go." I spluttered. "Fiss off, kid."

"No, that's not very nice." Said the kid. He grabbed his gun, scrambled to his feet and ran off.

I stepped into the garden and leant against some rhododendrons, sighing.

Peace.

For about five bloody seconds.

I launched into a major coughing fit, bringing up about four litres of water with some of the blood mixed in and unfortunately (3) I disturbed Artemis from his meditation.

"What happened to you?" he asked, pulling a neatly folded tissue from his spotless jacket and handing it to me. I repressed the urge to throw dirt at him.

"Fanbirls are goob swibbers." I pinched the tissue over my nose. "And I felb in da fountain. 'S all your fault, boo. Too, I beam."

Artemis seemed to suppress a smirk. "How is it my fault?"

"Your fanbirls."

He seemed to consider my argument for all of three nanoseconds.

"If you tip your head back, the bleeding will stop."

"By neck hurts too buch."

"So you fell in to the fountain."

"Sord of. A Fanbirl pushed be under and I like, nearly died or whadever."

I recover from trauma quickly. I'm like, the Queen of trauma recovery.

"And hab you been having fun with the Slayer?"

I unpinched the tissue slightly. The bleeding had slowed a little, and I could talk without sounding like a complete imbecile. (4)

"It was a laugh riot." Said Artemis in a dry voice.

I pulled out my gun and checked it would still fire, before reloading.

Artemis handed me another tissue. I used it to wipe all the blood (5) off my face.

"Why on earth do you do this?"

"Huh?" I asked. There had been some pips in my ear and I was trying to hear what the person was saying.

Artemis sighed. "Why do you fight Fangirls and Mary Sues? I can't see a valid reason-"

"Shut yo face."

I tuned into the right frequency.

"Great work guys! There are only forty left! Now, team B report to the oak, while C takes the Squee. Dicktation, you sweep the house. A, you check the perimeter, and what-"

The transmission cut off.

"Weird." I said quietly, yanking out my ear piece. It tangled in my hair and I had to yank out a huge clump of it.

"Must be waterlogged. What were you prattling on about?" I asked sweetly.

Artemis looked up through the leaves for a moment, then looked back at me.

"Why do you fight Fangirls and Mary Sues-"

"And Bad OCs and clichés."

"And Bad OCs and clichés?"

"Oh, and shippers….and flamers. Shippers are really hard to-"

"Yes, but why? Why do you fight them? They aren't truly hurting anybody."

The world stopped spinning, the sky fell down and hit me in the head, God threw a temper tantrum and Buddha decided he wanted a giant plasma TV…all for himself!!

No one had ever asked me that.

Groundbreaking, Buddha buying moment.

"Uh…." I said. "You bresent a bighty fine argument there, Arty-boy. Um-"

I really, really needed to get out of there.

Why couldn't I come up with something? I was a FAN _**FICTION **_writer for crying out loud. I was meant to lie!

Suddenly, I realised the music had stopped too.

"That's not right." I whispered. Artemis tilted his head three degrees to the right.

I stood suddenly, dropping the tissues.

Nobody was moving.

Every Slayer, every Fangirl, every Canonist, every Fangirologist, every ant, every living organism was standing stock-still, staring at the gates.

Seven beautiful women stood at them in a perfectly straight line.

As one, the Slayers all loaded with a click and pointed their guns at the Mary Sues.

Artemis made the biggest mistake of his life just then…well, would've.

He stood up, but even before he got past the hydrangeas, I tackled him and pinned him to the ground, sticking my elbow in his appendix.

"Do not move." I whispered. "Those are Mary Sues…if they hear you…mate, you're a goner." I said that last bit in a terrible Aussie accent.

I heard gunfire-but no explosions.

I got off Artemis (6) and looked over to the gates, jogging forward and hiding behind a handy bush.

The middle Sue, the one with long, curly, golden, shining, insert adjective of your choice here hair was holding out some kind of lightsaber handle, which was projecting a translucent blue shield.

The Minerva Sue. The thing MINAS members hated, the Canon turned Sue by jealous Fangirls and Suethors.

Now, as you may have read in the ARTEMIS APOCALYPSE excerpt, there are seven Mary Sues in the Artemis Fowl fandom. They are the core basics of each Sue. For example, they have the most common looks chosen by the Suethor for their characters.

The Minerva, or Canon-Sue is always blonde with curly hair and is a genii. The Arty's daughter Sue has raven black hair and is either a genii or incredibly talented at almost everything.

The Minerva Sue, who was on the left of the Daughter Sue, stepped forward.

In a deep sensual voice, she announced;

"We haf comme, to tayk Artumies. Brung him to us.now."

The Hybrid Fairy Sue on the end, with violet eyes and dark lilac (7) hair held up a big gun. So big, it would make the Terminator put his hands up and go, 'I submit. You may terminate.'

The Random Student/Everyday Gal Sue was on the other end. She had deep auburn hair and a naughty schoolgirl uniform on. You know, mini pleated skirt, tied up top, pigtails and fishnets. She was chewing gum and holding a large, large knife.

Of course, the Babysitter/Maid Sue was the exact opposite of her, the epitome of randomne-I mean, the epitome of averageness. Brown hair, brown eyes, plain clothes…on a models figure. She'd end up being pretty under her glasses, and have a wit and intelligence rival to Einstein's. If Einstein was witty…uh, a wit on par with some great witty author.

Then we had the 'Hitlers Dream' or Parents Friend Sue. We called them Hitlers Dream, because they were always Aryan, with blonde hair and blue eyes. She was standing slightly behind the Crim Sue.

Ah, the Crim Sue. My second most hated Canon-Enemy, straight after Level 23 US-Strain 2-67-976 Fangirls.

I would've gone into more detail, but I wanted to get back to narrating.

"Vair's ARTY?" asked the Babysitter/Maid Sue.

"Yeah, like, where's Artemis?" the Schoolgirl Sue blew a gum bubble.

"HE'S NOT HERE!" All the Slayers yelled.

"You lie!" cried the PF Sue.

"We don't!" yelled the Slayers. God, they really had this Sue-fighting thing down.

Please note my sarcasm.

"You lie!"

"We don't!"

"You lie!"

"We don't!"

"You lie!"

"We don't!"

"You lie!"

"We don't!"

"You lie!"

"We don't!"

"You lie!"

"We don't!"

Everybody began to yell. I heard names that can't be repeated, insults that burnt my ears, and somebody yelled, 'For Carlisles sake, move the chapter along! Where's the main character?!'

Sometimes I hate being a protagonist.

I ducked down again and stuck my hand in my shoe pocket, scrabbling around for it, where was it…where….yes! I tucked the small bottle into my waistband and covered it with my t-shirt, before standing again.

I marched across the battlefield, through the yelling Slayers and the Fangirologists, who weren't really paying attention. (8)

And the Canonists were gone, searching Fowl Manor for Artemis, so they could get him to safety.

I passed the fountain. Amelia, who was standing on one leg with her right hand on a yellow dot grinned at me.

I looked at the Sues. They looked like a set of Bratz dolls. Vicious, vicious Bratz dolls.

As I walked slowly though the field, I found myself pondering Artemis' question.

Why did we do this? Why did we risk our lives to save fictional characters from bad dreams and things that went bump in the night?

Now that I thought about it….

I didn't know.

I remembered walking through libraries as a toddler, touching all the books and wondering what they were about.

We had photos of me as a baby with baby books with bright pictures all around me.

At primary school I had three friends. I can't remember two of them, but the other was Elliot.

All we did was read. The characters were our real friends. Harry, the Baby Sitters Club, Superfudge, Morris Gleitzman, Paul Jennings, Enid Blyton.

The worlds we could escape to. Each book, each chapter, each word was a gateway to a different place where I could be ten metres tall, be the most beautiful girl in the world or a princess.

They were magic. The characters were real. I knew they were – I'd met Artemis. I'd seen flying bird kids. I'd been to the Cullens house. (9)

They were my friends, in a slightly stalkery way.

I shook those deep, ten fathom thoughts out of my head. Ten metres to the Sues.

It was weird. I remembered those books better than the rest of my childhood.

I was in front of the Minerva Sue-or as close as I could get without touching the shield.

"Where's Artemiss" she asked.

"Not here." I shrugged.

Minerva-Sue bent down. "This is hisss Canonverse. Of courssse he'sss here." She hissed.

"He's in our imagination." I told her.

"He's real."

"He's fake."

"He's a person."

"He's a creation."

"You're a bitch."

"You're a one dimensional cliché!"

"You're a badly written OC!"

"Um…you…are from Tasmania!"

"That doesn't mean anything! (10) You're short!"

"You're a genius who can't even use proper grammar!"

"You have very bad hair."

"You love….John Howard!"

"Well, you love….Neil Diamond!"

"Well, you're going to marry…uh, Mr. G!"

"You listen to Paris Hilton."

Oh.

No.

She.

DIDN'T!

"Now that is just way, way too far." I whispered.

The Minerva Sue straightened up. "Oh yeh? Whatcha gonna do bout it?"

"PLOT DEVICE!" I yelled, grabbing the bottle and spraying her in the eyes with Chanel No5.

She dropped the lightsaber thingy and clawed at her face, shrieking.

The Slayers realised the shield had gone, and went crazy, shooting up a storm and the Sues exploded in big, bloody messes.

All over me.

"Oh, for Jeebus' sake!" I screamed, spitting out the Aryans blood and wiping bits of Crim Sue eyeball off my face.

The music instantly kicked in again. Gyroscope. Australia.

I really, really wanted to go home then.

"_In the early 80's when I washed up on the shore_

_I could breathe a little more than I would realise_

_You can call me crazy, _

_You can call me what you will_

_You could take the bitter pill, if it helps you sleep at night."_

Or, alternatively, a lamington would do.

The Slayers began to scrape up the remainder of the Sues.

I jumped as someone grabbed the one clean part of my t-shirt. It had been protected by…oh Carlisle. A massive, matted knot of my hair.

'_I can safely say we feel as safe as we like_

_Lest we forget those who die, I never will_

_Such a perfect Island, tucked away in the sea.'_

"Good job." Said Amelia, pulling me away. "If it was up to me, I would've used Pine-O-Cleen, but great improvising." (11)

I spat out a little more blood.

"You have no idea how great that makes me feel."

"I think I do."

Can't ANYONE tell when I'm being sarcastic?

Amelia clicked her tongue as we approached the fountain.

"Pack it up guys! We're going home."

'_The real land of the free, do you hear me?_

_Its a long way home my crooked friend,_

_But I do appreciate the time we spent_

_Its a long, long way back home.'_

I sat gingerly on the edge of the fountain, keeping one eye nervously on the water.

I wouldn't be swimming for a long, long time.

**(1) Yes Amelia, ABANDONED! All ALONE! **

**(2) Oh, I was going to hurt him. Stupid genius canon Irishman.**

**(3) Now imagine….sarcasm. **

**(4) Relatively speaking.**

**(5) And snot.**

**(6) NO, no, that came out the wrong way, you dirty, dirty minded people.**

**(7) Yes, you did read that right. Dark lilac.**

**(8) Who the hell brings Twister to a battle?**

**(9) Oh yeah…that had something to do with the lamingtons.**

**(10) HOW DARE SHE??**

**(11) That is how you spell Cleen, in advertising language anyway.**

そうか。思考か。、それあった第2 最後の章が覚えれば私は300 の検討に得ることを望む。それがとても涼しいので!

so? Gedanken? erinnern Sie sich, das war das zweite letzte Kapitel und ich möchte an 300 Zusammenfassungen gelangen. Weil das SO KÜHL sein würde!

Seriously, how would I get by without my little translator thingy? I loooove it!

Yeah, it says,

so? thoughts? remember, that was the second last chapter and I'd like to get to 300 reviews. Because that would be SO COOL!

Yes, Nicola, it would be cool.

Thanks for reading…

Lotsa love,

Nicola.

Next chapter up: I'm going away for a week, so nine or ten days? That good?

Word count: Including this little sentence I'm only putting in to bump up the count, 2350!!


	22. End It All, CHERUB style

In the famous words of Anti-Flag, this is, this is the end for you my friend

**In the famous words of Anti-Flag, 'this is, this is the end for you my friend.'**

**That is, HANNAH IS OUTTA HERE!**

**Well, not here, at the end of the chapter. **

**Interesting fact: I saw the Get Smart movie and it was good!! Yayness and joy!**

**The last chapter.**

**Just…**

**Yeah….**

**And just a forewarning:**

**I suck at writing endings. I suck at finishing stuff. You know, I said all this in Messages and Romance…which very few of you have read, I suspect…**

**But anyway. I'm good at finishing homework (I'M A DORK!), playing music, ending oneshots and essays.**

**But not something 30662 words long, which will be longer at the end of the chapter.**

**So. Here we go.**

**For the last time…**

**DISCLAIMER: ****01000110 01101111 01110010 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01101100 01100001 01110011 01110100 00100000 01110100 01101001 01101101 01100101 00100000 01101001 01101110 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01010011 01110101 01100101 00100000 01010011 01101100 01100001 01111001 01100101 01110010 01110011 00111010 00100000 01000001 00100000 01001110 01100101 01110111 00100000 01000110 01100001 01101110 01100111 01101001 01110010 01101111 01101100 01101111 01100111 01101001 01110011 01110100 00101110 00101110 00101110 00001101 00001010 01001001 00100111 01101101 00100000 01101110 01101111 01110100 00100000 01000101 01101111 01101001 01101110 00100000 01000011 01101111 01101100 01100110 01100101 01110010 00100001**

**The internet is so cool.**

**The Sue Slayers: A New Fangirologist**

**Chapter The Last (WAAAH!)**

**End It All – CHERUB style.**

'_Excerpt from Eoin Colfers Blog, post #56_

_I've been having a lot of difficulty writing lately…Lots of headaches, I even had a migraine on Wednesday.'_

"HANNAH! STOP CONTEMPLATING SUICIDE AND HELP WITH THESE FUGUGGLING FANGIRLS!" someone yelled in my ear.

"Nice to see you too, Clare." I turned around. Clare was standing behind me, blood on her hands, mud in her hair and sporting a massive black eye. (1)

She flung her arms around me, nearly bowling me into the water. "Student Sue got me with her 'Awsim Mashil Artz Shkills.'"

"Schade." I nodded.

"What are you two doing?" asked Amelia.

"It's called human interaction. Try it!" said Clare.

Amelia did her scary stare. Clare quailed.

"I'm gonna go….get Fangirls."

"Yeah, you should."

Clare bolted and Amelia motioned to me.

"C'mon." she said. "We have to go get Artemis and let Butler out."

"Ok….wait, what?"

We found Artemis in the lotus position (2), again, frowning as System Of A Down blared from the speakers.

"Monsieur Fowl! Wonderful to see you." Amelia said, in a voice similar to a flight attendants. (3)

Artemis opened his eyes and did his, 'I'm going to look at you like you have half a brain and consequently, an IQ in the negatives, though that is cognitively impossible though you could be a one of a kind case.' Look.

In other words, he raised an eyebrow.

Artemis stood – somehow he _still _had no dirt on him – and stepped out of the garden.

Amelia led us into the kitchen through the back door. The kitchen had been untouched by the Fangirls, as had the rest of the interior of the house. (4)

I made myself busy cleaning up the breakfast dishes (5) before I noticed that the table was across the room, jammed against the pantry door.

Alongside the fridge.

And a suit of armour. (6)

Amelia kicked the armour across the room and clicked her fingers at me. I jumped over the helmet and we pushed the fridge away from the door. I pulled the table across the room and straightened it.

Amelia pulled the key off the door, the sticky tape pulling off the varnish. Oops.

"Artemis." She said, handing him the key. "You better handle this bit."

"Yeah, we have trouble with locks." I cracked.

Amelia glanced at her watch and then glared at me.

"My young padawan-"

Ok, weird looks for her…

"Make sure it doesn't…._'f u git NE mure tengela mit dese ppl, u rrr so in tubs.'"_

I rolled my eyes. "'_im not gwing 2 mayk zat tipo gin.'"_

You should know enough Fangirlese to translate that.

Amelia saluted and nicked off.

I had my suspicions of what was in the pantry, and because I'm so adorably paranoid, I pushed over the table again and ducked behind it.

Artemis made to put the key in, but paused and knocked lightly on the door.

"Butler?"

"Artemis? Are you safe? Are there any….Fangirls?" (7)

"I'm fine, old friend."

Artemis unlocked and opened the pantry to reveal the worlds toughest bodyguard…lying on the floor, tied up with curtains, neckties, extension cords and shoelaces.

I jumped up from behind the table.

"I thought there would be violence!" I whined.

Artemis went to the kitchen drawers for a knife.

"Third down on the left!" I said, gesturing.

I put the table into its former position, chucking a tablecloth over the top to hide those _**unsightly**_ scuff marks.

And then I plugged the fridge back in. (8)

Artemis did the wussy job and freed his bodyguard, slicing through everything but the curtains and cords, of which he needed help with. He glanced at me, then back at the ties.

"Do you want some help?" I asked, like he was a three year old with shoelace tying difficulties.

His face twisted slightly, and I strode across the kitchen, muttering, "Do I have to do everything?"

"How many Slayers did they need to take you down?" I asked, slicing through the cords with my Fangirl knife.

Butler glanced at Artemis and asked him something in Russian. Artemis nodded.

"Seventeen."

"Huh."

I kicked some of the slashed curtains out of my way and shoved my knife back in my shoe. I turned to Artemis, who was poking through the fridge in hopes of finding some caviar…or something.

"Mr. Fowl, I will not be in for work on Monday."

"Yes. Actually, you returning to work at all-"

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, dude. I'm quitting. Unfortunately, my parents have decided to return to Australia. I would be delighted if you informed your mother, upon her return from London, of this."

I stuck out my hand for him to shake. He looked at it like it had the plague. (9)

And in an Australian accent, I added, "Oh, and we'd appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone about this. Mate."

Artemis took my hand and shook it gingerly. I was beginning to consider the plague theory.

"I hope your mum feels better." I told him.

He opened his mouth.

"Oh, and can I just say, stepping on vines does not give you bad luck. Seriously. A smart guy like you should know that." (10)

Artemis looked a smidge confused. I grinned, channelling my inner Bartimaeus.

"And now, I'm off to help collect Fangirl bodies!" I said cheerfully. "Nice meeting you!"

"I wish I could say the same."

I paused on my way to the door – partially to deliver a comeback and also because my phone was like, seriously heating up and burning my leg. Guess it doesn't pay to get shoved underwater by a Fangirl.

I quickly got it out….oh, dear Carlisle. The screen was cracked and the stupid thing wouldn't turn on.

"Great…" I tossed it in the general direction of the bin. "Artemis, trust me on this. Next time we meet-"

His face took on an expression of unbridled horror.

"Will be during the Time Paradox. See you!"

I ran out of the door giggling.

Then I froze.

I'd forgotten to grab the Supernaturalist.

_**TRA LA LA LAAA PAGE BREAK! PAGE BREAK! TRA LA LA LALAAAAA!**_

_**Well**_ sorry, I mean, Well, two backbreaking hours of loading Fangirls into cages later, I got a portal home.

Where I promptly showered, made and devoured four bacon sandwiches and found that my iPod headphones were missing.

I took the correct course of action and immediately declared Total And Utter War on Clare.

Long story short – she stole all of my socks and I nabbed all of the lightbulbs in her room. Fun.

And that was the end of my….lets call it…an adventure….with the Fangirls of the Artemis Fowl Canonverse.

Case notes are difficult to write. Too much inflection and it becomes a strange, twisted Fanfic. Too little and it's a two sentence scrap of paper.

The most difficult thing is ending it. You've got a few ways to do it, and I chose to end it all…CHERUB style.

_**TRA LA LA LAAA PAGE BREAK! PAGE BREAK! TRA LA LA LALAAAAA!**_

Shortly after finishing her mission, HANNAH LYNCH was promoted to a Level Seven Fangirologist – before being suspended from all missions for three weeks for attacking CLARE MARTIN with a Supa Soaker. HANNAH is, at the moment, spending waaaay too much time watching CardCaptors.

GRACE RODGERS arrived in Australia safe and sound and immediately dove back into work. Four weeks later, her chair collapsed underneath her and she bruised her coxic bone. GRACE is currently hunting down whoever sabotaged her chair.

With a vengeance.

AMELIA HIYASHI didn't get her Scrubs or CardCaptor DVDs back for two months. Ten minutes after arriving back in Australia she was called for a meeting with the United Slayers of America's Fangirology Department, the topic of which is unknown.

AMELIA is, at the moment, stalking HANNAH in the hope of getting her DVDs back.

ELLIOT REEVE recovered from her bullet wound and returned to duty three weeks later. She was immediately put on desk duty by GRACE, for going TPFNGR (Totally Psycho For No Good Reason).

She then unscrewed GRACE'S chair so it would collapse when she sat on it.

**(1) Clare was my, in the Fangirl dialect, BFFL!!1!11 She was like a anime obsessed, short version of me.**

**In glasses.**

**(2) I was surprised his knees hadn't locked into the position. He spent so much time in it.**

**(3) You know, so irritating and cheerful you wanted to rip their lower right leg off and beat them round the head with it.**

**(4) I hoped.**

**(5) Technically, I was still his maid. I was astounded he hadn't fired me yet.**

**(6) So I'm not the most observant person in the world. Bite me. It's been a long, long fanfic.**

**(7) I had a feeling we might've scarred Butler for life.**

**(8) Too late for the poor ice cream. It was past that delicious half melted slop stage.**

**(9) It was just a bit of Sue blood. Honestly. **

**(10) That one chapter preview of the Time Paradox was the best thing to happen on the internet. No joke.**

**Okee-dokkee. To business first:**

**The sequel is well underway. Like, I've done most of the first chapter and all the research is finished. Yes, I do research for these stories. Weird, I know.**

**But here's the catch. **

**Have you all read Maximum Ride?**

**Well, sucks to be du if you haven't, because it's in the Maximum Ride Canonverse.**

**But me being the eighteen-points off genius wonderful person I am, I have devised an elegant solution.**

**Well, it came around accidentally, but whatever.**

**Well, basically, the main character, a Slayer, hasn't read Maximum Ride, but her partner has. So, her partner has to explain things quite a bit.**

**Yayness!**

**Well…**

**What do I say now? Waaah? Artemis Fowl and the Time Paradox is out (in like, ten hours) IN ENGLAND, but we don't get it here for about a week? Hello, just because I live with kangaroos doesn't mean I don't deserve a little Arty book. But the first chapter is online, that's where I got the info about the vines from.**

**And that is the absolute, final, totally finished, completed, concluded, executed, wrapped up, polished off, totally and completely DONE final chapter!**

**Synonyms!**

**Phew.**

**Any questions, ask them in a review. You really, really should review. It IS the last chapter, after all….**

**Lotsa love,**

**Nicola.**

**Word count: 1969….not many**

**Next chapter up: Did you see my synonyms?**


	23. A Trip Down Memory Lane part 1

_Well. Here we are again. This isn't a new chapter, but it's interesting – it's the oTiginal chapter of the Sue Slayers, the first one that was posted, before being taken down agin. I also found a few little things I tried doing before it was even posted. I used to suck at writing. I mean, even worse than I suck currently. Um, hope you enjoy. _

_Epitome of Randomness productions present:_

_A journey down memory lane,_

_A story of bad writing and plotless wonders._

_It's the Sue Slayers: Before They Were Vaguely Popular!_

_And now we journey into the past…_

**Before I say anything else, I want to say that I am taking this down in seven days, starting from today (January 16).**

**I'm putting this up because I have severe writers block and I can't get past this point, so it's up to you. Ideas?**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters whom you recognize in this fanfic. The ones you do, they're mine. Keep ya paws off.**

**I didn't go into much detail about the actual systems and little jobs that the Sue Slayers have in place. Basically….**

_Excerpt from the Sue Slayers Handbook, page 23:_

_The Researchers are the backbone of the Sue Slayers. Knowledge is power and the researchers provide that…._ _Fangirologists are the experts on Fangirls and their herds…Canonists are experts on many main characters…Sue Slayers are the most powerful and slay Mary Sues._

**Fowl Manor, Ireland**

**20:34 **

**January 29**

We all know what a Mary Sue is. If you don't, please refrain from reading any further until you find out.

So, we all know what one is. The Spawn of Satan, the Devils Workers. One of the two banes of my existence.

I mean, I didn't ask to be a Sue Slayer. It was my parents and the damned government.

I didn't ask to spend my life protecting the readers of the world.

I didn't ask to sit in an oak tree in the freezing cold with a pair of binoculars.

I just didn't.

Being a Sue Slayer sucks. It's the other bane of my existence.

At least I was protecting something worth protecting.

Artemis Fowl.

Hey, he might not be as gorgeous as Edward, but at least he wouldn't rip my throat out.

I sneezed for the third time that day and raised the binoculars again. The rain blurred everything, but I could just make out a pale figure sitting at a computer, typing.

He was safe.

I just couldn't see why I had to guard Artemis, of all people. I wasn't going to be an actual _Sue Slayer._

I was going to be a Fangirologist, or an expert on hunting and capturing Fangirls. It was the third toughest job in the Sue Slayers, after Canonists and Sue Slayers.

Canonists are experts on seven or more canon characters, and Sue Slayers actually capture and kill or rehabilitate Mary Sues.

"I'm in the business of misery, lets take it from the t-"

I grabbed my phone and flipped it open.

"Hello, Hannah Lynch speaking."

"What's happening, Han? It's Elliot."

"Hi Ell." I sneezed again. "It's raining, about eight degrees, Artemis is fine, can I please go home now?"

"Whoa, breathe. It can't be that bad."

"Oh yeah?" I asked. "Where are you?"

"Eating Chinese with Millie and Gracie and Nic."

"Can I talk to Millie?" I asked.

Millie, or Amelia is the girl training me. She's eighteen, and has been a Slayer and Fangirologist for seven years.

"Yah." Said Elliot. "Hey, Mill, your protégé wants to talk to you."

"She should be watching Fowl." Said Millie.

I groaned and hung up, pulling my sleeping bag over my head.

Have you ever slept in a tree? Not a tree house or on a platform, on an actual branch.

I have. It hurts.

I woke up the next morning early and sore, stood up, wobbling on my branch and fell.

Out of the tree, that is.

I was lucky though. I missed the stone wall that borders Fowl Manor, narrowly dodged the rose bush and landed in the shrubbery.

Yes, being a Sue Slayer is the bane of my existence.

**Common Room, The Australian Sue Slayers Branch, Melbourne**

**09:54**

**February 1**

"I HATE THIS!" I yelled at Amelia two days later. "I don't want to be a bloody Fangirologist any more!"

Amelia reclined in her cushy leather chair. "You shouldn't be a bloody Fangirologist with a temper like that. It takes a lot of patience."

I rolled my eyes.

"Mils right, Han." Said Elliot. "Become a Sue Slayer or something and take that temper out on Minerva."

"Minerva ISN'T A SUE!" I yelled.

"Shut up!" yelled Grace from her office.

I shut my mouth (biting my tongue in the process) and sat down.

"Minerva is a Sue," hissed Elliot. "She's blonde, smart, pretty and angsty. She's so angsty, I think she's an emo. And the Sue Serum burns her."

I rolled my eyes.

I really, really didn't like Elliot and Amelia at that point in time. Or any other point. They were the best team in Australia and third in the world. They both were blonde, skinny and blue eyed.

I had the strangest feeling they hated me too. I was a brunette, the mortal enemy of blondes. And I always yelled at them.

"Can you give me three scientific reasons why Minerva is a Sue?" I asked.

"She's almost as smart as her canon. She has an angsty past."

I nodded.

"And she's smart and smexxi!"

I groaned and got up. "Have you even done the Litmus test?"

**(A/N: http:// ponylandpress. /ms-test. Html, take out the spaces)**

"Yes. Yes I have."

I left the room.

Minerva wasn't a Sue. True, she scored Borderline-Sue on the test, but she had flaws. She was headstrong, selfish, is a bit of a brat and doesn't have incredible emo-style angst. Well, she doesn't angst in the books she was in.

It was the writers of FanFiction and Fowl Confidential. They made her a Sue.

The only bad thing I could see about her was that she was stealing Artemis from the rest of us.

**I know, bad. Review if:**

**You want to be a Slayer. I'll need your first name, country of residence and a vague description.**

**You want to flame (for some sad reason, I love flames. It is just so funny when someone bags your writing, even though they've probably never written something in their lives.)**

**You have any ideas for this. (Damn writers block)**

**You have any ways of getting over writers block. (None of my techniques are working. I'm having trouble writing my diary, for crying out loud.)**

**Thanks.**

**Now.**

**REVIEW!!!**

**Love,**

**Nicola.**

_So. The differences aren't that big, as you can see. There are still excerpts, Amelia and Hannah are Fangirologists and Amelia's still training Hannah. Though here she's Millie and is more of a bitch. Elliot and Nic are pretty mean too. You'll see way more of Elliot in the upcoming Slayers 3 chapters. MINAS doesn't exist but there is still some conflict. And I put websites in the middle of my stories. W…T…F?_

_Oh, and Hannah has a crush on Artemis in an obvious way here. _

_I was going to put up some of the earlier drafts, too. It's really weird, looking back and going, "God in Heaven, did I WRITE THIS?" In the earlier drafts, Hannah also meets Matt Carney and they were going to end up together. Yeah, ok. I know. He was also her age, and now we all know he's nearly seventeen._

_Did you know Hannah was oTiginally going to be called Kyra or Rebecca? I know. Weird._

_So should I put up the other stuff? Get back to me on that._

_And for those who missed out, there are two sequels to this, one in Maximum Ride (COMPLETE!) and one in Twilight (NOT COMPLETE!) but for reasons completely outside Hannah's control *cough____cough__*****__ she's not the main character._

_Thanks for reading._

_-Nicola._


	24. A Trip Down Memory Lane part 2

_Hey everyone! Sorry I've dropped off the map, but I've been busy with JCS and Rocka. And for some reason, I'm doing Tournament of Minds again. I know._

_And I was putting this off. Why?_

_This is TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE. Like, REALLY AWFUL._

_So I sporked/MSTed my own work. Yes. I really hate this, but I thought you should see it, because it's terrible, shows what NOT to do when writing an OC-Centric fic and you can see little similarities and how things that were mentioned in this became plot points in the real thing. All the stuff in bold or italic during the story was written by me as I reread it. Yeah. There's more underneath._

_I am extremely immature in my comments, too. Sorry. It's just I hate hate hate it so. And here we go._

_Epitome of Randomness productions present:_

_A journey down memory lane,_

_A story of bad writing and plotless wonders._

_It's the Sue Slayers: Before They Were Vaguely Popular!_

_And now we journey into the past…_

**If you haven't read My Random Rant On Mary Sues, you will NOT understand this. It jumps straight into the story with pretty much no explanation of the Slayers. Also, this is like my old crossovers. No real plot, **_Self, you never, ever say you have no plot. _**just an idea of where this is going. **

**DISCLAIMER, and this goes for all the chapters, I don't own Artemis Fowl, Butler, Melbourne, Australia, Luna Park or anything like that. I do, however, own the Slayers and the use of the word Squee for a group of Fangirls. It's mine! All mine!**

**But you can use it too. **_Maybe you could mention the plotlessness three or four chapters in, when there's a bit of momentum, but right off the bat? If you're trying to get pity, it doesn't work._

**Sue Slayers**

…_care to elaborate on that?_

Artemis Fowl sat bolt upright in his bed. Something had woken him. A sound. But what?

It had been like a scream and a laugh, a cry and a squeal. What was it?

Oh, yes. Squee.

Artemis licked his dry lips. "Squee?" he muttered. **It's ARTEMIS! He probably would have called Butler by now.**

Yes. That was it.

Artemis shrugged and lay back down, ready to go back to the Land of Nod.

"Oh my god."

"Who's there?" cried Artemis. He sat up again.

At the foot of his bed there was a short, chubby girl in grey pants and a pink t-shirt. **You can see the Fangirls have colours, but they're different. I picked blue in the end because of Artemis's eyes, and pink because…they're Fangirls.**

"IT'S ARTEMIS FOWL!" she screamed.

"SQUEE!"

From various hiding places around the room, twenty girls popped up, grinning.

"W-what are you?"

"WE LOVE YOU ARTY!!!" they all screamed, and swarmed over him.

**I like the start. But the 'oh my god' annoys me. OMC!!! Would have been better. Jeez.**

It was a beautiful, sunny Sunday in Melbourne. I would've given anything to be outside, maybe in the Botanical Gardens, or at Luna Park. **ILY LUNA PARK. **

But no. I was stuck underground, saving the world from the horrors of bad writing.

I shut down my laptop and gathered up my books and notepad.

"Hannah? What are you doing?"

I ignored Elliot, instead imagining myself up Rialto Tower. I loved it up there. **Pre-Eureka tower. This was a long time ago.**

"Hannie?"

I sighed. "What is it, Elliot?"

Since Elliot had been shot by Butler (long story) she'd been kind of clingy. To me, to Grace, to everyone. **Elliot's already been shot. Huh.**

"I'm going up Rialto." I said. "Want to come?"

"No thanks." She said. "It's just that Grace wants to see you."

Grace, leader of the Australian Sue Slayers. **Ah, familiarity.**

I nodded.

My name, as you may have realised, is Hannah. Hannah Lynch. I'm thirteen years old, an Aussie from the convict days and I like cheese. **Oh LOL you're SOOOO funny. **

I'm also a Sue Slayer apprentice. **WTF WTH WTFingH?** That means I'm training to be a Sue Slayer, an Arty-Slayer, in fact, but I still have to do a heap of research. Mostly on FanFiction, but I do pop into Artemis Fowl Confidential occasionally.

**HANNAH IS A SLAYER! Woah, I forgot about that. The Slayers originally were going to just focus on one or two sections, like a violent Canonist, but I realized how many Slayers just one form of media would need and abandoned that idea. **

Grace was white. **Racist much?**

I'm not kidding. Whiter than snow. Whiter than Artemis. Whiter than _Edward. _**Less sparkly, too.**

"Did I do something wrong?" I asked her. "Because it wasn't me who published that fanfiction rant. I think it was-"

"It's not that." Said Grace. "I found out who published it and I put her on Duncan duty."

Duncan duty, or looking after Duncan Quagmire is the worst thing anyone can do. There are either no Sues at all or millions of them. **Ok, WTF?**

"Who published it?" I asked.

"If any of you thought to read the authors notes, you would know. To business." **Originally, Elliot was going to have written the rant, and so was going to be kicked off. Rather like a certain Fangirologist.**

Grace pulled a picture out of her desk draw. **Drawer. Honestly. I think…**

"Do you know what Squee this is?" she asked.

I peered at it. They were wearing grey and pink, so…

"The We Luv Arty club." I asked. "Biggest Squee in that category." **Why did I give the Squees a name? Ugh. Now they're just…Artemis Fangirls. Or an Artemis Squee.**

"And what are Fangirl #1 and #2 holding?"

Fangirl #1, the leader, was at the front with #2 on her left. They were holding a long black bag, big enough for me to fit in. **That's a clunky description. 'holding what seemed to be a…body bag?' would have been better, right?**

"A black bag?" **Yes, a black bag. My God.** I asked. "Grace? Why are you asking me this?"

"Artemis Fowl went missing this morning. Harry Potter vanished soon after."

I felt like the bottom had dropped out of my stomach. Half of the Top Four. **Don't ask.**

"What about Draco and Edward?" I asked.

"I have Amelia shadowing Draco and the Americans put Matt Carney onto Edward." **Matt Carney on Edward. Slashy.**

"Aren't you going to tell everyone?" I asked.

"I'm about to." Sighed Grace. "I just wanted to talk to the Squee leaders first. Can you get Kyra, Jasmine and Lucy?"

"What about Nicola?" I asked. "I haven't seen her-"

"Again, read the authors notes. You can stand in for Nic."

Ok. I'll slow down and explain. **God, did I really do that? I'm so sorry.**

The Top Four. They are the top four canon characters who attract the most Mary Sues. In order of Sue count, they are Harry Potter, Artemis Fowl, Draco Malfoy and Edward Cullen.

Even when one goes missing it's bad. It leaves room for bad Out Of Characters to take place. Two was even worse. **Top Four = One of my most hated things about this. Every Canon is equally important. Except for Nudge.**

The Squee Leaders are the four trackers of the Top Four's Fangirls. Kyra looks out for Harry's Fangirls, Eve's on Draco, Beth is after Edwards and Nic is, of course, in charge of Artemis Fangirls. I'm her second in command.

**Ooh! No Amelia. Wait - **

Amelia Richie was worried. She'd lost Draco twice and was probably going to lose him again. **Amelia is Japanese in the real, non-crap versions. Why did I name her after Lionel Richie? I have no idea either. I was probably watching the Simple Life – my sister liked it, OK? Ok. **She just couldn't understand why she had been given Hufflepuff robes. It was just ridiculous. They had one class together.

Amelia ran after Draco down the corridor. What class did he have next?

"Oh my God." **Self, OMC would have worked better. **

Amelia froze.

She knew that voice.

Draco froze too.

"Who are you?" he asked coldly, walking up to her.

"Me?" Amelia asked, remembering just in time to fake a British accent. "I'm no one. I mean. I'm on my way to class." **Righto, old chap? Hup hup!**

She gulped.

"IT'S DRACO MALFOY!"

"SQUEE!"

Fangirls, dressed in silver dresses and green leggings, swarmed out from their hiding places. **Draco Fangirls still wear that.** They pounced on Draco and Amelia, stuffing them both into bags before running, leaving no trace of their presence.

**Amelia, from memory, was going to be rather unimportant in the overall scheme of things. And now she's Commander of the Slayers. Funny ol' world, innit?**

The Leaders sat in silence. I considered coughing, but was interrupted by a red light flashing on the ceiling. **That's rather Clare-ish of her, no?**

Grace's phone rang immediately.

"Commander Rodgers. Yes. Oh, no. Crap…And Millie?"

She hung up. **Amelia hates being called Millie.**

"We've lost Draco. And Amelia was taken by the Fangirls."

Jasmine dissolved into tears. **Dissolved into tears? How does that work? Ooh, she's the Wicked Witch of the West!**

I stood up. **Good for you.**

"This is ridiculous." I said. "These are Fangirls. They barely have enough brainpower to Squee at the right time. And now they're kidnapping canons and are probably in cahoots."

Grace nodded. "Hannah, you stay in here. Ring Kasey Allard, and your researcher friends. Find out where the canons are being taken. Squee Leaders, get all your files on the Fangirls. I'll tell everyone what's going on." **Good old Kasey. She's been around right from the start. Shame she's never really contributed to the story.**

"What on earth do you mean?" Kasey asked. "No one tells me anything!"

Kasey Allard. She's the best Sue researcher in the world, and is an expert on the top four, especially Edward. She's also my best friend, even though I've only met her seven times. **"HANNAH! It's CLARE! Hi, remember me? Bitch."**

**And also, Kasey, here, is a Sue researcher, whatever that is. Why the hell doesn't she know about the Top Four being Canonnapped? Canonnapped. That must become a word. It's awesome.**

"No one knows what's going on." I told her. "Just that Draco, Arty, Harry and Amelia-you remember Millie, right? Have gone missing." **IT'S AMELIA, DAMMIT!**

"Ok," said Kasey. "Have you tried tracing Amelia?"

"Yep. The Fangirls took away her tracer. As well as Draco and Harrys wands, Artemis' mobile and his laptop." **Tracers, like GPS locaters. That was actually a good idea, but the budget didn't cover them in the final draft.**

"Edward will be fine." Kasey said. "He'll just rip the Fangirls apart."

_**Edward**_: _I don't want to hurt you._

_**Fangirl**__: HAVE SMEX WITH US!_

_**Edward**__: I don't want-_

_**Fangirl**__: And then I'll put it on as a lemon! Everyone will love-_

_**Edward**__: OM NOM NOM!_

"More like the fangirls will rip-Wait." I told her. "I have to call you back. Grace is back."

"Ok. I'll check my stuff on the Fangirls and ring Lilly in America. See you."

"See you."

Grace slumped in her chair.

"They got Edward. They have the Top Four." **BUMP BUMP BUMMMM!**

Code Black. **I like codes. I think we had two in AOTC. And was there one in ANF?**

In hospitals, that's when there is a bomb threat. In Springfield, that's when the Lake is about to become a toxic nightmare. Code Black for the Slayers is when Fangirls are trying to cause serious damage to the canon characters.

Code Blacks happened very rarely. Like, never before. **Black? That's the worst colour there is! No offence, Carl.**

"Wake up, boys!" said a chirpy voice.

"Omigod. Edward's waking up!" said another.

Artemis opened his eyes, remembering Butlers advice. Assess the situation. Assess the situation. **Assess it, damn you! We have to get some description!**

He was tied to a fluffy, glittery pink chair with a fluffy, glittery pink rope. On his right there was a pale boy with black, messy hair and glasses. On his left there was an even paler boy with silvery blonde hair. And on that boys left there was another pale boy with almost black eyes. **Were the eyes fluffy and glittery too?**

The carpet was fluffy and pink and glittery and looked very slippery. The walls were pale pink. And glittery.

There were four girls standing in front of the boys. Artemis recognized one. She had been in his room.

"Ok. Ok. THIS IS SO COOL!" squealed the tallest girl, jumping up and down. She was wearing a gold t-shirt and white leggings. "I love you, Edward!" **Fangirl colours. Nice.**

Edward. The boy at the end of the line. **Artemis, is like, so intelligent. You can really tell his character from the others .**

"Edward Cullen?" said the boy on Artemis's left.

"Harry Potter?" said the boy on Artemis's right.

"Draco Malfoy?" asked Harry. **He would have just said, 'Malfoy,' but I don't care anymore.**

"Ok. " said the girl from Artemis's room. "First, like, welcome to the Lair of the Fangirls." **The Language of the Fangirls hasn't been invented. It's one of my favourite bits of the Slayers, actually.**

If you had listened closely enough you would've heard the soft clunks as the boys jaws hit the floor. **Along with the British characters stiff upper lips.**

"My name is, like, Mariah. I'm Fangirl #1 of the Artemis Fangirls."

The girl in front of Harry smiled, straightening her scarlet and purple dress. "Omigod. I'm Ashlee. I lead the Harry Potter Fangirls." **Why would Harry Potter Fangirls wear purple? They're EVER SO FASHIONABLE.**

"And yeah. I'm Britney." Said the girl in gold. "I lead the Edward Fangirls."

"So that leaves me." Said the girl in front of Draco. "I'm Jessica. I lead your Fangirls, Draco." **A real Fangirl would be too busy seizing on the floor to introduce herself to a Canon. Then she'd get up and sexually assault his ass. No, she'd be seizing on the floor and dribbling.**

"Could someone please tell us, what are Fangirls?" asked Edward.

"SQUEE!!!" cried Mary Anne in shock. "Fangirls. Your greatest fans. We love you!"

"I'm sorry." Said Harry. "I really _really_ like Ginny."

"Yeah, and Bella-" **Is a Sue…or isn't she? B.I.N.A.S or B.I.A.S – what do you pick? **

"IS A BITCH!" screamed Britney, drool running down her chin. **Why does drool always appear in the Slayers? Max Ride slipped in it in AOTC, too.**

I sat at my desk. The entire office was silent, save for the clacking of keys and the Kisschasy drifting from Elliot's computer. **Kisschasy gets a mention during the Fowl Manor infiltration. **

I was skimming through a fanfic. Shame too, because it was a very well written one. Everyone was in character, no Sues, no OCs, in fact. I was enjoying it.

The only bad thing was that it was a Baby Sitters Club fanfic.

Stop laughing. **I use that joke too much. Please stop.**

Grace had told us that we had to keep an eye on the Canons. All of the canons. **There are like…ten thousand Canons, in the book-Verse alone. Mission Impossible, anyone?**

Obviously, I hadn't picked the BSC. If I had to, I would've chosen Midnighters or Janet Evanovitch. **Well aren't YOU just LITTLE MISS OBSCURE SERIES.**

I continued to skim, Stacey had just gotten pregnant, Kristy was lesbian, Mary Anne was-OOC? She had just faded. **By faded, she means disappeared from the story, like Iggy and Nudge and Gazzy in Maximum Ride, where they're in the scene but just stand there, twiddling their thumbs, and don't say anything, even if it's in their character to inerrupt, or put their two cents in. By the way, hi James Patterson, how ARE you?**

"Grace!" I yelled. "Got one!" ***twiddles thumbs***

You might've forgotten it, but I was an Arty-Slayer. **I hate you so much, me.** In training. When you get out of training, you can choose to do another canon. I was thinking about doing Cherub. **CHERUB. Not Cherub.**

But we were short on Slayers-Millie was gone, Elliot was laid up and Nic was probably being swamped by bad OOC's, so all of the apprentices were going in.

I suited up. **Like in Batman and Robin! Wait…ew.**

Yes, the Slayers have a uniform. Black leggings, blue t-shirt and green jacket, with a small bag and a holster for Serum syringes.

I didn't get a holster. **Boo-hoo. The uniform has changed, too. Thank God for that.**

The trouble with the Baby Sitters Club is that is a hard category to manage. **Because they suck. Seriously. **With all the ghostwriters running around, the canons personalities are often extreme, like Kristy is a total dictator, Mary Anne cries at the actual drop of a hat and Stacey's diabetes are so bad that she faints every four and a half hours. **Also, no one CARES about the BSC. And Stacey faints every **_**five**_** and a half hours.**

So there is exactly one BSC expert in the entire Sue Organisation. Elizabeth King, an American slayer. Unfortunately, she had retired almost ten years ago. ***ba-dum ching.***

So I was by myself as I was beamed into the BSC universe, with nothing but an iPod, speakers, and a semi automatic rifle. **Gotta love those semi-autos. But you'd think that the older Slayers, the nearly-twenty year olds would be able to do the BSC. Wait, that's logic. This is the Slayers.**

It was pandemonium. Swarms of Fangirls were running rampant through Stoneybrook, holding the members of the club. Strangely enough, none of them were touching Mallory. **RANGA!**

I had been advised to simply follow the Fangirls, as they are incredibly dangerous in large groups. So I did, simply following the destruction. **Describe it please? Oh, fine.**

I could just hear the Squeeing, so I slowed down and took a quick look around. Houses had been torched, cars overturned. Someone had even turned on all the fire hydrants, soaking everything except the houses. **Conjugating Squee is really hard. I Squeed just sounds dirty, as does you Squeed. Squeeing does not look right, either, does it?**

Draco sat on the bed nervously. The bedroom, like the other room he had seen was fluffy, pink and had glitter everywhere. The only difference was the posters of him and countless Harry Potter books. **As you can see, Draco is more than a little OOC. How would he know what they…you know what? I give up.**

"W-what are you going to do to me?" he asked.

Jessica grinned and flicked her long hair back. She sat next to him.

Draco shuddered. **And...? Oh, come on.**

When the cries of the Fangirls faded I got up again, following them. **A little extra description would be nice.**

I couldn't help but wonder what the Top Four were going through. Fangirls were dangerous out on the field, and practically rabid when you caught them, biting (Never, ever, EVER poke a Quigley Fangirl with a stick. Just don't), kicking and screaming.

However, no one had ever seen a Fangirl with their canon. **No difference between rabids and normal Fangirls. Huh.**

Fangirls, though, incredible fighting skills aside, are just pumped up teenage girls. They can't travel very far.

Which meant I slept in a ditch that night with hundreds of rabid Fangirls twenty meters away. **That is so…stupid. I just…it's so, and then this happened, and then this! But then this happened. I hate past me. I'm sorry about this.**

Edward stood, shaking. He had been blindfolded, bound with iron chains and gagged, then taken to the forest. Britney undid the blindfold.

"Wooo-ooo-wuuuwnt wu we?" he asked. **Hey, I got his character perfectly! *cough***

"Oh? What do I want with you?' Britney asked, stroking his face gently.

Edward saw, with some revulsion, drool coming out of her mouth. **Enough with the drool.**

He shuddered.

Three days.

I followed those god damned Fangirls and the bloody BSC for three, hot, uneventful days. And I slept outside for three freezing, wet nights. **Yeah, but couldn't we have had ONE fight scene? No, because I couldn't write one to save my life.**

But I made it. And now I was on my way to the Fangirls Lair, hopefully where Edward, Draco, Harry and Artemis were. Alive. **Fangirls don't have Lairs, they have fansites.**

You see, if the actual canon characters are killed or permanently taken prisoner, the authors are immediately hit with a debilitating case of writers block and will never write about that character again. Never. **Makes sense.**

The Fangirls Lair, like with all good lairs, was on top of a craggy mountain with bats flying around it. Granted, they were pink, glittery fluffy bats, but they were bats. The lair was also pink and glittery but there was no fluff. **I don't know what to say. I'm sorry to have nearly inflicted this on the world.**

I crept up behind the Squee and watched as they stampeded in.

"Hannah Lynch?"

I jumped and turned around.

"Matthew Carney?"

Matthew Carney, one of the best Slayers in the whole world and the best in America was sitting behind me. **SQUEE! **

"Call me Matt. Anyway. You look awful." He said. **Well, aren't you nice.**

"Excuse me! I have had," I checked my watch, "exactly four hours of sleep. How did you get here?"

"After I lost Edward-someone hit me with a tranquilliser dart, by the way-Hayley sent me to track a Squee that took Klaus Bauldelaire." **Why would anyone want Klaus Bauldelaire? Rule 34*, I guess.**

"Why did they take him?"

"How long have you been here?" Matthew asked. "Squees have taken everyone. The Simpsons, Naruto, Grace and Connor Tempest, they even got Jack Sparrow!"

"Captain." I corrected him. "Captain Jack Sparrow. So, everyone?"

My voice squeaked.

"Everyone, from Aang to Zorro."

I swore. "And I've been chasing the damned Baby Sitters Club."

"Hey, they're important." **You lie.**

I laughed, then looked back at the Fangirls. They were beginning to enter the lair.

"Are you coming in?" I asked.

"Yeah. Are you?" **I like the new Matt better…he actually has character.**

I jumped over the rock and sprinted inside, Matt at my heels.

"Every character is here, mistress." The High Head Leader Fangirl bowed respectfully in front of the shadowy figure. **Ok. I like High Head Leader Fangirl. It's like they were all sitting around saying 'you can be the Leader…and you can be the Boss, and you can be the Head of Fangirls…and you can be uh…High Head Leader.'**

"Good. Good."

"And we have reason believe that the Sue Slayers are lurking."

The Shadowy figure smiled. "Do not worry about that. Now, bring me…Minerva."

"Yes Mistress." **OoooOOOoooooh!**

The entrance hall was pink and fluffy. I had a funny feeling that pink fluffiness was going to be a theme in this place. **HAHAHAHAHAAAHA HAAAAA LOL LOL not funny.**

The one unpink, unfluffy thing in the hall was a picture-in a pink fluffy frame. It was of a girl not much older than me with blonde hair all the way down her back in beautiful ringlets. She had manga style dark purple eyes, perfect white teeth and what looked like the latest, most overpriced clothes you could buy.

"Is she that Minerva I've heard so much about?" Matt asked, tapping the frame. **OMFG HOW COULD MATT NOT EVEN HAVE A VAGUE IDEA OF THE ARTEMIS FOWL CHARACTERS??? **

"Don't disturb the fluff." I whispered. "And no, it isn't Minerva Paradiso. Minerva has blue eyes." **Don't disturb the fluff. Heh heh heh. This is horrible.**

"You sure?"

"Elliot was shot trying to take Minerva down. Of course I'm sure." **Ooh, that stayed in! Except no water balloons. **

I walked away and looked down the hallway. Empty. **Woow.**

"Do you know where the canons are? Especially Art-the Top Four?"

"Are you a borderline Fangirl?" Matt asked, looking at me suspiciously.

"I might be." I said. "Yes." **Pretty much every single Slayer and Fanfic writer is a Borderline Fangirl, right? The only difference is we don't viciously attack Canons.**

He nodded.

"Right." I muttered. "Time to go."

We should've stopped and asked for directions. I could've passed for a Fangirl, I was wearing the colours of the Alex Rider Fangirls. But no. **You know why? Because that would have BEEN INTERESTING.** Matt said it was too risky. **Too right. In other news, this SUCKS. In fact, bugger this for a lark. *walks off, shaking head.***

After wandering around the pink fluffy glittery corridors for several hours, I stumbled on our first clue. More specifically our first canons.

The main love interests of the Top Four were locked in a PFG (pink fluffy glittery) cell:

Bella, who was pacing and tripping over, Ginny who was staring at her fingernails. Pansy Parkinson was sobbing her eyes out. ***runs back in*** **Why did I put Pansy Parkinson in? Because I'm an idiot!**

"Damn this keyhole." I muttered. "I can't see Minerva OR Holly."

"Holly's the fairy, right?"

"You're supposed to be a GOOD Slayer." I hissed at Matt.

"I'm an Anime expert. Have you got ANY freakin idea how many animes and mangas there are?" **Matt….is an anime expert, and he says 'freakin.' I am so sorry, everyone.**

I shrugged. "No and anyway, Holly is an elf." **My DAD knows that and he hasn't read a book since like, 1788 because he was busy establishing a colony.**

Then I waved at him. "Go keep watch." **Why is she bossing him about? He's the boss, and older, and MALE.**

Matt sighed but went to the end of the corridor.

"Hey!" I whispered into the keyhole. "Bella! Ginny!" **Why Bella or Ginny? Why just them?? **

Bella tripped over her own feet and crawled over to the key-hole. **A little like TSSB, yes? But now I've turned up to eleven.**

"Who's there?" she asked.

"My name's Hannah." I said. "I'm a Sue Slayer."

"A what?"

"Never mind. Do you know where Edward is?"

"No! Do you think the werewolves-"

"No. Just, um. Get Ginny. The red head."

She did, then sat in the corner. **Stumbling, tripping, flipping and staggering the whole way.**

"Hi Ginny." I whispered.

"Yeah, um, hi."

*** According to TV Tropes. Rule 34 is, if it exists, there is porn for it. Rule 36 is, if it exists, there's a fetish for it. Ahem.**

_And then it cuts off, because obviously I had NO FREAKING IDEA where it was going. You follow? Anyway. After I wrote this I thought, 'gee golly gosh this isn't very good!' And I went off and finished the Random Rant on Mary Sues and got the idea for the new Slayers, and well…yeah. The rest most of you know. And I went through A New Fangirologist, and yes, Hannah does think Matt is kind of cute. Nothing more than that, otherwise Clare would have another reason to be royally pissed at her. _

_But if you made it this far, I love you. I had to do it in a few nights because it felt cringe-worthy. Everyone has a few bits of writing that they hate but keep around – I have a couple of early fics that have a total Sue in them. She was like this musical prodigy, and our favourite Teen Genius falls in lurve with her and…ugh._

_I'm not going back to that place. Now, I think I'll go and look at some AOTC outtakes. There are more of them, and even some deleted scenes. Schweet. _

_Oh, and maybe write a new chapter. It's going to be late. I guess some things never change._

_-Nicola. _


End file.
